Myri and Me
by Fettkat
Summary: A Tale of Love, Loss and What Follows After. Post-LOTF to post-FOTJ. A coming-of-age Ben fic. Romance, drama, adventure and family fluff, even the supernatural! Featuring Ben Skywalker and pretty much everyone else, even a couple of OCs. Rated a strict M for the sex, drugs and rock n' roll, and language.
1. Author's Note

_** MYRI AND ME: A TALE OF LOVE, LOSS AND WHAT FOLLOWS AFTER**_

- By** FETTKAT**

Author's Note:-

[Here's the complete note the summary character limit didn't allow me to write!]

Post-LOTF to post-FOTJ. A coming-of-age Ben fic. Romance, drama, humour and fluff, even the supernatural! Featuring Ben Skywalker and pretty much everyone else, even a couple of OC's! Not entirely faithful to canon. Characters shall suffer at my hands. Tissue warnings shall be issued. But all shall come out in the Wash!  
Rated a strict M for the sex, drugs and rock n' roll, borderline alcoholism, adult themes and language. DEFINITELY MEANT FOR MATURE READERS!

Ladies and gentlemen, FETTKAT PRODUCTIONS is proud to present before you a serial novel of epic proportions! A tale with romance and adventure, drama and family, humour and philosophy and odds and ends thrown in between!

All who read must review! This is written from the heart and I want to know what everyone thinks! Good, bad, boring or bleah, I'd like to hear from you all!

No, honestly guys, this is my largest work to date. What had originally started out as a maybe three-chapter fic at best, took on a life of its own, grabbed me by the scruff of my neck and insisted on being written down in its entirety. I have spent the last six months spending almost every waking hour thinking of the next plotline, next set of dialogue and maintaining iron discipline because I had promised myself that I WOULD NOT POST until it was absolutely complete! And I am thrilled to say that it is done at last!

This is a POV fic, written from different characters' points of view. The protagonist is Ben Skywalker and all other POV's will ( provided FF.n's blasted formatting permits!) appear in italics (or with demarcations). The entire fic spans a length of several years, so be alert for continuity changes.

I shall be posting it as per my usual schedule i.e. one chapter per week. A couple of chapters may be posted in multiple parts and these will appear as a part per week.

Well, without further ado (well, atleast not much!) let me welcome you aboard a saga-within-a-saga. I most certainly hope that it will be a journey worth remembering!

P.S.- STAR WARS IS MINE! ALL MINE! MWAHAHAHAHA! I'M GONNA MAKE A FORTUNE!

P.P.S.- Relax, George! Just messin' witcha! Let's raise a toast to the Great Flannelled One, who blew our minds along with his first Death Star!


	2. Chapter 1

I take my fun seriously. Sometimes a bit too seriously, according to my dad, but hey, you gotta take your breaks when you get 'em. It isn't like we're getting an awful lot.  
I remember when I was younger, my mom once told me it was about time we started making time for little things we otherwise considered to be a waste of time. Like family. A hug. Or just being a kid. Our family had lost out on a lot because we hadn't remembered this. A lot of the little things Mom used to say comes back to me at odd moments. I guess it's just me trying to desperately cling to what little I have left of her memory. That I might forget is a secret terror I harbour deep within me. Already her face has started to go fuzzy in my memories of her.

I remember after Mom died and Caedus fell, I tried to be strong for Dad. I tried so hard to grow up in an instant, to match up to the responsibilities I felt now lay on my shoulders. And I knew the cost. I felt like I was going mad inside my head. My heart would feel like cold stone. I preferred it that way. It didn't hurt so much. I swallowed my grief, my emotions, kept them under lock and key until finally they began to manifest themselves in different ways. My concentration suffered. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't focus on anything for long. My mind would inevitably start to wander. I couldn't sleep. The recurring nightmare of the Hapes cluster, and then Kavan would come unbidden and I would wake up with a scream, feeling the emptiness in the Force as if for the first time. Jacen's betrayal, the Embrace of Pain, our confrontation on the_ Anakin Solo _would repeat themselves during my sleeping hours, and I would get no rest. I would wake to find my sheets soaked with sweat. It didn't help that Dad noticed next to nothing at the time. He remained in his private coccoon of grief and pain, refusing to let anyone, even me or Aunt Leia in to comfort him. Meditation didn't help. The Force didn't help at all. So I took the opposite direction.

Brooding in the hangars, I'd want to be anywhere but at home, which had slowly come to feel as eery, quiet and morbid as a tomb. Everyone took turns to come and try to talk to me about "It", to try and help, to get me back to Dad. But my new-found cynicism and bluntness would eventually drive them off. Not that that made anything better. On my own I would constantly feel restless, but have nothing to do. My depression got worse. Eventually I found myself in lower-level Coruscant tapcafs, degenerating into your average sleaze-ball. Dad still hadn't noticed. Not that I wanted or expected him to. Finally, Masters Kyp Durron and Corran Horn discovered me late one night, passed out in a pool of liquour mixed with various bodily fluids, including blood, on the floor of some riotous nightclub. They took me over to my aunt and uncle's and Uncle Han did what my Dad could never have. He got me round and then punched me in the face. In hindsight, I have to admit, Mom would probably have done the same. But then again, if she had been there, it probably wouldn't have happened in the first place.

* * *

Aunt Leia and Uncle Han fought over me. I overheard their argument.

"That was completely uncalled for! You broke his nose, Han!"  
"Somebody was going to eventually, rate he was going."  
"He's devastated, poor child. Luke isn't even looking after him, he's sunk so deep."  
"The lad doesn't need 'looking after', Leia. He was GAG, don't you remember?"  
"He just lost his mother, Han! How can you be so insensitive?!"  
"He's not the only one who lost her, you know."  
"That kind of thing is enough to send anyone over the edge."  
"Not Ben. I know him. And I expected him to rise to the occasion, to know where he's needed, not drink himself into a coma in some sleazy tapcaf."  
"You're disappointed in him, is that what you want to say?"  
"Yes."  
"Well, you still didn't need to bloody him for that."

I ran away, back to the hangar bays. Uncle Han's words had wounded me deeply. I thought about going off-planet and dashed up the ramp of my mother's _Horizon_-class star yacht, _Jade Shadow_. I was already settled in the cockpit, running the pre-flight, when I felt the rough jerk on my collar as my uncle almost yanked me out of the seat. My anger had been so strong it had clouded my feeling of the Force! I hadn't even been able to sense his approach! His eyes were livid as he spun me around to face him.  
"I've dealt with my own lot of Force-sensitive kids, so don't think I don't have the goods on you. You don't have a trick I ain't seen yet."  
I glared at him.  
"Come on. We're going back."  
"No! You can't make me!"  
"Oh? I wasn't asking your permission, kid."  
"Let me go!"  
He didn't bother to respond. Neither did he ease the stranglehold on my shirt.  
I struggled furiously.  
"You're not my father," I hissed vengefully. "I don't have to listen to you!"  
He let go of me so suddenly I almost stumbled.  
He brought his face to within an inch of mine and grabbed my arm in a solid iron grip. I could see the suppressed blaze in his eyes. When he spoke, his voice was dangerously soft.  
"But you're more than a son to me. I should know. I've lost both of mine."  
I looked away, feeling guilty and ashamed.  
"I'm taking you back home. Where you do happen to have a father. He may not show it, but he needs you. And you're going to go and be the son you're supposed to be. You go ahead and hurt me all you want, but if you cause him one ounce more of pain, I promise you I'm going to find another part of your body to break."  
I tried my best to look at him murderously and stalk off. Don't know if I managed to pull it off because suddenly all I wanted to do was to hug him.

* * *

I entered our dark apartment as quietly as possible. The air smelt stale.

"Dad?" I called cautiously.  
No reply.  
I stretched out with the Force. He must have felt my touch.  
"Ben?"  
I had to strain to hear my father's voice.  
"I'm in here."  
His voice sounded dry and husky through disuse.  
I walked through the house, turning on the lights as I went, trying to banish the gloom from within.  
He was in the bedroom, sitting on the edge of their bed. He winced and tried to shade his eyes as I abruptly switched on the primary light. I got my first good look at him in days and my heart flooded with concern. My dad looked…_ aged_! I mean, he'd never exactly been a spry youth in my lifetime, but… there had always been a sense of vitality, of calm reassurance around him. He was the Grand Master of the Jedi, for kriff's sake! He'd never lost control! But there he was, haggard and unkempt, cowering in front of me, afraid of seeing the light. Uncle Han's words hit me with fresh force and I was engulfed with a tremenduous sense of guilt and shame. This was my _father_! _My_ father! How could I have done this to him? I hated to think of what Mom might have done to me had she known I'd let him go to pieces like this. This time, though, I knew what I had to do. Swallowing all the crippling regret tearing my heart apart, I went up to him.  
"Dad," I said, "When was the last time you ate? You know, food?"

That night, once I'd pulled him out of his self-enforced stasis, literally wrestled him into the refresher for a much needed bath and change of clothes and managed to deliver up a pretty edible subsistence meal, I commanded him to go to bed and sleep some. I could sense some of the torture he must have been putting himself through. He was so helpless without Mom, it hurt to look at him. For once, our roles had been reversed. Uncle Han had been right all along. He really did need me to be strong for him. There was no way he would be able to get through all this alone. And it was high time I acted like a supportive son.  
For the first time since I'd been maybe four or five, I crawled into my parents' bed. That way, when he turned over in the middle of the night, Mom's side of the bed wouldn't feel so empty.


	3. Chapter 2

I've picked up a lot of philosophy from Wes Janson. Like you can hide behind laughter.

The members of Rogue and Wraith Squadrons had always been my dad's friends. Way too old for me to hang out with. They were all nominated "uncles". But at this point in my life, I felt so lonely, I was never going to be too picky about where I found my friends.

I still ran to the hangar bays to be alone with my thoughts. I'd picked myself up a lot. Uncle Han hadn't needed to break any other appendage of mine yet! Dad was still a mess, but a partially better mess than when I'd left him. I'd learnt to be responsible around the house the hard way.

It was around this time that I had a chance to re-connect with some of the old fogeys of the Rogues and Wraiths. One day, as I sat alone on the ramp of the _Jade Shadow_, in my downtime, I heard laughter and amiable conversation after what seemed like years. I had almost forgotten what human laughter sounded like. Majors Janson and Klivian, along with Commander Loran and Captain Tainer had entered the hangar bays, talking, joking,_ laughing_! I climbed down softly, unheard and unnoticed and watched them, almost shyly, half hidden by the ship's struts. Kell Tainer, still tall and athletic, left them after a while, but the other three continued their banter.

When I was small, before I was sent off to train exclusively under Jacen, I remember my dad would sometimes take me along to the X-wing bays. There he would mingle with his old comrades from both the legendary squadrons, and I would get to listen in to the pilots' conversations. My dad would take me up into the cockpit of his X-wing and show me the controls, and sometimes, he'd even let me operate them! I never did learn to fly his X-wing though. The pilots would even let me help them in their repairs and Wes had once formally introduced me to Lieutenant Kettch. But that was when I'd been a kid. Since then, I'd only bumped into the pilots rarely, on missions, and sometimes during social events. Oh yeah, and Mom's funeral.

It took them a while to notice me, standing and watching them. Face Loran shifted and suddenly caught sight of me.  
" Well look what we have here!" he exclaimed, interrupting his buddies' conversation. They all turned to look at me. I suddenly felt shy, being caught eavesdropping like that.  
"If it isn't little Ben Skywalker! Whatcha doing back there, son?"  
"I'm not_ little_, Uncle Face," I protested a little petulantly.  
"Course you are! You're a mite! But what're you doing here? Thinking of taking the old _Shadow_ for spin?"  
"His Mum'd have a fit!" This from Hobbie Klivian. "She was very particular about letting anyone touch her ship."  
I looked down, feeling a slight pang at the words. I realized I didn't know if Mom would have finally allowed me to fly her ship.  
"Nothing," I finally said in a small voice, "I just wanted to get out of the house and I heard you guys talking just now, and…and laughing, and… well, it's just that I haven't heard laughter or-or a normal conversation in so long…"  
They were looking at me strangely.  
_Great,_ I thought, _I've gone and blown it again. Now all they'll have for me is pity. And I'm so sick of that…_  
After a pause, Hobbie asked me gently,  
"How's your dad doing, kid?"  
"Not good." I answered him honestly. I looked them straight in the eyes and said it as a matter of fact.  
"I wish I could say he was good, but he's not."  
The three pilots shifted uncomfortably.  
"We really should pay Luke a visit, huh?" Face mumbled.  
The other two also muttered muffled agreement.  
I smiled at them.  
"He might like that."  
Wes Janson broke in for the first time. He stepped over to me, wrapped his arm about my shoulder and steered me toward them.  
"Don't worry about it, kiddo. We'll cheer your daddy up for ya! He'll be up and running in no time!"  
I mock-scowled at him.  
"Geez, Uncle Wes, he's my_ dad_, not a droid!"  
The three laughed.

* * *

I was allowed to join the Rogue and Wraith pilots after that whenever they hung out at the hangars. Let me clarify, I didn't ordinarily 'hang out' with folks my dad's age. But at this point in time, I didn't have too many options and wasn't about to be picky about who became my friends. Besides, these guys I already knew I could trust. And after a long time, I found a place I could relax, forget and laugh. I didn't often have much to contribute. The GAG, it seemed, had been far more boring than Rogue or Wraith Squadrons. But I would sit and listen. Listen to their stories of the glory days. Sometimes they would recount the older stories solely for my benefit. And through them, I began to see a new side to my dad, one that I had never really seen before. Somehow, his stories for me had always had a Jedi bias. He'd somehow glossed over his years as a pilot, as squadron leader. Mom had also never encouraged him to reveal his tales as a pilot, I guess out of her irrational over-protectiveness towards me. She'd never been enthusiastic about me ever flying a speeder, let alone a ship on my own. So while I'd heard many times about Dad's brushes with the Dark Side, his training days on Dagobah with Yoda etc., the only flying stories I knew in any great detail were his destruction of the first Death Star and his times threading the Needle of Beggars Canyon on Tatooine. He'd always told me what a great pilot my grandfather had been, but his own prowess as a pilot had never emerged into the spotlight. I'd grown up regarding uncle Han and my cousin Jaina to be the great pilots in the family while Dad had kept his own remarkable achievements hidden. Wes Janson ensured no gory detail was left buried, and I'm sure I showed my appreciation.

I had never known my father as a young man, I had been the child of his middle age. For me, Dad had always been Luke Skywalker, the sedate Jedi Master. I'd never seen him go crazy or lose control. Even in our most personal family moments, he'd never entirely shed that image. I had never been able to consider him as just an average dad, devoid of the baggage his name brought him. Mom, on the other hand, I had seen in a way probably no one in the galaxy ever had. There had been times I had been able to forget that she was also Jedi Master Mara Jade Skywalker, former assassin and Emperor's Hand, and see her as Mom. Just my Mom. The Rogues' tales let me observe my father at a time when he hadn't had the weight of the galaxy's destiny resting on his shoulders, before the Jedi had become his sole concern, when he'd been a naive young man, playing pranks on and with his buddies, being similarly pranked, part of a gang, living life on the edge, with crushes and heartbreaks. A normal guy.  
_Wow!_  
It released something within me, I felt closer to him, like I knew him better, like finally I'd found something in his life to which I could relate. I would also feel a certain amount of pride. I'd always been proud of my dad, (who wouldn't be?!), but so far I'd always been in awe of him. The way Uncle Wes told their stories, especially those of the really gripping starfighter battles, I would feel a swelling of my chest, I'd lean forward in my seat eagerly, hanging onto his every word, hungry for the outcome, and I'd think to myself, 'Yeah, that was _my _Dad!'

My evenings with the Rogues really helped me heal and helped me help Dad. It was ironical. I'd learnt, as a kid, the last person my Mom would've allowed to babysit me, even if the universe were falling apart, was Wes Janson! Couple of times they even came to the apartment to visit Dad, and I could see it was good for him. He was very surprised to learn I'd been spending my time with his old squad mates.  
"You hang out with other men my age but refuse to stay with me?!" he'd asked incredulously.  
I'd answered "You're my _dad_! I can't 'hang out' with you!"

I'd finally admitted it to him, "I wish I'd known you then…Back when you used to be a Rogue."  
"Really?" he'd queried, eyebrows raised.  
"You sound like you used to be way more fun back then than you are now!"  
My dad sneered.

* * *

The pilots taught me what being a young adult was all about. It was an education that stood me in good stead later in life, much better than many things I'd had to learn at the Academy or the Temple. I think at some point they realized my family couldn't be relied upon to show me certain truths I needed to know, so they adopted me as a collective pet project to coach me through my youth. Their older colleagues were dubious. At different points, they were roundly berated by Wedge Antilles and Tycho Celchu for corrupting a young boy. I had had to point out to them that my erstwhile Jedi Master, the late Darth Caedus, had barely left my innocence intact. My uncle, too, watched uneasily from the wings, but to his credit, he didn't say anything. Nevertheless, I could always sense his concern. Since Jacen's betrayal and everything that had happened subsequently, he had taken it upon himself to keep both eyes out for me. It was almost as if _he _owed us an apology.

So began the rounds of raunchy nightclubs and strip-joints, nights of wildness, ploughing speeders helter-skelter through Coruscant's late-night traffic, partying, dancing, boozing, even an occasional trip on spice. I had been pushed into the arms of women, whether willing or not and woken up, completely disoriented, on far too many unknown couches in far too many unknown apartments. I had staggered home in the wee hours of the night or early in the morning, walking the walk of shame far too many times.

I hadn't realized it at the time, but I had needed that period of self-destruction. I had thought everyone was being ultra cool with me, I was being allowed things I had never dreamed of! In hindsight, I should have known. There had to have been someone watching out for me. Somebody to ensure, no matter how much I lost control, that I didn't crash, didn't OD, didn't puke blood, didn't get my nose broken again or my skull cracked open and always managed to find my way back home. That's where my father's ex-squadron mates had come in. Somehow they had all recognized the inescapable darkness and repressed emotions that lay harboured within me which needed venting. Perhaps this had been a new way of keeping me from succumbing to the Dark Side like my grandfather, like my brother. I must admit, even at the time I had been a little suspicious at my family's surprisingly casual silence regarding my various activities. I wasn't a fool to think they were oblivious to exactly what I had been getting upto. My Force-sensitive family had always been aware of all my activities; they either chose to talk to me about it, or they didn't, but they always knew.

To no one's surprise greater than my own, this slightly unorthodox course of treatment worked. I found my concentration coming back. When I sat down to meditate, I felt more at peace with the Force, with myself. I drew a sharp line between my personas, that of a focussed Jedi apprentice versus the playboy-party animal, and found myself able to navigate between the two much more easily. I returned to the Temple. I didn't take anyone as a singular Master again, after Jacen, but learnt from all. My days I devoted to rigorous training, but the nights were my own. As Dad healed, he began to come by the Temple once again himself and I would notice him watching me out of the corner of my eyes as I sparred and dueled or would sense him sitting near by as I meditated. He never imposed his teaching on me as he once had during my childhood, but sometimes we would meditate together at home and I would listen with new-found patience as he shared a piece of Force-knowledge I might never have heard elsewhere. I was careful never again to allow a family member to become my Master. I think Dad saw some sort of wisdom in that. I never hesitated in asking him questions or seeking his advice in a dilemma, but I made it perfectly clear that I only sought him out as my father and would never accept him or anyone else, for that matter, as Master.

I passed my Jedi Trials a couple of years later, and became Jedi Knight Ben Skywalker at the age of sixteen. A lot of water had flowed under the bridge since Mom's death. I had grown up a long time ago. All my family had looked upon me with such pride that day, some even with tears in their eyes. But I had known in my heart of hearts then, as only a Skywalker can know, that my pronouncement as Jedi Knight was only the beginning of the ultimate destiny which awaited me.

**A/N: I needed these first two chapters to set the scene for the rest of the story to follow. The 'action' commences next week! **


	4. Chapter 3

**[ A/N: Some scenes in this chapter have been inspired by two fics by LadieLazarus called Mid-Life Crisis and Last Call. I found her settings so perfect for what I had in mind myself, I couldn't resist placing them here. So tip of the hat to you, milady! :P]**

I never really became much of a pilot, unlike my father or grandfather before me, or even my mother. But strangely enough, I felt most relaxed in and around ships. I would still spend time with the aging pilots, as often as Jedi missions permitted. Uncle Han and I remained close as ever, more than a father and more than a son in each other's estimation. As for Dad, the loss of Mom made us fiercely protective towards each other as we inwardly vowed never ever to lose the other the way we had lost her.

The drinking and partying and reckless driving ran their course and I eventually outgrew them all. But the women were another matter. I had never pictured myself as a playboy, I had always been shy as a child, but I found the persona suited me. I dated infrequently, formed relationships even less, but casual sex was par for the course. I paid attention to my physique and appearance, even as a Jedi, and was rewarded with the unabashed attention of the ladies. The shyness of my childhood and the brash recklessness of adolescence came to be replaced by a charming confidence, bordering on the arrogant. The influences of Wes Janson, my uncle, Han Solo, and particularly choice advice from Lando Calrissian were much in evidence. Add to that calm Jedi composure, and you'd get a fair idea of my methods. I had become a hunter like my mother. I stayed silent and preferred to remain unobserved, but when I made my move, I could make every word, every gesture count.

Love hurts. This I had learnt at a remarkably early age. When it hurt so much and so deeply to be constantly separated from the two people you loved most in the entire universe. It was a pain that was to become a constant in most of our lives. Wars never ended. Neither did the call of duty. We snatched our few moments of family togetherness in the face of ceaseless committments. Love hurt when the man I near-worshipped as a mentor and older brother turned against everything I had ever held sacred, against the Force, against family, against love… against _me_! Love hurt the worst when the one person I had ever loved above everything and everyone was ripped away from me by aforesaid "brother". Love continued to hurt, every time I saw those I loved or cared about hurt by love. There was only one woman whom I realized I was not afraid to love. But then, she hurt me too.

Relationships often baffled me. I learnt a lot of what NOT to do in a relationship watching my cousin sister Jaina battle out her issues with her various suitors, principally Jagged Fel. I'd always liked Jag best of all her boyfriends. I'd never understood how Master Kyp Durron and she had ever hooked up. I would never have thought them to be suited for each other. Neither had I ever quite taken to Zekk. I mean, he was fine, as a guy, I guess, but honestly, Jag was the only one I'd ever felt had a chance of making a long term relationship work with Jaina. All that she'd been through in her life had moulded her into who she was and that was someone I had often felt in awe of, much like Jacen. Jag was the only one with a past as chequered and emotionally ambiguous as hers, plus he was a pilot. Jaina could never have truly fallen for someone who didn't feel for starships the way she or her dad did. And the fact that he was a non-Force sensitive only added to my appreciation of him as an eventual brother-in-law. But I'd seen what he'd done for her. I'd seen how he'd weathered the emotional storms Jaina had been through and put him through. I knew how hard it was to accept someone's committment to duty as a rival to their commitment to you. My respect and sympathy for him had only grown with time. A few times I had been there in the hangars too when they'd thought they were alone, having hard, emotional arguments, fighting for some time to spend together as a couple. I'd felt the torrent of their feelings in the Force. I'd heard Jag once or twice literally _beg_ Jaina to give them one more chance, that he'd do all it took to keep them together. And my heart had bled for them. I'd wanted to knock Jen's obstinate head against the wall! I could well relate to the way he felt. As a child, I remembered at times begging Mom not to leave again. I also remembered that she still had and how distraught and angry that had always made me feel. I couldn't blame Jen, of course, just like I'd never been able to blame my mother. I knew all too well the nature of her duties. But I still knew what it felt like.

Myri Antilles had also seen her sister traumatized by love. With the destruction of the GA Second Fleet in which Syal Antilles's fiance, Tiom Rordan, had been flying, by Centerpoint Station, Myri had witnessed what love and the loss of it could do to a person. Syal had been devastated, forced to chart out her life alone when she'd had such hopes of joy with another. Myri had watched her beloved sister grieving in shock and had silently sworn never to let love hurt her like that.

We'd all been hurt by love, and we'd all installed our own defences against it.

My story with Myri begins when I was about 15 years old. Of course, she'd known me since childhood. We'd been in Shelter in the Maw together during the Vong War. I had been very young at the time, the youngest child there, under the care of Masters Kam and Tionne Solusar. Her father was a close friend of the family's, a long time comrade of my Dad's, General Wedge Antilles. I'd met Myri off and on over the years, mostly on social occasions, so we'd been friendly enough. But I'd never devoted special attention to her. Last I'd heard of her, she was working undercover on the _Errant Venture_, gathering intelligence information from its patrons while playing the part of a card-dealer in the casinos onboard. I remember thinking that was pretty cool.

It was during some of their down-time on Coruscant that Wes Janson, Hobbie Klivian, Face Loran, Kell Tainer and Gavin Darklighter suggested a short vacation to the _Errant Venture_ which had briefly docked in the system. I had always wanted to try my hand in a casino, so I jumped at the opportunity to accompany them. When I told Dad, he smiled.  
"You were born on the _Errant Venture_, did you know that?" he said, with a far-away look in his eyes.  
"Sure. You and Mom told me that. Can I go then? Please?"

We'd arrived on board the _Venture_ earlier that evening, pumped with anticipation, expecting a night of raucous entertainment. It must have been atleast twelve years since I'd last been on it, but it had still brought a nostalgic smile to my lips. We'd met the Captain and delivered our regards in person. He'd clapped me on the shoulder, smiling broadly through his beard and I'd beamed fondly up at the buff old man. Once we'd all taken a quick shower and changed appropriately, we'd hit the floors. I had to admit, for a bunch of seniors, they still had it in them to take on a young man's world. Gavin and Kell were married with kids, but it was almost like they became different people when they were out with their squadron buddies.

Myri found us out at the bar. She tapped Wes on the shoulder. He turned to her and his whisky sour nearly spilled from his hand. I pushed away the pink daiquiri I'd been sipping on and straightened myself up quickly, trying to look as coolly macho as possible. She was hot! There was no other word for it. She had a slim, petite figure and wore her hair short, pixie style, platinum blonde. I thought it suited her. And she was wearing-_ whoo!_. She was wearing a black shiny skirt which barely grazed mid-thigh with knee length shiny black boots and a glittering deep red halter vest..._ with nothing underneath_! My throat went dry very quickly and suddenly those two sips of daiquiri seemed enough to set the world spinning around me.  
"Uncle Wes! I heard you guys were on board from the captain. It's been so long!"  
She reached over and hugged him and then proceeded to greet all her "uncles" the same way. They all returned her affections with stunned smiles and varied levels of awkwardness. I saw Wes mouth _Wedge. Antilles. Youngest! Daughter!_ over at Hobbie while he tried to return her enthusiastic hug as platonically as possible. Finally, she reached me. My collar felt like it's temperature had reached a hundred degrees. Her eyes went round when she saw me.  
"Ben! " she yipped, "Goodness! You've grown!"  
I tried my best imitation of the Solo lopsided smile, but was later told it had come out with less flair than I'd hoped.  
"Hey Myri," I said and was alarmed to hear my voice croaking. I hastily cleared my throat.  
"You look...amazing!"  
She grinned and gave me a mock curtsey.  
"Thank you! Hey, what're you doin' later? I get off in a couple of hours. If you can survive the oldsters a while longer, I'd love to show you around!"  
The "oldsters" had looked rather indignant at this, but I'd weakly grinned and nodded enthusiastically, my heart beating so loudly I thought she might even have heard it!  
"Wow! I'd-I'd really love that, Myri!"  
"Cool! So, will I be seeing any of you guys at my table?"  
There had been non-committal mutters, so she'd placed her hands on her hips and glared.  
"You won't get the odds I give with any of the other dealers, I'll guarantee you that!"  
At this Kell and Wes had weakly acquiesced and she'd left with them, but not without a gentle touch to my hand, reminding me of our pending committment.

I spent the next hour or so shifting restlessly on the bar stool, downing my daiquiri and ordering another. I downed that one too and instantly felt better. But I couldn't get comfortable and was beginning to feel terribly impatient. Face and Gavin were checking out girls of several species while Hobbie had disappeared. I made a scant excuse leaving the bar, though I had the distinct impression they were too pre-occupied to notice.

I wandered around, finally discovering Hobbie yelling and pounding on a slot-machine. I grinned to myself, but left the aged pilot to his own devices as all-too colourful curses came pouring out of his mouth. I wandered the corridors, taking in the various attractions of the Red Level, observing different cultures taking part in different raucuous merriments and staring out into the vastness of space through the occasional viewport. It was as good a way to kill time as any. As I circled back to the Hot Streak Casino again, I saw her. She had a small handbag slung over her shoulder and she was chewing her lower lip as she looked from one end of the corridor to the other, as if she were searching for someone. I hurried up to her, surprisingly feeling more at ease and less flushed.  
"Looking for someone?"  
"Oh, Ben! There you are! Uncle Gavin had absolutely no idea where you'd gone when I asked him."  
I smirked.  
"Good thing I'm old enough to take care of myself then!"  
She raised an eyebrow as an amused smile tugged at her lips.  
"Well you better be if you're going to be baby-sat by Rogues!"  
I laughed, knowing that was one thing we'd probably had in common.  
"So hey," she continued,"You tried your hand at anything yet?"  
I shrugged.  
"Naw, not yet… Dunno if I should…" I blushed furiously, feeling like a kid in front of her again.  
Myri looked at me incredulously.  
"You've got to be kidding me! Don't tell me the Rogues didn't teach you any better than that! Betting is like breathing to Wes Janson! Come on!"

I let her grab me by the hand and pull me through the crowds to the most packed arcade on the ship. We had to literally shove our way through the throng of people. I felt a medley of raw emotions churning through the Force within the dim confines of the rather smallish hall we were in. A lot of it was intense competitiveness and greed, even lust. My curiosity at all the frantic shouting and shoving and flailing of fists propelled me towards the centre of the room where, in a giant depression lined with sand, two nexu were circling each other. 'Nexu baiting!' I thought, fascinated. It was an evil sport where men bet on nexu in a fight to the death. I had heard Uncle Han mention it once or twice, but I'd never actually seen a fight in progress before. I was only able to catch a glimpse of the fight before I found my way blocked by the bulky figure of a man.  
"Just where do you think you're going, boy?"  
I looked up into the face of the Captain, Booster Terrik.

"No!" said Booster Terrik vehemently, wagging a stern finger not even an inch from my face.  
"No Jedi play in my casinos. I won't have it. Why, they'd rob the house blind! You don't need luck when you've got the Force! I may be an old man, but even I'm not fool enough to allow a Force-user near my card dealers and roulette tables! It wouldn't be fair to the ordinary folk," he tried to end on a gentler note. I stared at him in dismay. But he meant what he said. Booster Terrik's 'No' stayed a 'No'.

I have to say Myri fought valiantly on my behalf. My throat had gone dry at the fierce glint in Captain Terrik's beetle black eyes. However it had been to no avail. Finally, in a heated temper, Myri had grabbed my hand and stalked off, pulling me weakly protesting behind her. She slowed down as we reached the mess halls, now converted into full-scale food plazas.  
"I'm sorry about that, Ben," she said, chewing her lip in obvious embarrassment.  
"Hey, it's cool, Myri. No sweat." I replied, discreetly rubbing my wrist. She had a terrifically strong grip.  
"I guess my dad wouldn't have wanted me to blow credits on a nexu fight anyway."  
She smiled warmly.  
"If you had, I doubt you'd have told him anyway."  
She had me there. I smiled ruefully.  
"But Booster's awfully particular about some things, and it looks like this is one of them. Trust me, when Booster says _No_ in that tone, even Mirax wouldn't be able to change his mind!"  
I was impressed at this. Aunt Mirax, when she put her mind to it, generally got her way in almost everything. It was one of the traits she'd shared with my Mom.  
"Come on," I heard Myri saying,"Let's get something to eat. I'm starving."

We talked as we ate a dish of noodles and fries. Pretty soon we were chatting and joking like old friends. She had a remarkable way of putting me at my ease. I soon forgot the fiasco at the nexu pit and began truly enjoying myself for the first time that evening. Myri filled me in on how she joined up with her mom, a prominent Corellian intelligence agent, in gathering crucial information while undercover on the _Venture_. She'd decided to continue while her mom had left to join her dad, a key supporter of the Correllian rebellion. Inwardly I winced at this and debated whether or not to reveal my history at the GAG under Jacen's command. We had been instrumental in attempts to crush the insurgency. But that thought only flashed for a second. It was impossible that she not know my recent activities. Leaving aside the fact that she was an Intel agent, I was a Skywalker. The entire galaxy knew most of my life history. It came with the name. I decided it would be safest to trust to our friendship to ride this one out.  
"Dad's not too happy with the arrangement, though," Myri was saying.  
I had no doubt. Wedge Antilles would be hard put to it to be pleased about his daughter working at a casino in such provocative outfits, regularly dealing with a fair bit of the galaxy's scum and villainy.  
"Dads seldom are," I agreed.  
Myri smiled.

It was getting late, the diner we had been sitting in was beginning to empty, but it seemed our flow of conversation would not stop. Bottles of wine and lomin ale had served to loosen our tongues. I realized I had never connected with anyone this way before. I had been born at an awkward time, the last of my generation and an only child. I had never had any friends my own age. My own cousins had been almost two decades older to me. I had grown up in the company of people older to me. Myri had been seven or eight when I'd been born. That made her as close as I ever got to contemporary. Despite the difference in our ages, I was most grateful for the fact that she didn't treat me like a kid. As the night progressed, we'd even lightly flirted with each other!

Finally, as the establishment pointedly refused to serve us anything further before it closed, we had to settle our bill and leave, quite reluctantly, in fact, as we had become so comfortably settled. I didn't even care how late it was. I was on vacation and refused to be time-bound. Besides, I knew the Rogues would be passed out in their beds tonight and not notice me until morning at the least. I was free. We linked our arms through each others as we walked, neither of us exactly steady after the amounts of liquour we had consumed. From somewhere close by, strains of loud and pounding music reached our ears. In unison, our feet were drawn towards the doors of the particular establishment. It was a regular dance club where the party appeared to just have gotten started. Since neither of us was in any mood to go home just yet, we entered the club instead. Myri seemed totally at home in the place and after a while started to groove and sway gently to the music. In later and wiser years, I deduced that the ambience of a nightclub is designed to appeal most particularly to inebriated senses, and ordinarily (by which I mean sober!) I would probably not like to be stuck in a place where the music pounds upon your eardrums and strobe lights are quite likely to turn you blind. Nevertheless, these were not ordinary circumstances and Myri was pulling my hand, dragging me forward into the giddy melee.

Now here's a little secret that I've kept even from my close family. I'm a pretty neat dancer. I have the teenage instinct of how to party and know how to move it! I think I impressed Myri in there too, matching her step for step. I never really gave up the hope, I guess, of someday being able to lead a normal teenage life. That was the greatest thing about this night. It was so _normal _! It didn't have the element of self-bashing that all my wild nights of revelry on Coruscant had had. For the first time, in more than a year, I was almost able to forget that I had been betrayed by my brother and turned into a cold-blooded killer, that my mother had been brutally murdered and the ice-cold days I had spent seeking revenge, that till date my father was still wallowing in that grief forcing me to become a man before my time. Tonight I felt like a fifteen-year old acting like a fifteen-year old… and maybe even developing his first crush.

The wine had started flowing again and we had taken to the dance floor. I was leaning on the counter for a breather after a particularly energetic number, when Myri pushed through towards me, two new shot glasses in her hand and a glint in her eyes that made me look at her a tad warily.  
"Ben, would you do something if I dared you to?"  
My suspicions were confirmed. I had a bad feeling about this. I narrowed my eyes at her, but still went on to ask,  
"What?"  
She pushed one of the shots into my hand. Her grin was positively maniacal by now.  
"I dare you to get up on this bar and do a solo...with your shirt off!"  
I swayed unsteadily.  
"You-you want me to strip?!" I asked incredulously. Was this what the night was going to turn into? An older woman taking advantage of a drunken me?  
She literally bounced.  
"No silly! Not strip, just take your shirt off!"  
"That counts as stripping in my book, Myri. And no. I'm not drunk enough to be taken advantage of like that just yet."  
Her eyes gleamed evilly once clinked her shot glass against mine.  
"That's why I got you this."

I had known I would regret it. We Skywalkers have an inherent talent for digging our own graves. It seems I'd inherited the trait. She begged, she cajoled, she threatened. When I still refused, she used her secret weapon. She shrugged as if admitting defeat, downed her shot in one gulp and bounced off to dance with someone else. I stayed back, still holding onto the bar for support, still staring dubiously at the lethal shot. Myri was paying no attention to me and I found my gaze involuntarily straying down to her tightly skirted behind, now grazing against some other guy's hip. That did it. I was prudent enough to send a mental prayer for forgiveness upwards before I tilted my head back and threw damnation down my gullet. Still relatively unnoticed, I scrambled up onto the bar and with the help of the Force, switched the music off. That did it for the rest of them. Now everybody's eyes were on me as I staggered to my feet on top of the counter and attempted making a bold, if highly slurred, announcement.  
"Ladies and gentlemen, human or otherwise, I wish to hereby publicly accept the dare proposed to me by one Ms. Myri Antilles. Myri, challenge...accepted!"

I didn't know whether at some point I had mentally filed away a song just for such an occasion (I had a nasty feeling I may just have!), nevertheless, the one that now played was slow and sultry with just enough acoustic to give it a raw edge. The crowd hooted and I saw Myri shoving her way to the front, her eyes round and disbelieving. A slow smile spread over my face as I finally let myself go to the groove of the music.

If I may say so myself, I think I did a pretty good job of pulling off Myri's dare. When I finally did take off my shirt and threw it into the crowd, her jaw dropped and even if I did only imagine it, I believe her eyes traced down my well-toned torso. After my little number, I had many individuals sidling up to me through the remainder of the night, female and male, young and old, species not restricted, making attractive offers, even asking me to name my price! I seemingly basked in the sudden swathe of attention just to tick Myri off. At the end of the night, as the crowd thinned, we were once again the last to leave. We had finally run out of steam. I had to hunt for what shreds remained of my best shirt and shrugged it on, yawning hugely. I caught Myri's eye and as if on cue, she yawned too. We laughed, turning around, and the laugh died in my throat. For the second time that night, I found myself looking up, straight into the eyes of Booster Terrik.

"That was quite a show you put on up there, boy," he chuckled enjoying my embarrassment.  
Myri had gripped my arm convulsively. The fatigue of the night had suddenly crept up on me and I doubted how much longer I'd be able to keep standing upright. A steady headache was also beginning to make itself felt, just in between my brows.  
"Tell you what," he said. "I'll cut you kids a deal. You," he said, jabbing his finger at me,"Put on a show like that for the public whenever you're here, and I'll let you gamble for as much as you want anywhere on my ship. Deal?"  
Both of us gaped at him.  
"P-p-public?!" I gasped. Things were beginning to get out of control. A sudden image of what my Dad's face might look like if he even got a clue as to what I'd been up to tonight flashed in my head, and it was so terrifying that I clasped my eyes shut trying to get rid of it.  
But Myri was staring at him.  
"Really? You mean that, Captain?"  
"Myri!" I couldn't believe her. What in the nine Corellian hells was she thinking?!  
"In lieu of monetary recompense, of course," Booster,the consummate businessman, provided smoothly, lighting up a large cigar.  
"Wow!" Myri breathed. "That's _astral _!"  
"No!" I finally managed to choke out. "No kriffing way! Are you two insane?! My Dad'd flay me alive if he knew about-about this! And besides, I'm not going to be staying here forever! I've gotta get home! To Coruscant!"  
"Hey, one show, every time you visit, and your credits're on the house."  
"Ben!" Myri hissed. "He's making you an offer you can't refuse! Don't be a fool!"  
I glared at both of them.  
"No", I said, and attempted to stalk out with what dignity I had left. Booster didn't even try to stop me, but I heard Myri come up from behind and forcefully turn me around.  
"Ben! What would it hurt? You're a good dancer, you enjoy it, the crowd loves you and do you have any idea how much you could stand to win?!"  
I looked at her coldly.  
"I'm sorry, I don't feel I'm quite ready to join the flesh trade."  
She looked at me in shock for a second, but her expression hardened in an instant.  
"In case you hadn't quite heard what the Captain said, Jedi Skywalker, no one is exactly asking you to perform a strip-tease. You have a talent for song and dance and that was merely being appreciated. Not to mention that I don't know what moral high ground you're claiming."  
Now it was my turn to sneer.  
"What exactly is that supposed to mean?"  
She looked me in the eyes, unflinching.  
"You're reputation isn't exactly unknown even here, Jedi Skywalker."  
"And what reputation would that be?"  
She leaned in towards me, even though we pretty much matched, height-wise.  
"I'm an Intel agent, Jedi Skywalker, and a good one. Even if you haven't been keeping count of the number of women you've already slept with, I have."  
I felt my stomach churn and my head reel.  
"Are-are you trying to blackmail me then?"  
Myri folded her arms in front of her.  
"I won't be blackmailing you. The Captain's given you a choice. I just want you to know who you're dealing with...And I expect you to accord the Captain a certain amount of respect."  
I was beginning to feel sick. I could be so stupid sometimes.  
I looked at the two of them, nodded at the Captain, and without a further word, left the nightclub.

_"You were a bit too harsh on the poor kid I think, Myri."_  
_"He'll survive."_  
_"I think he was developing a thing for you."_  
_"Then it's a good thing I nipped it in the bud. He's far too young for me."_

Somehow I managed to find my way back to my room and promptly passed out on the bed. My accompanying pilots found me still sleeping late,wearing a torn shirt and with what looked suspiciously like a lipstick stain near my belly-button.  
"Wow! The kid really got some action last night, huh?"  
"How come we were never as lucky at his age?"  
Needless to say, when I woke up, I was completely hungover.

My next encounter with Myri happened just two nights later, my last day aboard the _Errant Venture_. I had gotten into an amorous entanglement the previous night and as soon as I awoke, I was preparing to extricate myself from it. In other words, I had just had a one-night stand and was preparing to leave after waking up in bed with a girl whose name I couldn't even remotely recall.

A very predictable scenario. I had been at the bar as usual with the Rogues, a couple of chicks had come up to ask me if I was THE Ben Skywalker and if I was, would I like to join them? They had been reasonably attractive, part of a larger reasonably attractive crowd. I had sensed potential. I had accepted their offer with the Rogues' blessings and what had ensued had been a regular booze and spice party in one of the _Venture's_ larger luxury suites. It had ended with me bedding one of the girls and passing out, barely clothed, alongside her.

As I surveyed the wreckage of the aftermath once I'd come to my senses, it was obvious more revellers had swelled our numbers during the course of the rather forgettable night. I barely spared a glance for the girl I had had intimate relations with just a few hours previously as I hunted down the remainder of my clothing. It was the regular feeling of self-destruction that had set in and my mood was no better now that I was awake. I made my way to the small pantry to see if there was something I might be able to scavenge for breakfast, and stopped short as I stepped in. The only other person awake at this hour aside from myself was standing inside, dressed only in an over-size shirt, casually stirring a cup of caf and smirking at me. Myri.

I tried not to scowl, but I think I still managed to make my displeasure at seeing her evident. She continued to smirk. I ignored her and went to get myself a cup of caf and a toaster pastry.  
"Yep. You sure do have a reputation for a Jedi Knight."  
I swallowed the scathing retort I might have made about her reputation, seeing as we were in the same situation, and neither for the first time. I wasn't going to give her the pleasure of bringing me down to her own level when she was obviously provoking me. Therefore I evenly replied,  
"I'm not a Knight yet. Just a padawan."  
She didn't reply. Just sipped her caf and continued following my movements with her eyes.  
I sat down at the table with my cup of caf and bit into my pastry.  
"So which of the guys were you with last night?" I asked casually, deciding to break the silence. Not that I cared, of course.  
"One of them", she replied, airily, vaguely waving towards the inner cabins. "Which girl were you with?"  
"One of them", I replied, equally triflingly, indicating in the direction of the couch.  
She smirked once more and came to sit facing me at the table.  
"Today's my last day on board," I said, once again breaking the silence after we'd sat simply staring at each other for a while.  
She shrugged. "Okay."

I'd finished my breakfast and slowly people around were beginning to stir and come to their senses. There was nothing for it but to take my leave. But something made me stop after I'd gotten up and turn around to face her again.  
"You know, all the girls I keep screwing, all the meaningless sex … it's all just to try and fill this hole in my heart. But it never makes the pain go away."  
I turned back after that and left as quickly as I could.

_Myri continued to stare after him, but something in her eyes had dimmed._

__**[A/N: Roller-coaster? You bet! Expect the unexpected in this fic! Lots more coming up so watch out next week!]**


	5. Chapter 4

A lot happened in my life till I saw her again. Two years passed. We both grew older. Perhaps wiser. I had uncounted affairs and dalliances, even an ill-thought-out girlfriend, for a short period of time. But her face would flash before me unbidden at odd times. Her intoxicated, sparkling eyes, daring me to do the unthinkable, the way she'd tried to fight Booster Terrik on my behalf, even that unbelievably annoying smirk of hers, and the view of her supple, lithe body under that over-size shirt, which I'd traced discreetly with my eyes. That image would come most often when I was with some other woman. It would infuriate and excite me no end and I would finish my job in a temper and get no satisfaction out of it. It disturbed me. I wished my memories of her would stop returning. But they never did.

The next time I met her was at an unprecedented moment of happiness for my family. My cousin Jaina's wedding to former Head of the Imperial Remnant, Jagged Fel. It was the only wedding in my family that I would be able to attend before my own. Myri's own aunt was mother to Jag, so she happened to be family on the groom's side. I was surprised, but obviously glad, that the Antilles family had been able to make it to the "secret" wedding of their nephew. It had been a rare joyous interlude after yet another torturous phase of fighting, this time against the Sith threat of the Lost Tribe along with Abeloth. I was seventeen now, taller, more sedate, finally a full Jedi Knight who had proven himself on a long and arduous mission, no longer the misguided and betrayed GAG junior officer. Seeing Myri (luckily before she saw me) roused very mixed feelings in me. She hadn't changed very much, only dyed her hair pink and gotten an eyebrow ring which, in my opinion, was smokin' sexy.

* * *

I was kept busy with the ceremony, so I didn't get a chance to talk to her till later. Till the dancing. That was my wedding gift to my newly-wed sister. A chance to have some fun as a family, a truly rare treat among the Skywalkers and Solos, and now the Fels. I had secretly arranged for a swing band to come aboard the _Dragon Queen II_ after the wedding ceremony . Of course, traditionally, there should have been a band already, but Jaina and Jag had insisted that they wanted a super tiny, private, discreet wedding. My Aunt Leia had been _so _disappointed! Anyway, seeing Myri again forced me to make up my mind about one thing. I had been debating all day whether or not I should finally reveal my secret to the family: that I was a pretty awesome dancer. With Myri onboard, I quickly came to a decision. This could be my only chance to win back her favour. Somehow, the moment I'd caught a glimpse of her, my heart had nearly stopped. I'd tried so hard to forget about her, dismissing my feelings as a long-forgotten teenage infatuation. This time I could see they had been more than that. A lot more. In an instant I'd forgotten that I'd just gotten out of an unfortunate entanglement with Vestara Khai, about what had happened the last time we'd met and how humiliated I'd felt. It was like the Force was telling me to make a fresh start. To give her and myself another chance.

The swing band turned out to be a nice surprise and everyone seemed to be enjoying it. Dad came and slapped me on the back and remarked on how my thoughtful, sentimental nature was a pleasant change from my usual pig-headedness. I stuck my tongue out at him. (I'm allowed to. He's my Dad.) I'd had a word with the band-leader earlier (and also slipped him a 10-cred coin) and he was waiting for my cue to play a special number. My chance came at the very end, once everyone (including my little cousin, Allana) had had their fill of dancing with each other and the level of energy was on the wane. Most people were sitting down, idly chatting, sipping on their final glasses of Alderaanian wine. Now I would be sure to have their full attention. I cast a quick glance around. Myri was in a corner, chatting with her aunt. She and I had run into each other awkwardly all over the place. No matter how hard I tried, I had not been able to engineer a smooth conversation with her. She too had acted somewhat cool and kept her tone politely neutral,as if nothing had ever happened between us. And on top of that, Allana had decided to appoint me her official dance partner for the evening and had enthusiastically dragged me away from almost everyone else onto the floor for almost every song! It was frustrating. This looked like my last chance.

I darted back to the periphery of the dance floor, loosening up my shoulders, hearing in my head the ribbing I was bound to get from my family after my little "performance". I discreetly motioned to the band-leader and he nodded in acknowledgement. He must've guessed I was doing it to impress a girl because the patronizing "Go get 'er, Tiger!" smile he flashed at me made me want to roll my eyes. I closed my eyes and tried to focus in the Force as the intro started playing.

"I have a boyfriend."

I had danced with them all. All the ladies in the room. One by one, Jaina, Aunt Leia, Tenel Ka, Iella and Syal Antilles, one on each arm, even Lady Syal Antilles-Fel and, of course, little Allana. I had noticed Myri, standing in the farthest corner, watching me intently, her eyes beginning to sparkle again, her familiar smirk threatening to appear, and I'd extended my hand to her last. My hands had slid into place at her waist as I'd pulled her close and I'd seen the shocked flicker in her eyes. The hangar bay, alongwith all the people around me had seemed to disappear. My feet had moved of their own accord, as the music faded into the background of my hearing. I had no eyes for anything but her. This was it. This was the moment I'd been waiting for. The chemistry between us had been so intense,so palpable,there could have been no way even she could have denied it. The song ended and we were flush up against each other, in full view of everyone and not even realizing it. I was panting, my heart pounding audibly in my chest, desperately wanting to bend down and kiss her. It was lucky I withheld for that moment. Because that's when she quietly dropped the bombshell.

I let go of her too abruptly out of sheer embarrassment. I turned, sort of smiled around at everyone, bowed slightly and literally ran out of the hangar bay. I was walking so fast, I didn't register the footsteps behind me. My head was reeling, her words echoing repeatedly in my burning ears.  
"So Myri, huh?"  
I didn't stop or even turn at my father's amused voice.  
"No!" I instantly replied, my voice sounding absurdly squeaky and high-pitched even to my own ears.  
"We're just friends, Dad."

* * *

I calmed down over the night, after I'd locked myself in my cabin and hidden myself in the Force. Dad banged on my door a couple of times, but I yelled out that I was fine and just needed to be alone for a while.

So she had a boyfriend. So what? There was nothing to say they were serious, or even exclusive. She had probably had tons of boyfriends by now. She was older than me, after all. There was nothing to be surprised about. I had had a girlfriend till a couple of months ago and look how that had turned out.

_"Look, Vestara, what do you want from me? You'd known all along that it wouldn't work. I'm a Jedi, you're a Sith-"_  
_"I-I wanted to change for you, Ben.I fought alongside you! I-I killed my father..!"_  
_"Change?! What change?! You kept betraying me! You tried to kill my cousin! An eight-year old little girl! I tried to see the good in you, but you kept trying to convert me! You wanted me to turn to the Dark Side! Become Sith, like you! Turn against my father, my family, the Jedi Order, all that I've ever believed in! You were acting like a true Sith, you know that? I owe you nothing!"_  
_"But-but, Ben! We- we… what about us… didn't it mean anything to you?"_  
_"What? Sexual congress?You were trying to seduce me! Don't think I didn't see through it in a klick. Well, two can play at that game. Don't play the innocent with me, Vestara. It was just a kriff!"_  
_"Ben!"_  
_"You're not the innocent you claim to be, Ves. You needed me to gain acceptance back in your Tribe. That's what you want, not me. You first need to get a few things straightened in your head."_  
_"You-you said you…loved me."_  
_"Well, I lied. I could have helped you though. But I could never love you, Ves. I don't trust you."_

No. It was the way she'd said it. Why had she told me? Why then? At the precise moment when maybe I could've kissed her? Had she meant it to be a warning? Does she want me to back off? But there's no way she didn't feel the chemistry between us while we were dancing!  
"Ben?"  
She was outside my door. I could feel myself flushing in embarrassment.  
"Ben, please. Can we talk?"  
"It's ok, Myri," I answered through the door. I couldn't bring myself to open it and face her.  
"Ben, it's just...I don't want to hurt you."  
"I understand. You don't have to explain anything."  
My voice came out more gruffly than I intended it to.  
"I wish you'd atleast open the door."  
I punched in the code on the access panel and the door whooshed open. I had braced myself for whatever she might have to say. My shields were up. I looked into her startled eyes.  
"I'm sorry about what happened tonight. You have a boyfriend. I was out of line. I didn't know. I'm sorry. Won't happen again."  
She still looked stricken.  
"I-uh, I'd like it if we could still be friends, you know. And you're welcome on the _Venture_ anytime, of course."  
I simply nodded. It was all I could do.  
She left. I closed my door and sank down to the floor behind it, clutching my head, everything in turmoil.

* * *

I couldn't sleep. I went down for an early breakfast and to my surprise, found I was not alone. My aunt was sitting at the small table in the galley, sipping from a cup of caf, looking thoughtful.  
"Ben!" she exclaimed in surprise, when I walked in, "You're up early!"  
"I could say the same for you," I remarked, smiling at her and helping myself to a cup as well.  
"Jag and Jaina's wedding night activities keeping you awake?"  
She pursed her lips at me in mock annoyance.  
"You're next, you know."  
"Who's next?"  
We both turned to see my newly-wed sister walk through the door. Lot of people having sleepless nights, I thought to myself, smirking at her over the top of my mug. My aunt nodded in my direction.  
I snorted. "Not if I have Jen's luck with relationships!"  
"Hey! In case you hadn't noticed, I _did_ just get married!"  
I snorted again.  
"Took your time about it too! I, however, intend on giving my father grandkids before he _dies_!"  
Jaina's nostrils flared and both mother and daughter looked at me in indignation.  
"Pretty confident about yourself, aren't you?" Aunt Leia retorted.  
I grinned at her, smugly.  
"If family history's anything to go by, you're not getting married before you're well into your thirties!"  
"Oh I don't know, Mom," Jaina said, "If his mug improves with age, I'd say maybe forty."  
Now it was my turn to look indignant.  
"Tell you what,"I said, trying to make things a little more interesting. "Why don't we settle this Uncle Han style? Fifty credits say I get married in 10 years."  
Aunt Leia raised her eyebrows.  
"By_ 27_?! That would be setting some sort of record, honey!"  
I shrugged.  
"Grandfather did it by the time he was twenty."  
Jaina snorted into her caf.  
"If you get married by 27, I'll pay you a _thousand_ credits!"  
I glared at her.  
"I find your lack of faith disturbing, dear cousin. But you're on!"  
"Gambling starts early around here," a fourth voice chimed in, and I felt the grin slip off my face.

Aunt Leia and Jaina pointedly excused themselves so that Myri and I could be alone.  
"Traitors," I muttered under my breath as they left, gripping my caf cup tighter. I knew I couldn't face her this early, I was at my most vulnerable. When I finally lifted my head, my heart constricted painfully at the sight of her. She was wearing shorts and a normal t-shirt, her hair naturally tousled from bed. She moved with cat-like grace across the galley to get herself some caf, and I found my eyes unconsciously tracing her body beneath her clothes. I closed my eyes and took several deep, calming breaths to still my deep desire. She sat down across from me.  
"We do meet over breakfast tables, don't we?" she said, with her trademark smirk.  
I felt a giant lump in my throat. I attempted a faint smile and hurriedly shifted my gaze to my cup.  
"I know you want to ask," she said quietly, after a while.  
"About him. Go ahead, I don't mind."  
"I don't want to," I told her clearly."Really. I had a girlfriend, too, till some time ago."  
"Oh?" she said, her eyebrows raised. "What happened?"  
I shrugged. "The usual. I was an idiot."  
She smirked again. "I can imagine."  
I toyed with my cup for a few moments. The caf had gone cold and I knew I wouldn't be drinking what was left. I couldn't restrain myself any longer.  
"So…is this one serious? The boyfriend?" I asked, as casually as I could manage.  
"I thought you weren't interested."  
Her smirk remained in place, but I noted a little mischievous sparkle in her eyes. It was always a duel between us.  
"You said you wouldn't mind if I asked. Besides, I'm not interested, just curious."  
She shrugged.  
"Maybe. Not entirely sure yet."  
I don't know if she noticed a flicker of hope in my eyes because she suddenly leaned back sharply.  
"Look, Ben," she said, quietly but firmly, "You're not a fool. Stop acting like one. You're much too young for 've been good friends before. Don't ruin it."  
Her words hit me hard.  
"You're right,"I said, standing up abruptly. " I'm sorry that's something I can't change."

_Mom._  
_I so wish you were here right now. I really need your help. I can't talk to Dad about girls! But I don't know what to do. I need to talk to you. Please Mom! You always had the right advice for me. Is she right? Am I too young for her? Even after all I've been through? I think I'm in love with her, but could she ever fall in love with a guy like me? I know I've done a lot of …things lately, Mom. I'm not proud of them. But am I really just a colossal dick? She probably only sees me as a confused teenager…or Force knows what. But I'm more than that! I know I'm more than that! But how do I make her see it?_  
_Oh Mom._

**A/N: An apology for all Vestara-fans out there. Sorry for being so mean with her, but I can't help it. I just don't like her. To all readers, please review! I love hearing what you guys think !**

**More coming up as usual next week! Stay tuned ;D**


	6. Chapter 5

**A/N: I have decided to change my posting schedule for this story a bit as I think it's going too slow and maybe ppl are having trouble keeping up with continuity changes. I will now be posting on Tuesdays and Saturdays. I believe an issue has been coming up where ppl feel that the changes taking place in the story are a bit abrupt. Let me point out once again that this is a POV fic. It is told through the characters' thoughts themselves and it tends to get a bit episodic to mimic the flow of human thought and keep to the context. I have also not followed strict linear continuity in the narrative. There will be points of flashback or events occurring which will be explained later. I urge my readers to please be patient and read carefully. All is explained within the story itself.**

**And here's the next instalment :D**

"Valin? Could I have a moment?"

Enter Valin Horn. Jedi Knight, musician, and dancer extraordinaire. Not many knew of his latter qualities. I poked my head around the door of one of the practice rooms in the Jedi Temple where he was working on strengthening his limited telekinesis skills. He looked around in surprise.  
"Sure, Ben. What's up?"  
I entered a little hesitantly.  
"Umm... I kinda need your help with something, Valin. It's...about a girl."

We sat cross-legged on the floor. I talked. About Myri, our encounter on the_ Errant Venture_, Booster's offer, how I hadn't been able to stop thinking about her since, and then Jaina's wedding night.  
"So you want to start over, huh?"  
"Yeah...I think we maybe got off on the wrong foot. And I really want this to work out, Val."  
He nodded and clapped me on the back.  
"I think it's for the best, bro. Don't worry. We'll get you this girl."

Even though Myri's rejection of me still rankled, at some level it had only served to strengthen my stubborness and determination. No "boyfriend" would stop me from making my move. And then we'd let her decide. It was a gamble, and to gamble on Booster's ship, I would have to clear his condition. I had a plan. I had to get on the _Venture_again. I'd make Myri see me as a man she could fall for if it was the last thing I did.

_Jedi Master Kyle Katarn was walking down the corridor, immersed in his own thoughts and rapidly texting on his datapad when he heard something. A slow frown formed between his brows and he turned to follow the strange sound. It led him to one of the smaller practice areas. He sensed focussed concentration behind the closed doors and heard louder strains of music to a continuous rhythmic thump. At one touch of his hand, the doors silently slid open and Master Katarn's eyebrows shot up at the sight beyond._

"And… step, turn, step, twist, step, step, clap…Jump, step, twist, step…Got it?"  
"Yeah…" I was panting, but utterly focussed.  
"Ok, let's take it from the top."

It was just as the song was ending, just as we were on our final twist and jump that Valin and I both heard the familiar snap-hiss of a lightsaber being ignited. Without missing a beat, the two of us had our own lightsabers up and ignited as we turned to face our adversary. Master Katarn gave us no warning of his attack. We didn't need any. We had the Force. Moving as if in unison, Valin and I fanned out to engage Master Katarn and he easily challenged the both of us. We moved back and forth, neither party giving ground, our 'sabers flashing furiously, sparks flying from contact. It was the most intense and alive I'd felt in days and I let the Force flow through me with relish, relaxing and feeling its unhindered power. I was smiling as I battled Master Katarn, confident he wouldn't be able to defeat me today. My eyes flicked briefly to Valin and I saw he was similarly composed. As abruptly as he had started it, Master Katarn suddenly switched off his lightsaber in mid-leap. Instantly, I thumbed mine off too and danced away to the left to avoid him crashing into me. We faced each other, panting slightly, all of us pausing to catch our breaths. Valin was the first to crack a grin towards the Battlemaster.  
"Is this the punishment we get for using the practice area as a dance studio?"  
Kyle Katarn grinned back.  
"Pretty much. But that could hardly have been punishment could it? You two didn't even break sweat."  
"Maybe you're getting too old to take on two youthful Jedi at the same time, Master", I smirked.  
He turned his cool gaze on me in the split second I realized he was going to make me regret my words. His lightsaber flicked back to life and I barely had time to assume battle-stance before his blade was battering mine. I had to Force-push him to get a bit of breathing space, I'd been fighting on the back-foot the entire time. Valin tried to come to my aid, but Master Katarn sent him a gentle Force-nudge, warning him not to get involved. I drew on the Force for strength to match the experienced Master's and ducked and rolled beneath his barrage of blows. Finally, I found a weak spot and exploited it, forcing Master Katarn to go on the defensive for the first time. I swiftly pushed my advantage and disarmed him with a kick to his wrist, forcing him to open his hand as I beckoned his lightsaber to myself.

This time I was panting much harder, bent over double and clutching my knees for support. But I smiled at him triumphantly. Master Katarn returned my smile with appraisal and pride, making me smile even wider.  
"Very good, Padawan. Very effective use of the Force. I could sense your focus and I'm happy to note your offensive movements are not as erratic as they used to be. Your father will be pleased."  
He turned to Valin.  
"This... dancing seems to have focussed your concentration, your perception of the Force, I see. Both of you performed above your average standards."  
Valin frowned.  
"What are you saying, Master? You think Jedi should actually start dancing before lightsaber practice?"  
I couldn't help myself from emitting a snort of laughter.  
Master Katarn continued to look thoughtful, though, ignoring me completely.  
"No… It wouldn't be of any use in a real life battle scenario, but… I think it would be helpful as a warm-up strategy for a few of my more...reticent students. It would help them centre their awareness of the Force, I believe, as well as loosen them up nicely. Valin, I will want to talk to you later about this, if you don't mind."  
"Any time, Master."

We looked at each other after Master Katarn had left.  
"Wow, Master Katarn seemed to be quite lenient today. If any other Master had caught us dancing inside the Temple, we'd've been toast!"  
"Dancing Jedi. Wait'll my dad hears about this!"  
"Ha! Your promotion to Jedi Dancemaster came a little early didn't it?! Maybe now Booster'll call you to perform on the _Errant Venture_, but you'll have to dance for him for free!"

_It was nearing the end of her shift at the Hot Streak Casino on the __**Errant Venture**__ after another long night and Myri Antilles was tired. A rather acrimonious game had just ended and she'd had to use the best of her skills to avoid an ugly altercation and send the tipsy gamblers back to their suites. A discreet call to security had helped, but the experience had left her nerves on edge. She rubbed her eyes, allowing her professional dealer's expression to slip for a moment. Anyone who knew Myri would have been surprised to see the look her face wore at the moment. It was drawn and over-stressed, like she'd had too many sleepless nights, like there was something on her mind that she couldn't get rid of. Her eyes involuntarily slipped towards the bar at the other end of the floor. She could make out the tall, dashing figure in the bartender's waistcoat, darting from customer to customer, juggling glasses and bottles and decanters, expertly mixing drinks, cracking jokes, and flirting with the pretty females who flocked to his bar more than any other. Myri felt the ends of her lips turn downwards in a scowl. Her boyfriend. No. __**Ex**__-boyfriend since she'd caught him in bed with one of his regular customers a couple of nights ago. Kriffing bastard! To think she'd actually expected him to be exclusive for her. She should have known better, she figured. Guys like Rex were just too good-looking and full of themselves to harbour any expectations of. Her mistake. Entirely._

I was nervous to say the least. Booster was grinning like a Besalisk as he announced my entrance over the P.A. system. I only had his word that he would personally take responsibility to prevent all holo-recording and reporting of this event. If my dad ever saw my little act splashed on the HoloNet, not only would he promptly disown me there and then, but I'd never be able to get Jaina's laughter out of my head. I breathed deeply and centred myself in the Force. I didn't know whether I was really sweating, or whether it was just my imagination, but I hoped the face-paint I had applied so painstakingly wouldn't run. It was a surprise event and I was staking a lot on this. I had to get her attention. And the only way to do that was by doing something crazy. Really, scarily crazy.

The moment the music started, though, my fears were lost. In performance, you can get away with anything. Or so I hoped. From the start I had had my sights set on one person. I was doing this for her. I was going to make sure she sat up and took notice.

_Myri 's acidic reverie was interrupted only by the booming voice of her Captain, Booster Terrik's voice coming from the P.A. system in the Hot Streak Casino. This caused her to frown. Booster would never use the P.A. system except in an emergency. And surely it wasn't his job to announce the attractions! And this was the casino, not the nightclub! Since when were dance performances taking place here?! She felt curiously disoriented as she, alongwith everyone else who had moved forward, turned their attention to the head of the floors where a lithe, slim figure was entering through the double doors. His face was in shadow, she couldn't really tell at this distance who it was, except that his hair caught her eye. It was…Red! The music started and the figure lifted his face. Piercing blue eyes, shadowed in black, looked directly into hers and Myri's heart seemed to jump into her throat._

_She hadn't been able to get those eyes out of her head for all these months now. Months since she'd returned from attending her cousin's wedding to Jaina Solo. The way they had thirsted for her when they had danced on the __**Dragon Queen**__. The way they had flashed in hurt and anger at the end of their last conversation. The way they'd darkened when he'd apologized, trying to shield the emotions that had lain beyond…_  
_Myri couldn't see Rex, even when she looked back, thanks to the crowd that had built up behind her table. But those blue eyes, Skywalker blue eyes, were unerringly locked on hers.. There was the light of purpose in them. Kriff it! Why didn't he stop trying? She couldn't hook up with him! Not with Ben Skywalker! _  
_But a little bit of her wanted it. Something in her gut responded to those eyes of his. The eyes which had chosen her as his target. She hoped he wasn't trying to control her mind through the Force or something…He wouldn't! _  
_He darted close to her, his fingers brushing her waist, his eyes lingering that close to hers again, for just a brief second, and her breath caught. Was she getting that desperate? There was something about his touch, about the way he moved, about the memory of his body as she'd seen it flexing on that bar-counter in response to her dare two years ago that incited a burning sensation in the pit of her stomach that she had to take almost physical effort to suppress. His steps were sure and his movements graceful. He couldn't put a foot wrong. He really was a talented dancer, she thought. The sight of his muscles, taut under the ridiculous unitard he was wearing made her burn again, and this time he was flush against her, his arm pulling her close, his eyes boring into hers with a disturbingly dark intensity, his lips just centimeters from hers…_  
_The music stopped. He dropped his gaze and moved away. She remained where she was, paralyzed. The audience all around her was clapping, cheering. He was bowing to all sides. She'd been sure he was going to kiss her then. And this time she wouldn't have protested, wouldn't have stopped him. She had planned to let herself be carried by the moment this time. But he hadn't. The burning sensation turned into a sickening one and she clenched her fists, feeling unreasonably angry._

Three. Two. One.  
"Ben!"  
I didn't slow, stop or turn around.  
"Wait!"  
Still nothing.  
"Hey! I'm talking to you!"  
I stopped abruptly and turned. She nearly collided with me.  
"Hi", I said.  
Now that she was face to face with me, I realized she didn't know what she wanted to say. I was relishing this. I had her at a disadvantage. But I would have to play this carefully.  
"What was all that about?" she demanded, finally finding her voice.  
"What?"  
"What you just did. At the casino."  
"Well, you remember Booster said I had to give a performance if I wanted to gamble on his ship."  
Myri frowned.  
"But you didn't play anything."  
"Oh yes I did."  
I left her trying to figure it out, before she could ask me anything more.

"And you're sure this is going to work?"  
My uncle and partner-in-crime, Han Solo, grinned at me from the entrance to the _Millennium Falcon's_ cockpit.  
"Trust me, kid, you got her where you want her."  
I glared at him darkly.  
He continued to grin, unabashed.  
I chewed my lip and looked across the hangar bay. We would be leaving the_ Errant Venture_ within the hour. I had studiously avoided Myri, even though she'd tried to comm me. I was following my uncle's advice to the letter at the risk of making the object of my affections furious with me for life. Suddenly, I saw her walking across to a shuttle parked opposite our freighter. I ducked back behind the hatch, but continued to watch. Iella Antilles emerged from the shuttle, followed by her husband, Wedge. They hugged their daughter. I couldn't hear their conversation and was able to catch only glimpses of Myri, my view being blocked by both the shuttle as well as the elder Antilles.  
Uncle Han was completely engrossed in running the pre-flight systems check on the_ Falcon_, so I took my chance and scooted down the ramp. I walked across boldly to the Antilles' shuttle. Uncle Wedge saw me approach and smiled.  
"Myri," I called. She hadn't seen me yet. Her back had been turned toward the _Falcon_.  
She turned around, seeming pleasantly surprised at hearing my voice.  
"Ben! Hi!"  
I stopped a few steps away from the family.  
"Hey, I was wondering if you'd maybe let me take you out sometime? You know, for dinner?"  
There was a sparkle in her eyes as she smiled warmly. My heart was thumping loudly.  
"I'd like that, Ben."  
"Great. So… I'll comm you. It's a date."  
"Yeah…" She looked towards her family. "I'll probably be on Corellia though."  
I was surprised, but I nodded.  
"Okay. Cool. No problem. I'll see you around, then."  
"Yeah. I'll see you, Ben."  
I waved at Aunt Iella and Uncle Wedge, though only one of them was still smiling anymore.


	7. Chapter 6

That date took some time to materialize. Jedi business took precedence, as always. I had no excuses left, since Dad had decided I was ready to become a full-fledged Jedi Knight. I didn't end up anywhere near Corellia for a while. I had been surprised when Myri had said she would be on Corellia. I couldn't have imagined her leaving Booster and the _Venture_, but I guessed her family's insistence had finally prevailed upon her. Gavin Darklighter confirmed my suspicions, when I risked asking him a bit obliquely.  
"I guess Uncle Wedge is the only Rogue still missing from Coruscant huh?"  
"Hm. Yes, I suppose so. He figures retired life with his family suits him better. Wes and Hobbie are restless enough, though. I don't believe they can stay put in one place for even a couple of months at a time."  
"Yeah, Uncle Wes gets bored too easily!"  
"Yes, he's even worse than _you_ in that regard," he added, giving me a sly look.  
I grinned unashamedly.

It was only after two back-to-back Jedi missions that I got to take some well-deserved time-off. Dad walked in on me packing.  
"Where are you going? _Again_?"  
"Out."  
"Where, Ben."  
"Coronet City."  
"You just got back two days ago from Adumar! You were specifically told to take some down-time!"  
"I know, Dad. This trip is… personal."  
It took him all of five seconds to figure out who could possibly be on Corellia for whom I'd leave house and home after more than 3 months away. He smirked.  
"So definitely Myri, huh?"  
I shot him a pained look.  
"Dad, do I ask you about_ your_ dates?"  
His eyebrows shot up.  
_"What dates_?! The last time I went on a date, you were ten years old and your cousin Jaina let you fly the speeder on your own and my date a.k.a _your mother_, swore we'd run out of responsible baby-sitters!"  
I still managed to look pained.  
"Dad, I was eleven. And a half."  
He actually rolled his eyes.  
"Fine. Go. See if I care."  
I grinned and grabbed his shoulders.  
"So can I trust you not to comm me at the most inconvenient moments?"  
"You think?"  
I sighed and let him go.  
"Please Dad? I really need you not to mess this up."  
"_Me_?! Mess up _your_ dates?! What kind of a father do you think I am?! I have full faith that you'll mess it up amply yourself!"  
"I hate it when your training with the Rogues shows."

* * *

I did the done thing. Showed up at her door at my charming best _with_ flowers. Myri arched her eyebrows.  
"Flowers? For me? Really,_ that's_ your move?"  
I regarded her calmly.  
"The flowers aren't for you…"  
I moved past her smoothly towards her mother, sitting on the couch, and presented them to her with a courtly little bow.  
"They're for my lovely Aunt Iella."  
I saw the stunned surprise in her eyes for a second before she affectionately reached up and yanked my ear.  
"Trying to be a little too smooth with your date's mom, aren't you, little Ben?"  
I silently mock-screamed in pain.  
Myri was almost rolling her eyes.  
"Suck-up!"  
I released myself from Aunt Iella's grip and approached her, extending my elbow.  
"You get to have_ me_!"  
This time she did roll her eyes, but accepted the proferred arm gladly. I grinned over my shoulder.  
"Don't worry, Aunt Iella, I'll have her back before her bed-time. Tell Uncle Wedge I said hi."  
"Get lost you two!" she said, still smiling at the flowers.  
Getting her mom on my side, tick.

I had had my fingers crossed about the restaurant. After all, it had been my Uncle Han's reference (apparently the nerf steaks here were astral!). I had been lax about my first date homework and hadn't tried out the restaurant beforehand. But it turned out to be perfect. Small and cosy, without being cramped, with subtle decor and soft lighting. Very intimate and romantic. I was sure Aunt Leia must have found the place and Uncle Han had stayed for the steaks! Myri poked me in the ribs.  
"Classy place, Ben. I'm impressed. Didn't think your uncle would know a lot of places like this one. I was half-afraid you were going to take me to a tapcaf!"  
She sighed when she saw my shocked expression.  
"I don't have to use my Intel skills to know that you're too much of a Coruscanti to know about restaurants on Coronet, and who would you go to for advice?"  
She tapped the side of her head.  
"2+2, Ben. I'm smarter than you think!"  
Well, I had no response to that. So I simply drew out her chair gallantly and contemplated my next move.

We talked, we laughed. She told me how her family had finally prevailed upon her to quit her dealer's job on the_ Errant Venture_ and come back to Corellia. She was now an intelligence operative for CorSec, much like her mother had once been, but admitted she did miss the snazz of the life she had led on the luxury Destroyer. I, in turn, told her how I was settling down into life as a full-fledged Jedi Knight, constantly called abroad for missions. Perhaps I imagined it, but I thought I saw her eyes darken and her smile diminish just a little as I carried on about life as a Jedi.  
The food arrived and Uncle Han was vindicated. The nerf steaks were truly delicious. The Alderaanian wine was rich and only helped us bond. I relaxed. The night reminded me of that easy dinner we'd had together years ago on board the_ Venture_. Dessert was chocolatey and gooey, a personal favourite. She giggled at the sight of half my teeth stained in brown, and reached over to wipe a spot off my chin.  
And that's where it all fell to pieces.

My hand closed upon hers as she dabbed my chin with her napkin. It was another of those electric moments, me gazing deep into her pale blue eyes, so different from mine, wanting her, and she looking startled at the intensity of mine, our lips mere inches apart... Not a word was spoken, but neither of us was left in doubt as to what that moment had meant. She sat back down in her chair, heavily, refusing to meet my eyes. My heart was thumping. This was it, the make-or-break moment of this date. I reached out cautiously to place my hand upon hers. She didn't try to stop me, but she didn't respond either.  
"Myri…" I began softly.  
She interrupted me.  
"I can't, Ben! I'm sorry, I-I can't!"  
Her own anguish was as evident on her features as I was sure my shock was on mine.  
"You can't what, Myri?"  
"I can't do_ this_, Ben! Us. I'm sorry."  
She tried to grab my hand, which was suddenly feeling cold and numb.  
I couldn't feel my heart anymore.  
"Boyfriend?" I managed to choke out, my throat had gone almost completely dry.  
She shook her head.  
"No. Not for a while now, in fact."  
I continued to gape at her.  
She sighed.  
"Ben, I know- have known for quite a while now that you have pretty strong feelings for me…But I don't think this could work out between us. I've told you before. I'm 26. You're 18. We've got 8 years between us! You're too young for me, Ben. Look, I'm at a stage in my life where I don't want just another casual round of flirting and dating and sex. I'm looking for a relationship which would_ mean_ something, which is going to _go_ somewhere. I'm done dating for the heck of it."  
Every word of hers hit home like a poison dart. I was willing to give her all those things if she'd only give me a chance. Couldn't she _see_ that?!  
"I've had my share of immature men, Ben. Please don't consider this a reflection on you, but I'm done with that, I really am. I'm flattered by your interest in me. I honestly don't know what I've done to deserve it, but being the elder one here, I feel it's my responsibility to warn you that even though you might not think it to be a problem now, this age factor is going to come back and bite us when we least expect it. I owe it to you to tell you this now, Ben. I don't want you making promises you might not be able to keep. You're a good guy, Ben. I know in my heart you are. One of the best. And you're going to be a great Jedi. But this, what you're imagining for us, it's not going to work, Ben. It _can't_."  
It was a macabre feeling. I felt like laughing even though I could feel my heart breaking inside.  
"You've really made up your mind about this, haven't you?" I asked.  
Myri looked at me sadly, willing me to understand, but I couldn't.  
"You've condemned me, Myri? Without even giving me a trial? Is that fair?"  
"Ben-"  
I leaned forward, holding her gaze even though she tried to avert it.  
"I may be 18. That's a fact I can't deny. But you really think me all that immature? After all that I've been through? "  
"I know, Ben," her voice was genuinely sympathetic. "I know all the shit you've been through-"  
I gritted my teeth and tried to keep my voice level. My brain was over-heating with anger.  
"No you don't! You could never understand! Please don't insult me with your false pity."  
I could see the hurt my words caused her, but I didn't care. I was fighting to keep a lid on the towering rage building up inside me. I stood up abruptly, wanting to get away before I exploded.  
"Come, we're leaving. I'll drop you home."  
"But-"  
I tossed down a credit chip of considerable denomination, more than enough to cover the cost of the establishment's hospitality.  
"Let's go."  
I waved for a waiter droid who darted over immediately.  
"Keep the change", I muttered and swept out, not even looking back to see if Myri was following me.

I drove furiously and in complete silence. Myri tried breaking the ice a number of times, but I never let her. Finally she gave up and lapsed into brooding herself. I pulled up before the Antilles' apartment, but didn't bother getting out or even saying goodbye. She opened her side of the speeder, tried to say something, then thought better of it and climbed out.  
"Tell me something." My voice was icy and bitter to my own ears.  
"That night on the _Venture_, after the dance, you wanted to kiss me, didn't you?"  
She hesitated.  
"Yes", she softly admitted.  
"Why was that?"  
She bent down to the window even though I kept my gaze fixed stolidly on the view in front of me.  
"It was rebound, Ben. I wanted to get back at my lying, cheating, scum of an ex-boyfriend, Rex."  
I had to grit my teeth again to keep the tears that sprang to my eyes at bay, atleast until she was out of sight. Then I revved the throttle and pulled away at full speed, driving purely under the guidance of the Force, my vision blurring fast.

* * *

_Han Solo and his new son-in-law Jagged Fel were up late, indulging in their newly created tradition of bonding over old war stories and a nightcap of the former's secret stash of the finest Whyren's Reserve once their ladies had retired to bed. In these unfamiliar days of peace, it was the one adventure the two felt they could allow themselves. Neither being Force-sensitive, the sudden hard and repetitive sounding of the door alarm had them jumping and instinctively reaching for their blasters. _  
_Han cautiously approached the door, activated the security cam then letting out an exasperated sigh dropped his blaster arm and punched the activation pad so that the entrance whooshed open. Jag, ever the more cautious one, still had his blaster trained on the doorway till he too caught a sight of who their unexpected visitor was._  
_Ben Skywalker looked terrible._

"What's the cure for being the biggest kriffing_ idiot_ the galaxy has ever seen?"  
Uncle Han exchanged a glance with Jag, then wordlessly filled half of a third glass with Corellian whisky and held it out to me.  
I snatched it from his hands and downed it in one shot. Then I held it back out to him, indicating I wanted a refill. The two men regarded me worriedly from the couch.

After dropping Myri home, I had driven the rented speeder straight back to Coronet spaceport and taken off immediately in the _Jade Shadow_, which I had had to beg my father to borrow. Still in that towering temper, filled with pain and humiliation, I had pushed my mother's beloved ship to its limits and probably broken all hyperspace speed limits, reaching Coruscant in record time. Berthing the stressed ship in our family hangar, I had debated whether or not to return home or to my room at the Temple. Then, on an impulse, I had turned towards my aunt and uncle's apartment instead.

_"Hey! Easy there, kiddo. You're no Corellian, remember."_  
_Ben was pacing the living room like a caged rancor, having downed four shots already. Han hadn't seen him in so much anger and pain since Mara's death. He realized it probably had something to do with his proposed date with Myri Antilles on Corellia, but even though he wracked his brain, he couldn't think what could have upset him this badly. Jag, too, was shocked. Han motioned for him to leave them alone and he understood immediately. He excused himself discreetly, even though Ben hardly noticed._  
_"So..."_  
_"What is __**wrong**__ with me, Uncle Han?"_  
_Han had only tried to break the pregnant silence between them. He was taken aback not only by Ben's sudden question but also the extreme anguish in his eyes. _  
_"Wrong, Ben?"_  
_"Yes. Wrong. Everything I've ever attempted on my own has turned out wrong. Wrong, wrong, all wrong!"_  
_The young man collapsed on the couch, pulling at his hair in frustration._  
_Han sighed._  
_"Ok. Here's what I've got so far. Your date with Myri didn't go so well. You got anything more I could work with?"_  
_"I want to break something, Uncle Han."_  
_"Ok. So you got angry with her. You wanna tell me how come? Did she say something? Did __**you**__ say something? Did she stand you up? You got to give me something here, kid."_  
_Ben's voice came through muffled by his fingers._  
_"That's it. I'm just some kid. To her I'm just a kid, in over his head, messing with something he doesn't understand. She talks, and I feel like I'm a bug, buzzing in her ear. A teeny, tiny, stupid little bug that deserves to be swatted down for even __**trying**__ to get her attention. After everything. After__** everything**__, Uncle Han!"_  
_He swallowed in a dry throat and uttered a mirthless laugh._  
_"I wasn't too young to lose my mother when I did, or be betrayed and tortured by the man I loved as my brother. I wasn't too young to join the secret police and assassinate heads of state. I was never too young to see the world around me torn to pieces, to see friends die in front of my eyes, to have-to have their blood on my hands. But I'm too young for this. I'm too young to be given a chance to tell a woman that I love her."_  
_"Whoa! Hold the phone! You__** love**__ her?! Ben, are you __**sure**__?"_  
_His nephew looked at him steadily with those same pain-filled eyes._  
_"I've done a lot of things I'm not proud of that I'm sure you know all about. I've slept with enough women, from here to Tatooine, to know this much, Uncle Han. She's not some chick I want to get into the pants of. In fact, I don't care if I get into her pants at all! Here's the problem, Uncle Han. I'm crazy about her. She's the One."_

I wanted to rant, to scream in pain, to throw and break something, preferably fragile, preferably expensive. I wanted to hit somebody till I drew blood. Instead I had to settle for crying my anger and self-loathing out against my uncle's shoulder like I used to when I was little. I felt ashamed almost immediately for acting exactly like the petulant teenager I was trying to deny, and couldn't look him in the eyes again. He understood. He somehow always had. He drove me home.  
"It's ok, kid," he said, neither of us making a move to get out of the speeder. I maintained my position of brooding silence.  
"It's ok to get your heart broken. This wasn't your first time, and take it from me, it's not going to be your last. Girls, heh! You got to give it to 'em! They know how to give a fella a hard time! And you're a Skywalker to boot! You're luck's bound to be even worse than the rest of us scoundrels!"  
He leaned over and wrapped a fatherly arm around my shoulders. I think he realized he wasn't making me feel any better.  
"Hey."  
When I looked over, I could see the crinkled concern in his deep brown eyes.  
"Hang in there, buddy. It's gonna be all right. If it's meant to be, it'll be. Sooner or later, but it'll be. And if it's not..." He shrugged.  
"Then you'll have to take it that you were wrong about her. You've got to let her take her own call too, ya know. This is love. Not your Force-hokum. Jedi or not, you've got to wait for it to come to you."  
My shoulders sagged in defeat. I had to take his word for this one. He was right, of course. I would have to wait till Myri reached the same conclusion I had, or I would have to let go. I wouldn't be able to fight it forever. But that realization didn't stop my gut from twisting just a little bit more.

_It was 5 in the morning. Luke staggered across the hall to open the door, bleary-eyed. He sensed Han on the other side and swore filthily but silently in Huttese, but when he palmed the access pad, his son stormed in and almost raced to his own room._  
_"Ben?"_  
_"I don't want to talk about it, Dad," he replied in clipped tones._  
_Luke didn't bother to pursue it, looking at his brother-in-law instead. He was still gazing after his son with a worried expression._  
_"I'm sure you know what's going on better than I do, Han," he stated, yawning hugely._  
_"Why don't you come in and tell me all about it? I'll make the caf."_  
_Han entered the apartment, slowly, still not looking directly at Luke._  
_"Take care of the kid, Luke," he said, in a softer tone than was his wont. It made Luke wake up a bit more and frown in concern._  
_"He's hurtin' pretty bad."_  
_"What happened? Isn't he supposed to be on Corellia with Myri?"_  
_"Looks like she let him down. Hard."_  
_Luke grimaced._  
_"Ouch."_  
_"Turns out she's the only one who still considers him a 'kid' after the last 5 years."_  
_Luke's frown too turned his head to gaze in concern towards his son's room. He handed Han a cup of caf and sat down on the couch with his own._  
_"But here's the real problem, kid claims he's in love with her."_  
_Luke's eyebrows shot up._  
_"In__** love**__?!"_  
_"That's what he told me."_  
_"Wow. Ok. This is a bit too much for me to process this early in the morning. But let me have a talk with him about this first."_  
_Han nodded and rose to leave._  
_"Yeah, I figured that'd be best...you're his dad after all."_  
_"Han..."_  
_"Yeah, I know," he waved deprecatingly, "I'm just glad I'm getting a chance to do this at all."_

I hate facing my father after a failure. Every time I have to, I feel more distant. Especially since Jacen. There had been a time when I had fought tooth and nail to defend my mentor against my father's criticism. Criticism that had only borne itself out in the painful and bloodstained annals of history. But after his spectacular betrayal, I couldn't face him anymore. My mistake had cost lives. I had failed him so many times, on so many levels. Everything changed for me. I changed, changed the way I looked at things. But I couldn't change who I was. Ben Skywalker, son of Luke and Mara Jade Skywalker. Am I a worthy heir to them? Will I ever make as great a Grand Master of the Jedi Order as my father? Everyone's told me, throughout my life, that I am free to live my own life. Dynastic concerns shouldn't affect the choices I make. Even Mom came from beyond the Force to tell me that only the way I led my life would matter, and I shouldn't be unduly worried about what legacy I might leave behind. Dad too has always tried his best that I not be burdened by my Skywalker heritage. But at some level, I feel that would not be doing justice to my family. Nobody's born a Skywalker without reason. In my own opinion, I am much too fallible to be destined for greatness, and my destiny continues to worry me.  
It's nothing personal. Dad and I have a great relationship. It's just he's not the one I go to to discuss my problems with.

_Luke knocked tentatively on his son's bedroom door and just as tentatively peeped in. Ben was standing in front of his window, in meditative stance, with his eyes closed. He didn't appear to notice his father at his door. Luke smiled a little humourlessly. He knew very well how much trouble Ben had focussing and meditating when he was emotionally troubled. Right now, he didn't have to stretch his Force-awareness much to sense the pain in his boy. _  
_He walked over and quietly sat on the bed._  
_"Ben," he called softly._  
_His son did not respond._  
_"Ben," he called, a little louder this time._  
_Finally, he turned, still not being able to lift his eyes up to meet his father's. Slowly he moved over to sit beside Luke._  
_"I'm sorry," he mumbled indistinctly._  
_"Sorry for what, son?"_  
_"I'm only suffering for my colossal stupidity."_  
_"And what would that be?"_  
_Ben looked up in reproach._  
_"I'd rather not talk about it, Dad. And besides, I know Uncle Han told you."  
_  
_They sat in silence for a while, Luke not wanting to pry, but desperately wanting to reach out and comfort his son. He had never grudged Han the natural relationship he had formed with Ben. But every so often, he couldn't deny the twinge of jealousy he would feel to see the way Ben so easily unburdened himself, his secrets, his fears, even his failures, to his uncle. It had been the same way between him and Mara, and after her death, Han had seemed to become the best alternative instead of Luke. It was ironic, the relationship between boys and their uncles. Han had always felt excluded from the Jedi part of his sons' lives, not being Force-sensitive himself, and in a certain way, Jacen and Anakin had had a definite affinity towards their uncle. Atleast Jaina had been able to bond with Han over their mutual love of ships, but the distance between Han and his boys had only grown as they had grown up and had become more than apparent especially after Chewie's death and the events of the Vong war. _  
_And things had never had a chance to get better after that. First Anakin's death, then Jacen's captivity, his five years away and then his transformation into Leia's greatest fear and Han's biggest disappointment... his sons had died without Han getting a second chance to mend the fences._  
_Thus, despite Luke's occasional pangs of jealousy, he had only encouraged Ben's relationship with his uncle. It had helped Han heal. Luke had steadily come to realize the fact that Ben preferred to be open with someone who couldn't read his emotions before he was ready to divulge them. In the process, learning a little restraint with his son had only helped mend their relation, and for that much, Luke was grateful.  
_  
_Ben finally exhaled in a mighty sigh._  
_"It's silly, I know, getting so cut up over a girl. Uncle Han was right. I should respect her choice. I wish I could stop feeling this way. It just hurts so bad."_  
_Luke looked over at him with sympathy._  
_"It's not silly, Ben. Love isn't silly. It may just be the most important thing alongside the Force."_  
_He shook his head._  
_"Maybe she was right. I guess I'm no better than an immature teenager. I don't even seem to have any control over my feelings."_  
_He looked so miserable and conflicted, Luke's heart wrenched within him. At that moment, he felt so fiercely protective of him, like Mara often had._  
_"You have a right to be 18, Ben, and experience all that goes along with it. Don't forget the here and now in the light of your ambitions. You'll never get back lost time, however much you may want to later. Your mother and I always regretted seeing you have to lose out on your childhood thanks to Jacen and his war. Please, Ben, don't give up what little you have left."_  
_"It doesn't seem to help, though. If I had been a little older, maybe Myri would have looked at me...differently."_  
_Luke felt a surge of irrational anger towards the girl causing his son such heartache._  
_"Look, Ben, Myri needs to sort out her issues herself. You need to give her time and space to do that. If she has to, she'll come to you. You've had your say, now all you can do is wait. Son, you need- no, you deserve to find a woman who will love you for exactly who you are, no matter how old you may look or act."_  
_Ben turned to his father with a weak half-grin._  
_"I did, you know. Her name was Mom. But then I lost her too."_  
_"Oh, Ben..."_  
_"I know, I'm sorry, Dad. Guess I should just go the way of the Old Republic Jedi and give up on this whole 'attachment' thing all together."_

__**A/N: Aaaand the drama begins. Thanks for reading and pls leave a review to let me know how you liked this story!**


	8. Chapter 7

**A/N: A philosophical interlude. But no fears, I'm posting two chapters together. The story continues in the next one, but this one I feel is necessary to understand various people's motivations in this story. PLS NOTE: All views expressed are the author's own philosophical interpretations drawn from the ideology of Star Wars! You may or may not agree. Either is cool!**

_Obi-Wan. Hear me Master Kenobi. Obi-Wan. Please, I need your help._

I sat in quiet meditation in one of the smaller chambers in the Temple, immersing myself deep in the Force, reaching out and reaching back, extending a metaphorical hand to touch my namesake. I concentrated all my abilities on calling that one name, letting my pain bleed out a little, a plea into the vastness of the Force.  
A long time ago, he had categorically informed my father he would not be re-appearing before him any more as a Force-ghost. From then on, he had set him on his own, not the last of the old Jedi, but the first of the new. I desperately hoped he hadn't meant it to include me. I had never seen him except in holos, but Dad had told me that those had been long before he turned into "old Ben Kenobi", the "crazy hermit" of the Jundland Wastes and the man for whom I had been named. If only for that, I believed I deserved an audience with him. Atleast once.

_Master Obi-Wan._

_What?_

I sat up in shock, my eyes flying open in sudden surprise. I had felt him! He had responded! Obi-Wan Kenobi! My father's old mentor, my grandfather's Jedi Master... had spoken to _me_! I looked around, expecting to see the bluish image of a Force-ghost. But there was nothing.

_Master? Are you there?_

And then I felt it. A distinctive Force-presence, swirling around me, _enveloping_me.

_I am. _

_Wow. Ok. Ummm...hi, I guess._

I felt a touch of vague irritation.

_I don't have all eternity to chat, you know. Well, actually I do, but there are better uses of my time._

_I-I'm sorry. Let me try again. Greetings, Master Kenobi. Years ago you taught my grandfather, mentored my father in the Jedi ways. Now I come before you in an hour of need. I am horribly conflicted. Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope._

There was a moment of silence. Then,

_Very funny. So, Anakin's grandson is a wise-ass. Why am I not surprised._

_I'm also your namesake, you know._

_(Snort) Hardly. 'Ben' was my pseudonym in hiding. If you were my true namesake, you'd be called 'Obi-Wan Skywalker' ! Yech!_

_I agree. But I was named for you, to honour your memory._

_Your sense of humour hardly does me any credit, though. There was a time when the name 'Kenobi' was renowned for the sharpest tongue, the dryest wit-_

_Look where__** that**__ landed you. _

_Ok ok! What did you want from me anyway? I was busy..._

_Doing what?! Did you fall into a nest of Gundarks again? Or did Master Yoda ask you to help him reach for a jar of cookies?_

_*grrrrphlbbbtmph!* (muttered expletives)_

_Ok, fine. Master, I called on you for a very specific reason. I needed to discuss something very important with you._

_Like what?_

_Girls._

_GIRLS?!_

_Well, to be more serious, it's this whole issue of 'attachment' that's got me thinking. Master, I know you've kept an eye on the Jedi Order as Dad has reformed it, but was the old Order right? Are attachments detrimental to a Jedi's sense of duty? What do you think?_

I sensed him pause to think my question through. When he replied, he did so carefully.

_Well, Ben, your father was plagued by the same question when he established the new Order, you know. It would be difficult for either of us to be able to give a completely objective answer to your question. I naturally used to assume the old Order's diktat was right. But if you'll consider the case of your Grandfather, you might say his attachments were his undoing, that it was because he couldn't draw the line between them and his duty that he fell to the Dark Side of the Force. But then again, it was his love for your father, his attachment to his son, if you will, which helped restore the Balance._

_But what about Jacen? His attachments to Allana, to Tenel Ka, drove him crazy! What purpose did that serve? He didn't bring about any Balance to the Force._

_Ben, I wouldn't be so hasty in branding something as being completely without purpose. If there is something I have learnt from my own life as well as beyond it, it is that the will of the Force is truly an inexplicable thing. Perhaps even Jacen's fall had a purpose which will be revealed over time. _

_He said he'd had a vision in which there was a dark man sitting on a throne and he'd seen Allana standing beside him. So he turned to the Dark Side so that she wouldn't? It doesn't seem to make sense, Master._

_He thought out his course of action as a father, Ben, not as a Jedi. Think about yourself. When you tried to attack Jacen in vengeance for your mother's death, you touched the Dark Side, did you not? Were you thinking as a Jedi at the time, or as a bereaved son? It took your father to do the thinking for you, didn't it?_

I hung my head in shame at the memory. With a faint sigh, Obi-Wan continued.

_I do not blame you for your reaction. I did the same myself once, when I avenged my Master's death at the hands of a Sith. The man had been like a father to me, his death left me crazed. Anakin, too…He did what he did for love of your grandmother, Padme. Yes, love can lead to the Dark Side. Master Yoda had always taught that there were two forms of love, that of personal attachment, and that of universal compassion. He believed the latter to be the love a Jedi should nurture, and the former as what a Jedi should forgo. Your father and even your grandfather differed with him on this._

_Dad considers love as almost equal to the Force._

_Your father has witnessed the miracles that love can bring about, Ben. First with your grandfather turning back to the Light, then, I believe, with your mother also turning to accept the Jedi ways and then with you, too, Ben._

_Me?_

_Yes, the way you were able to cure your mother's dreadful disease when you were born, when it had seemed that all hope was lost for her._

I couldn't say anything. I think he understood.

_Your father has his reasons for allowing personal attachment in the Jedi Order._

_Do you agree with him?_

_I…didn't, at first. But events have taught me otherwise. _

_But what if someone, a Jedi, believes in foregoing attachment? Would that be wrong now?_

_Well, if it is that Jedi's personal belief which he does not seek to impose on others against their will, then no, I don't think there would be anything wrong with it…But I think that Jedi would be closing himself from much happiness._

I looked up sharply. His last statement seemed to have been very pointedly made.

_But what do you do when your feelings get in the way of your duties?_

_Ah. That is where a Jedi must learn control, Ben. In such a position, it is always a matter of choice. And that choice is never easy. A Jedi has a very clear sense of his priorities, and his first is and must always be his allegiance to the Force and the Jedi Order, irrespective of his attachments._

Obi-Wan paused.

_I believe you saw an example of it in- what's her name? The girl you were recently with?_

I swallowed a lump in my throat.

_Myri?_

_No no! That Sith girl, with the face-paint._

_Vestara?_

_That's right._

I frowned in confusion.

_But Ves wasn't Jedi. I mean, yeah, at one point she was trying to be…_

_What were her priorities? What was the one objective for which she kept fighting? For which she was ready to sacrifice everything?_

_But she was faithless! She kept betraying us! She would do something to win our trust back, and the next moment, use it against us!_

_I'm not defending what she did. I'm just asking you to observe the point of her focus. Her primary allegiance always lay with the Sith. Everything that she did was to perpetuate that allegiance. _

I was still frowning.

_But-_

_But commitment is one thing, obsession another. It was obsession, not his commitment to duty that drove Jacen to the Dark Side. When duty becomes absolute and overarching, and you can't differentiate it from what is right, what is required to keep you on the Light Side, that's when it becomes dangerous. This is the line your father has always stressed that one must draw. No one deals in absolutes, not even Sith. But the Sith do deal in obsession. _

My voice dropped.

_How do you control your own feelings then, Master? How can you keep them from hurting you?_

Obi-Wan's voice was as light as a zephyr.

_Love hurts, Ben. You know that, don't you?There can be no love without a certain measure of pain. But a Jedi does not succumb. A Jedi must be strong and rise above personal pain if it conflicts with his allegiance to the Force. You have to constantly be aware of the moment, Ben, and where it leads you. The Force will be with you. Always. It asks only one thing of you. Faith._

_Obi-Wan? Master?_

He was gone.


	9. Chapter 8

**A/N: Aaaand time for OC No. 1 to be introduced! Even if this chapter seems abrupt, this is the beginning of the rest of the whole story. All ends will be tied up, never fear! :D  
Enjoy and don't forget to review!**

****I hooked up with Gwen Celchu in the most ridiculously romantic of circumstances. I fixed her speeder.

It was an ordinary day. I was out in my prized red speeder for an ordinary chore: Picking Artoo up from his oil "bath" and lubricant "massage" after my Dad had taken him through Hell..._again_. I was whizzing through the skylanes when my Force perception picked up on a damsel in distress. A rather pretty damsel in distress. Artoo whooted and beeped frantically as I spun the speeder around in the opposite direction.  
"Relax Artoo. I'm only trying to help someone out here."  
_Whoot Beep!_  
"Geez would ya chill? The slipstream is not going to play havoc with your wet polish!"  
_Wheet Tweet!_  
"Yeah? Well, my Dad wouldn't approve of a lot of things I'm about to do right now."  
_Whoop wheeeeeee..._ (Tr.: _I have a bad feeling about this.._.)  
"Why does someone always have to _say_ that?!"

I pulled up smartly beside a frantically gesticulating Gwen Celchu and a traffic control OF droid.  
"...why do you refuse to understand what I've been _telling_ you for the last 15 minutes?!"  
"I'm sorry, ma'am, but I am not authorized-"  
"Can I be of any help? What seems to be the problem here... OF-16?"  
Gwen turned sharply. Man, but the girl knew how to dress!  
The droid fell silent, presumably running a scan on me, my transport and my droid.  
"Ben? Ben Skywalker?! What in blazes are you doing here?!"  
I smiled charmingly.  
"I could just _feel_ you thinking now what if a dashing young guy were to come by and help me out with this problem here, and I just happened to be the dashingest young guy in the neighbourhood today!"  
She raised one perfectly done blonde eyebrow about a quarter of an inch and pursed her lips _very_ attractively.  
"You're worse than your uncle, you know that?"  
I shrugged demurely.  
"Well, I _have_ been taught by the best..."  
We both grinned.  
I turned to the droid who had finished scanning and was now busy making officious looking entries into a datapad.  
"What's wrong,'16?"  
"The lady's speeder is parked in the wrong section. I shall have to issue a fine and she must remove the vehicle to the proper section or else it will be remanded into the custody of the city Council," the droid droned.  
Gwen gave a dramatic sigh.  
"I have already told him a couple of thousand times that my speeder hasn't been _parked_ here, it just broke down! I couldn't move it even if I wanted to! Not until assistance gets here."  
I turned to the droid with a frown.  
"You heard the lady. The speeder's broken down. Have you alerted Emergency Transport Services?"  
"I would beg to differ with the lady as to the malfunctioning of her vehicle," the droid countered in it's flat metallic drone.  
"I have had the vehicle scanned several times and there does not seem to be any component malfunctioning. It is perfectly operable. I would advise her to comply with city regulations or she will have to face the consequences."  
I pre-empted Gwen by planting myself in between her and the droid.  
"Oh, I'll have to face the consequences, will I?! Why you malfunctioning little rust-bucket, you-"  
"Hey hey, hold on there, Celchu! Droids don't take offence at abuse. Take it from me. That's why I have such a hard time with the old egg-head here."  
Artoo beeped shrilly and furiously.  
"See? I told you. No problem. Look, Gwen, why don't you let me take a look under the hood, huh? Then we'll see about these ummm... consequences, ok?"  
Gwen seethed, but gave me a quick nod to proceed.  
I walked over to her fairly expensive-looking speeder. It couldn't have been more than a few months old at the most. It was unlikely that it had broken down so soon. I smirked to myself thinking of Uncle Tycho being a pushover for his daughter.  
"Hey, Artoo? Could you give me a hand here?"  
Artoo trundled over, but not before flashing me with what seemed to be a dark look with his optical sensor.  
I rolled my eyes.  
"Aw c'mon, buddy, you know I love you. That's just the way I am. Nana scarred me for life, what can I do?"  
He kept beeping mutedly, but I knew he'd warmed back. Both Artoo and Threepio were too fond of me to stay mad at me for long.  
He used a magnetic jack to lift the speeder's hood, while I peered inside.  
"Just a little bit more, Artoo...Ok, perfect. Now, let's see..."

It was quickly settled. Her ignition wire had jerked loose. From the cursory once-over I was able to give her engine, Gwen was a pretty rough driver. I smirked to myself again.  
"Nothing to worry about," I told both the impatient bystanders.  
"Just a loose connection. That's why it didn't turn up in your damage scan, '16. Nothing was actually damaged in there, a wire had just popped out. All fixed."  
I smiled dazzlingly at Gwen and she returned it with more than just a sparkle in her eyes. My heart skipped a beat.  
The traffic droid put away it's datapad and spoke haughtily.  
"If the error has been rectified and the transport is able to function, please vacate this area. It is an open public thoroughfare."  
"Ok ok! We're going, '16!"  
I turned to Gwen, still sporting a half-smile.  
"So... I suppose this means you owe me lunch."  
Her smile widened.  
"Does it now?"  
"Well, it's the least you could do."  
"Oh, is it?"  
"Of course! Poor Artoo's polished finish is ruined thanks to this detour I just had to make to help you out."  
"You didn't _have_ to do anything, Jedi Skywalker. And in that case, shouldn't I be treating Artoo to lunch instead, since he's the one who... _suffered_?"  
"Well, if you insist, I'm sure he won't say no to a power charge at whichever restaurant you're taking me to."  
Gwen shook her head in defeat, but her smile never dimmed.  
"I don't know where you pick up your lines from, Ben Skywalker, but I have to admit, they work. Where do you want to go?"  
I shrugged immodestly.  
"Well, there's this little place I know..."

Artoo drove Gwen's speeder behind us to the restaurant as she rode beside me in mine. We talked, laughed, flirted way too obviously all through lunch and afterwards I drove her home.  
"So do I get to see you again?"  
"Do I take this to mean you want to?"  
"You honestly don't know where to stop with the lines, do you?"  
"You should come by and teach me."  
"How about I show you?"  
She pulled me forward by my collar and kissed me fiercely on the lips. I purposefully deepened it, cupping the back of her head in my hand. We parted after an inappropriately long time, both flushed and breathless.  
"I'll comm you," she said, her eyes glowing.  
I smiled in farewell. I knew she would.

I received an unmarked message from her barely two days later.  
"Any ideas?"  
Dad would be off-planet for a meeting over the weekend. I would have the place to myself. I wasted no time in inviting her over, then sat back to think.  
What was I doing? I'd known Gwen almost as long as I'd known Myri, except here was a girl, my age, who obviously liked me and wasn't afraid to show it. I was attracted to her too, so maybe this was a good thing? Besides, being with Gwen wasn't anywhere near as painful as being with Myri was. It definitely deserved a chance, I thought. _This_ might even lead somewhere. Maybe _this_ was what I needed to get me off Myri- an alternative. Naturally, I shoved the thoughts about what Uncle Tycho would do to me if I broke her heart, to the very back of my mind.

I cooked. I was secretly half-way decent at that. Besides, it worked every time. That was a tip I'd picked up from Uncle Lando. Later, as we lay naked, sweating and panting in bed, I felt a huge grin form on my face. Gwen turned around and traced a finger down a light scar on my chest.  
"Wow!" she said, "You have been taught well, _Master_ Skywalker!"  
I turned my head slightly so she could see my grin and she laughed.  
"Oh I'm still just a Knight. You just wait till I become a real Master! _Then_ see what I do to you!"  
She looked startled for a moment but then captured my lips in the sweetest kiss. I was surprised.  
"I had no idea this is how you felt about me, Ben," she said, her voice thick with emotion.  
I quickly recapped the conversation in my head and blanched at the implication of my words.  
_Did I just bind myself into something long-term?_  
Mentally, I kicked myself several times. This was like maybe our _second_ date! I had no business spewing things like that yet! But surprisingly, when I _really_ thought about it, it didn't feel as bad as I had thought it would.


	10. Chapter 9

**A/N: Uber drama. This chapter justifies the M rating! Keep tissues handy from here onwards. You might need them at regular intervals! Enjoy!**

To my credit, I dated Gwen for two years. The respective families were deliriously happy. Aunt Leia and Aunt Winter once even spoke of grandchildren_…to our faces_! I gagged, Gwen folded her arms and looked sceptical.  
"You _do_ realize he keeps traipsing off on one mission or the other every other month or so and I still have my advanced degree in Pan-Galactic Economics to work for?"  
"Well, we were only _saying_ , honey, you know how old women like to speculate, don't you?"  
Jaina came waddling to the rescue (now that she was about six months pregnant, with twins, wouldn't ya know it!), just as I looked about to faint.  
"Be careful what you wish for, Mom. I think these two are gonna keep you pretty busy for a while. "  
She rubbed her belly.  
"_Me_?! Why _me_?! _ You're_ the one becoming a mother!"  
"But you're going to be the doting grandmother, aren't you? You've always complained you never got the chance with Allana. And besides, I'll probably be too busy trying to get back in shape to fit into my flight-suit."  
Everybody, without exception, rolled their eyes.  
I waved a hand towards Gwen while talking to my sister.  
"Look at her. She's Alderaanian too. Why can't you dress like her sometimes?"  
"I'm only _half_-Alderaanian, baby bro, the other half's true blue Corellian. Just be glad I didn't pick out bloodstripe maternity pants!"  
I had to concede she had a point.

* * *

The day everything went to pieces all over again, it was raining on Nar Shaddaa. I had business there with a very old friend of the family's. I needed some information that I couldn't get elsewhere and I didn't want anyone to know that I was looking. I had approached the one person who could help and whom I had been taught to trust beyond question.  
"Uncle Talon", I smiled warmly as the door of his temporary office opened.  
"It's been entirely too long."  
Talon Karrde personally rose to greet me, beaming as I stepped forward. His mane of hair and his beard were iron grey now, but his body had lost none of its old vitality. I remember seeing him so crushed after Mom's death that I had been touched.  
"Ben. Everytime I see you you've grown a little more."  
He came up and clasped my shoulder.  
"You're a fine young man now. Mara would have been so proud…"  
His voice faltered and I dropped my gaze. He seemed to understand that I still felt the pain of her loss deeply. Too deeply. He patted my shoulder affectionately, in sympathy.  
"How's Luke these days?"  
I shrugged.  
"You know Dad. Age is catching up with him but he won't cut himself a break."  
He looked at me piercingly, no humour in his smile.  
"You young guns like to think you have the upper hand just because of age, do you?"  
I smiled placatingly, completely unfazed.  
"If I didn't value an elder's experience, I wouldn't be here right now, would I?"  
He turned to face me across his desk, folding his still muscular arms.  
"The galaxy still needs and _values_ your father, young Skywalker. You should remember that."  
"But I'm not the rest of the galaxy, Uncle Talon. I'm his son. And I'm inclined to worry about him," I replied evenly.  
Karrde's expression softened to the point of melting in an instant.  
"Just like your mother…"  
Suddenly his voice was choked. He looked at me apologetically.  
"I'm sorry. I'm being terribly insensitive. You don't need me to remind you of her every minute."  
I smiled at him uncertainly.  
"It's ok. I- think I can take it by now. It's…nice to be able to talk about her."  
I looked away in embarrassment.  
Karrde continued looking at me for a moment more and then turned abruptly straight to business.  
"I was able to get the datadisc you asked for."  
I nodded. I had never doubted him.  
"It was in transit, though. I had to ask an operative to intercept and make a copy."  
"Transit to where?"  
Karrde raised an eyebrow.  
"More information? That wasn't part of the deal."  
I cracked a smile.  
"Ok ok! No questions asked. Your game, your rules."  
His eyes glinted.  
"Which means you did your homework and know exactly where. I knew your mother far better than she would have liked. Which means I can read her son like a book."  
I spread my hands in surrender.  
"You got me. I'm just glad you're on our side!"  
He smirked.  
"You better be. I like to think my services are…_valued_!"  
"So where is it?"  
"Where is what?"  
I narrowed my eyes suspiciously.  
"There's a catch, isn't there?"  
He raised both his eyebrows in far too feigned an expression of indignation.  
"A catch?! Your mother appointed me your unofficial godfather! Why would I keep a catch for you?!"  
I wasn't convinced in the least.  
"Sentimentality does not become you, Karrde. Quit the act. Spill it."  
"It's a personal delivery. My operative is waiting for you up top with the disc."  
"On the roof?! This is Nar Shaddaa! Are you opening me up for a sniper attack?!"  
Karrde gestured outside.  
"Take a look. Perfect protection against snipers. Besides, I know you know I always have my locations shielded. Plus, you're a Jedi. What're you afraid of?"  
I didn't have a choice. In Karrde's territory, you _had_ to play by his rules. But that didn't stop me from retorting as I turned around.  
"When it's coming from you, Uncle Talon, I would do best to be afraid."

The rain was coming down in sheets on the bare roof as I stepped out of the staircase. It was a terribly dilapidated building with everything looking like it was on the brink of collapse. It was completely justified as being Talon Karrde's centre of operations on Nar Shaddaa. I was on full alert, my Force-sense stretched to it's maximum. But I couldn't sense any direct danger to myself. Uncle Talon had been right. A good sniper trusted his eyes above any targeting scope. I was safe from a sniper attack.  
I squinted to make out a hazy figure crouched on the parapet. I could tell it was a human female, but I couldn't make out any features through the rain constantly blurring my vision. She felt vaguely familiar. She looked up as I approached slowly, and I suddenly stumbled in my tracks, my eyes widening, my mouth falling open.  
"Heya there, Red."  
I felt a deep frown form on my brows as heat boiled in my heart.  
"Karrde!" I roared down the stairwell, "You set me up!"

_Myri Antilles walked across the ferrocrete through the rain, both apprehensive and exhilarated. She wanted to run to him, she wanted him to take her in his arms, she wanted to tell him she had been wrong, so wrong, and he had been right all along and how she'd suffered and been tormented by that thought these last two years. But she forced herself to be patient. She knew the tortured expression on Ben's face was fully justified. She slowed as she approached him and wordlessly handed over a small flat package. They both had to squint to see, the rain was being blown in gusts into their faces. Ben was swaying, still in shock to see her. She was glad seeing her still had this effect on him. She was going to have to count on it. _  
_She looked up into his stunned eyes, biting her lower lip ever so slightly, debating what to say, what move to make. On impulse, she reached up on her toes and kissed him lightly on the lips. Ben Skywalker looked like a live current had just gone through him._  
_He spluttered._  
_"Wha- Whoa! My-Myri! What the hell was that?! What are you doing here?! You're Karrde's operative?!"_  
_He was drowning in the sight of her, his heart banging against his ribs, his eyes popping, trying to internalize every little detail of her appearance. He could feel his knees going weak, wanting to give way. He'd been caught completely unawares! _  
_And the kiss!_  
_He'd felt his brain short-circuiting the moment her lips had brushed against his. But a dull internal roar kept at him. __**No! This is wrong! Remember Gwen! She's your girlfriend! She's the one you're in love with!**_  
_But not even the most passionate round of french-kissing with Gwen had ever electrified him like this brief brush with Myri. In his heart of hearts, the truth had come to haunt him again._

Swallowing and taking several deep breaths, I forced myself to be calm. Myri was still looking at me with those strange eyes, full of trepidation and uncertainty, waiting for me to speak, to say something.  
Finally, I did. The one question I'd always wanted to ask her.  
"Why?"  
Her eyes widened in apology. She almost wrung her hands.  
"Oh, Ben, I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! I-I was wrong, you were right! You've been right about me all these years! I was just too much of a fool to see it!"  
Breathing was coming easier now. I could feel my self-control returning. I folded my arms and stared down at her, pulling the mask over my eyes so they wouldn't betray the whirlwind within me.  
"But why, Myri? Why now?"  
I was in investigation mode again. Something didn't add up.  
Myri was looking at me pleadingly. Couldn't we atleast get out of the rain? I was adamant. She was the one who had brought me here. I would go nowhere until I had my answers.  
"I saw you," she mumbled at last, looking away, scuffing the toe of her boot in the puddles forming at our feet.  
"I was on Coruscant a couple of months ago, and I saw you at the Cosmopolis Mall... with her."  
I could feel my eyes widen involuntarily at this.  
_Jealousy?!_  
It was a bit too simple to believe.  
"So?" It sounded as incredulous as I felt.  
For the first time I saw real pain flash in Myri's eyes. She paused a minute before continuing.  
"You probably don't realize it, but I've had a rough couple of years too, Ben. I-I was never able to forget you, and-and the last time we met. I knew I had broken your heart, and I felt terrible about it. I tried to tell myself I had been right, that I had done the right thing and spared ourselves a lot of pain, but..."  
She shook her head.  
"I would see you in my dreams. Your eyes... the way you looked at me that day, the times we danced, they would haunt me, Ben! You were right. I...I'd had feelings for you...ever since-"  
She broke off and swallowed, looking everywhere but at me.  
"Ever since you took your shirt off on the bar."  
She looked straight into my eyes this time. I could see it was taking a lot of effort on her part. I myself had to work hard to keep my shields up and present an impassive front.  
"I want you. I need you, Ben." She took a step towards me. I took a step back.  
"I've been lying to myself for five years, refusing to believe what I knew to be true. I thought you were too young for me. But everyone I've been with since has only been a pale shadow of you. I wake up sweating in the night just thinking of you. Your memory torments me but I can't get you out of my head. I won't.  
"And seeing you with her that day only made it worse. You looked happy, you kissed her the way I've always wanted you to kiss me. I knew that day, if I held it back any longer, I would explode. I started tracking your movements then. I knew when you approached Karrde. He's been a friend of our family as well, so I called in a favour. He grilled me, believe me. I had a hard time convincing him I was serious about this- about you, this time. This is it."  
I felt light-headed, numb, and ever so slightly scared.  
She'd _stalked_ me? This was getting bizarre!  
I licked my lips, they had suddenly gone very dry.  
"Why should I believe you this time, Myri? How do I know this isn't just another one of your plays?"  
She regarded me sharply.  
"Because this time I'm the one standing in front of you, begging for a chance. I'm no longer in it for the game. I'm done with that. I've been done with that for a long time. Search your feelings, Jedi. You know this to be true. Better yet," she challenged me, stepping up so we were almost chest to chest, "Search mine."  
I raised my eyebrows.  
"What do you mean?"  
"You know, read my mind, see for yourself."  
"I wouldn't read your mind, Myri," I said gently.  
"Go on. I give you my permission. You'll see I'm telling the truth."  
I sighed.  
"No, Myri. You know my answer. I'm with someone else now, and I love her. You're too late."  
Her eyes flashed with a feral blaze.  
"You tell me something, Ben Skywalker." Her voice was husky and ominous.  
"Look into my eyes and tell me you've felt the same way for her, for even a second."  
"I would never have thought you to be so petty, Myri."  
"You haven't, have you?"  
"She loves me."  
She grinned like a nexu.  
"Oh, we all know what _that_ means!"  
"Myri, stop."  
"Are you or are you not glad to see me?"  
"I can't. I won't. This is wrong."  
"What is?" Her arm was snaking round my neck. I had backed up completely against the waist-high parapet. Behind me was a fall of several hundred stories.  
"This?"  
And she crushed her lips to mine and I felt myself drowning in her fire.

* * *

She'd seen us, Gwen and me, shopping for her graduation ceremony. I remembered it clearly. It had been our charming weekend out. I loved indulging Gwen, and she was a girl who could make full use of it. I think she'd tried on a half a hundred dresses before we'd raced back four shops to pick up the perfect number. We'd had a cozy lunch at a fancy outdoor cafe, and I'd brought her back home. Dad's age would tell the most when he would listen to her endless chatter with only a fond smile on his face. I would rib him about it to no end, later. He would only squeeze my shoulders, wearing that deceptively affectionate smile, and tell me to buck up and propose. That generally ended with me spilling caf violently down the front of my shirt. Once we'd put the old man to bed, Gwen and I had curled up in front of the Holonet, with glasses of Alderaanian wine and some insipid holodrama playing. She'd quickly become engrossed in it, while I'd just relaxed, inhaling the scent of her hair, letting my mind drift unbidden... onto the_ Errant Venture_, onto a certain level, to a certain bar at a certain casino and the glimpse of a certain sabacc dealer, hands working expertly, her eyes twinkling, keeping the players on edge...  
I'd jerked out of it with a guilty start. Gwen and I had made soft, sensuous love that night and she'd fallen asleep with a contented sigh in my arms while I had fought sleep, knowing that in my dreams lay only darkness.

Karrde had kept aside a small room just for such an eventuality and made himself scarce. Myri and I, soaked to the bones, hungry with suppressed passion, tore the clothes off each other, touching, exploring bare skin as if for the first time. Every caress of her hand sent a new tingle down my spine. No words were spoken, this was original sin. We had been damned the moment we'd lain eyes on each other. My blood was coursing through my veins with new vigour, even though I held her like the most fragile spun glass. Her eyes were never-ending pools of blue, insatiable, inviting, treacherous. I had fallen right in. The sparks we had felt at previous encounters erupted in luscious fire as the rain continued to hammer incessantly against the window panes, the sky a dark and inscrutable grey. We made love again and again and again, our eyes never needing to look beyond the others' as our bodies merged in wondrous synchrony. Hot tears fell onto her face as the pain I'd held inside for so long finally found release. It was the real thing. I'd never felt so alive, so primal, so in sync with life as I thrust into her and felt her respond, her hips gravitating to accomodate mine, reaching the peak together and then collapsing into heaps of sweaty, breathless flesh, human and fallible but incredibly alive.

Guilt assaulted me with brute force the moment I opened my eyes, but Myri pulled me towards her, the warmth of her breasts and thighs enfolding me.  
"Hey, Red," she whispered, my lover.  
I smiled, inspite of myself, in sheer delirium.  
"It's never sounded so sexy coming from anyone else before," I admitted, huskily.  
"That's because nobody's said it the way I do before!"  
"Myri..." I could feel the misery and desperation in my own voice.  
Her eyes clouded over.  
"Don't say it, Ben," she whispered, placing a finger on my lips.  
"I'm sorry, but what do you want me to do?" I pleaded with her.  
She kept looking at me, searching my face.  
"I want you to leave her and come to me."  
"What?!" I recoiled in shock, frowning.  
"How can you even ask that of me?!"  
Myri didn't look the least bit ashamed.  
"Oh? Look at you all self-righteous, Jedi. Remember that time you thought I had a boyfriend? Didn't stop you from coming after me, did it? Besides, I'm selfish. And I know you want me more than her."  
"I- I can't do that to Gwen! She'll be crushed!"  
She raised herself upon one elbow and cocked an eyebrow at me.  
"And she won't be crushed to find out you've been cheating on her?"  
Ah. The catch.  
"You'd blackmail me?" I asked incredulously. I shouldn't have been surprised.  
Myri shrugged.  
"It's your call, of course."  
I set my jaw, sliding out of the bed, feeling the same ice-cold weight on my heart that assailed me after each of my meetings with her.  
"I'm sorry, Antilles. It's just wrong. I couldn't do that to her. You go ahead and do what you have to."

_She pulled up the thin blankets around her nakedness as she watched him leave. She'd known he was a good man. She hated playing dirty to get him, but if at this point, that was what it took..._  
_Myri Antilles was not the sort of girl to give up._

* * *

It was a long overdue uncle-nephew reunion a couple of months later on Coruscant, when Uncle Han and I finally got some down-time to spend together. Lando Calrissian was on-planet as well, having just wrapped up a lucrative spice-deal for his mines on Kessel. The three of us decided to have a boys night out, hitting some of the more nefarious joints we were more fond of. At first, Uncle Han had dithered, feeling bad not inviting my dad as well, but I had put my foot down. There was no way in this lifetime or any other that I would put up with my father tagging along when I went drinking, partying and checking out girls. I told them quite firmly that this was intended to be a boys' night out. Any time they wanted to feel like old men they were welcome to include him in the company. Uncles Han and Lando exchanged an uneasy glance. They were both considerably older than my father.

I took them to a new nightclub, very classy, very elegant. It had the best of everything: liquour, girls and gangsters. My two compatriots looked around appraisingly.  
"Swanky joint."  
"I only recommend the best."  
"Hmmm. Kid's learning."

We unwound, each recounting their recent exploits, exchanging news and smuggling updates. Unlike my father, I had great respect for the underworld. It had served me far too many times when other avenues had not been available. Uncle Han thought it much more prudent and practical to keep up to speed this way than through other more legitimate sources of information. I tended to agree with him.  
I got up to get another round of refills, admiring a lissom Twi'lek dancer on my way out of our private booth. I stood at the bar, leaning casually against the counter as I waited for my order and that was when I sensed her presence. This time she had not caught me by surprise. Myri.  
I began to turn and the lights dimmed, all of a sudden. The announcer's deep baritone announced an exclusive performance and when I heard the opening bars of the number, I staggered back, clutching convulsively at the bar-rail. It was the cruelest cut of all.

_Up in Memphis the music's like a heat wave  
_  
Myri was unrecognizable. I was paralyzed in place.

_White lightning bound to drive you wild  
_  
She'd remembered!

_Mama's baby's in the heart of every school-girl_

She'd pinned me with her gaze the moment she lifted those fake lashes.

_Love me Tender leaves 'em cryin' in the aisle_

Her voice wound slyly around my heart, twisting ever tighter like a tourniquet.

_The way he moved, it was a sin, so sweet and true_  
_Always wanting more, he'd leave you longing for  
_  
I would have rather she'd shot me than put me through this exquisite torture. She was moving towards me, her face glowing eerily golden under layers of make-up, her hair elaborately coiffed. She'd probably worn the highest dagger heels she could find and too much of her slender legs were visible throught the high slit in her sheath-like dress which was...black velvet, of course.

_Black velvet and that little boy's smile_  
_Black velvet with that slow southern style_  
_A new religion that'll bring ya to your knees_  
_Black velvet if you please  
_  
She'd sidled right up to me, trailing an arm seductively round my waist. I could feel blood pounding at my temple. I closed my eyes and clenched my jaw. It did nothing to help. This woman was going to be the death of me. And I was absolutely helpless.

I barged into our booth sans drinks. My uncles were talking closely with a dubious looking Togruta male. All three looked up in surprise.  
"We're leaving", I said roughly.  
Uncle Lando was looking non-plussed. Uncle Han tried to open his mouth.  
_"Now!_"  
My voice was ragged and I was flushed. My blood pressure had probably doubled. I could hear myself breathing heavily.  
"Hey, what happened, kid?"  
I was in no mood to tolerate argument. I speared my uncle with a glance and repeated through clenched teeth.  
_"I said we need to get out of here now!_ Which part of that did you fail to understand?"  
I had never spoken to my uncle in that tone before. Which is probably why he didn't stop to argue. As they rose from their seats, murmuring placating apologies to their new contact, I swept out, not bothering to wait for them. I leaned wearily against Uncle Lando's snazzy silver speeder outside, a black hole seeming to gnaw at my heart.  
"What the hell was that back there, Ben?"  
Uncle Han's outrage was apparent in his voice.  
I sighed and shook my head, still not looking up at them.  
"I'm sorry, Uncle Han. I don't think I can explain."  
"Did you sense any danger?" Uncle Lando put in, looking worried.  
"No... it wasn't anything like that. Please, can we just go home?"  
"You feeling alright, kid?" Uncle Han's tone had eased to concern.  
"No, Uncle Han. I don't think I'll ever feel alright again."

_Myri took her time removing her make-up in the small room she'd hired for the night above the club. She was leisurely undoing her hair when she heard the expected knock. She smiled to herself. She'd known he'd return. She was in no hurry as she moved across the room and opened the door. But one glance at the man standing outside was enough to make her frown. _  
_Ben Skywalker didn't look like himself. His eyes held a mad glint in them and he leered at her unnervingly. When he spoke, his voice was so low as to sound dangerous._  
_"You little vixen. You remembered."_  
_She presented a bold front, unwilling to reveal the flicker of fear she'd felt seeing him in this state. He was soaked in sweat, looking as though he'd walked all the way and when he stepped closer, she distinctly smelt several shots worth of Corellian whisky on his breath._  
_"You're drunk," she remarked icily._  
_"So? Didn't you prepare for what you let yourself in for?"_  
_"I have no idea what you're talking about."_  
_Ben lurched unsteadily into her room._  
_"Oh you know __**exactly**__ what I'm talking about."_  
_Myri tried to step back, turning her face away from him. But his hand shot out and grabbed hold of her wrist in an iron vice. This time, she couldn't conceal her flash of terror. He man-handled her inside, even though she wriggled furiously in his grasp._  
_"Let go of me, you jerk!"_  
_He extended his hand backwards and the door slammed down with a resounding crash. Myri winced. _  
_"That song. You remembered, didn't you? I'd told you on the __**Errant Venture**__, hadn't I, that night? You wanted to seduce me? Well, congratulations, doll. It worked. I'm all yours."_  
_"Ben...!"_  
_"Screw me! Screw my happiness! Or what's left of it anyways. I'll have no peace until you do."_  
_"Stop acting like a kriffing idiot, Red!"_  
_"Ah! That name. I love the way you say it, have I told you that?"_  
_Myri had backed up against the wall. He was glaring down, only inches above her, twisting her arm painfully behind her back._  
_"Ben, you're hurting me!"_  
_"Now? I'm only hurting you now? You've been __**torturing**__ me for the last five years!"_  
_Myri looked away._  
_"I've already apologized for that. Let go!"_  
_She considered kneeing him in the groin, then thought better of it. Drunk or not, she was under no delusion as to who would win if it got down to a physical fight._  
_"I gave my heart to you, Myri. I would've done anything for you. All you had to do was give me a chance. But you trampled on it, didn't you? I wasn't worth your while, I was immature, that's what you said!"_  
_Her eyes flashed in anger._  
_"Oh and __**this**__ is so very mature, Ben. Maybe I was right the first time!"_  
_"You don't mean that. I always knew we were meant to be. You were the one who never believed me!"_  
_"Then what's your problem now?"_  
_Ben brought his face in even closer to hers and sneered._  
_"My problem is that you think that you can wrap me around your little finger and make me dance to your tunes. And you know what? You're absolutely right."_  
_Myri searched his eyes. They were a turbulent midnight blue, so different from their usual bright cerulean. They held a mixture of anger, grief, guilt and shame, their pupils constricted with heated lust. And pain. Their depths held a world of pain. She allowed herself to relax just a tiny bit, breathing in a little easier. Warily she reached out her hand, touching him on his firm, flat abs. Ben sucked in his breath, involuntarily, a startled flicker making him blink once. _  
_"You haven't told her yet, have you?" she asked, her voice far more gentle that it had been so far._  
_Ben drew back, stricken. Then hung his head, looking for all the world like a penitent schoolboy._  
_"No", he admitted._  
_Myri reached up and encircled his neck._  
_"Then you have to, you know. She deserves that much."_  
_Ben looked back at her, and this time the expression in his eyes scared her even more. They were the desperate eyes of a drowning man._  
_"I know. But I won't be doing it alone. If I'm going to be going down, I'll be taking you down with me."_  
_And saying this he curled his hand into her hair, pushing his lips down onto hers, lifting her up with his free arm. His force and desperation were an incredible turn-on. She wrapped her legs around his hips, rubbing herself on his slowly hardening erection as he carried her to the bed, trying to forget what his last words to her implied. They made love all night long, desperately, as if it was their last night alive._

* * *

It was true. I hadn't gotten around to telling Gwen I'd cheated on her. I'd felt plenty guilty though. Which had resulted in me almost studiously avoiding her since my return from the mission on Nar Shaddaa. Thankfully, she'd promptly put it down to overwork and stress. She loved putting anything wrong with me down to overwork and stress. How was I to break it to her? I knew I was being the lowest coward, but I simply wasn't able to face up to it. So I plunged over-zealously into work at the Temple, trying to juggle as many assignments as I possibly could, just so my mind and my time would be otherwise occupied. The other Masters were very pleased, Dad was puzzled. I could tell he suspected something to be behind my sudden over-enthusiasm, but to his credit, he withheld from prying. Finally, when I'd been about to collapse from my inhuman workload, he'd literally dragged me out by my collar and packed me off to my Uncle Han to catch a break.  
"You have a really unhealthy way of dealing with problems, you know that, son?"  
I'd groaned and squashed my face into my hands.  
That's how we'd ended up at the club the night Myri blew me out of my comfort zone.

The Celchus were in Docking Bay 17, packing their personal transport for a holiday to New Alderaan. Myri trailed along reluctantly behind me as I approached the family.  
"Hey... Gwen?"  
Gwen turned around and the way her eyes brightened at the sight of me made my heart constrict painfully with guilt and shame.  
"Ben! I thought we'd finished our goodbyes."  
She walked over to me, her poise graceful as ever, dressed in a fitting lilac travelling suit, and embraced me warmly. I hated the amount of trust her affection revealed.  
"Guess you just had to give me a last kiss goodbye, didn't you?"  
She pulled my face down for a warm kiss which I dutifully returned. She must have sensed my unease because she drew back with a small frown creasing her fair unlined brows.  
"Ben? What's wrong, honey?"  
Suddenly, her gaze strayed behind me where Myri was lurking, fidgeting in discomfort.  
"Myri!" she yelped in joy, and ran forward to hug her.  
"When did you drop in?"  
The two embraced like sisters and the sight of them made the bile rise in my throat. How would I ever forgive myself for this? I drew in a long, steady calming breath.  
Myri, too, was looking appropriately discomfited despite her joyous smile.  
I stepped forward firmly, taking Gwen's hand in mine, gently turning her to face me.  
"Darling, I- we have something to tell you."  
I made my expression as solemn as possible and that was when I sensed the faintest tendril of fear and uncertainty coming from Gwen.  
"Gwen, I-I'm afraid I haven't been entirely honest with you."  
Her face creased with worry as she searched my eyes for a clue as to what I might be about to reveal.  
"What-what do you mean?" she asked, softly.  
I sucked in a breath, preparing for the final strike.  
"You remember I'd told you I'd been to Nar Shaddaa a couple of months ago?"  
She nodded slowly, her eyes shifting from Myri to me and back, probably wondering where she came in to the picture, maybe even guessing at the truth, but not wanting to admit it.  
"I-uh- happened to bump into Myri while I was there. And...Gwen, I realized something."  
Her panic was increasing.  
"I still love her."  
Gwen's hand shot to her mouth, her expression crumbling, threatening to dissolve into tears. She took a couple of steps back, battling valiantly against her sobs. When she had regained a modicum of composure, she was only able to blurt out one strangled question.  
"Still?"  
I bowed my head, biting my lip. The waves of her anguish were assaulting me in the Force. I forced myself to stay rooted to my spot.  
"I've loved her since I was 15, Gwen. Since I'd met her on the _Errant Venture_. I've never stopped loving her since, even though I have been with other women. We-we were never really... involved...until now."  
When I looked up, the pained look of hurt and betrayal in her eyes stabbed through my heart like a knife. I longed to gather her up in my arms and comfort her, soothe her tears which were spilling onto her hand still clutched desperately to her mouth. Whatever happened, I knew I would never stop caring about her. I resolutely kept my hands clenched tightly into fists by my side, refusing the desire to even reach out to her.

Aunt Winter rushed over, having seen her reaction to my words.  
"Gwen! Sweetheart!"  
Gwen dissolved into sobs against her mother. Aunt Winter fixed me with a particularly ferocious glare.  
"What did you say to her?"  
"I'm so sorry, Gwen, Aunt Winter," I mumbled, the words sounding ridiculous and hollow to my own ears.  
Gwen only sobbed harder.  
"He's-he's leaving me, Mom!"  
"What?! Why?!"  
I reddened to the point of my face probably matching the colour of my hair. I felt like I was in a pit of boiling lava, squirming uncomfortably under the pained gazes of both mother and daughter. To my utter consternation, I saw Uncle Tycho coming forward to join them.  
_Good grief!_ I thought. _He's going to kill me right here, right now!_  
"Gwen," I pleaded, "Can we just talk for a minute?"  
Her eyes flashed fire.  
"Why, Ben? Feeling uncomfortable talking in front of my parents? You know, they were still there for me, they still loved me, while you were hooking up with your old flame in some dive on the Smugglers' Moon!"  
I ran my hand over my face, forcing myself to keep my cool.  
"Gwen, you don't understand. It's not what it sounds like."  
"You cheated on me, Ben! That's exactly what it was and that's exactly what it's going to sound like! Why, Ben? I trusted you! I - I thought you loved me!"  
"I do! Did. Gwen, I didn't lie to you. When I said I loved you, I truly did. I - I honestly tried my best to get over her. And I did! For a while. But... when- when I saw her again... I'm sorry, Gwen. You're right. I have no excuse. I acted like a complete jerk and I deserve to be treated like one. I'm not asking for your forgiveness..."  
By now, Gwen had managed to control her crying to a certain extent. But the fury on her face was clearly evident.  
I squared my shoulders. I deserved this, I told myself. I had betrayed her trust, her love. I hadn't been fully honest with her. I was a complete _nerf_! Atleast I could have the dignity to face her retribution like a man.  
"Why didn't you tell me about her, Ben?"  
She took a few steps towards me so we were face-to-face. Her voice was soft, but choked. Which made every word hit doubly hard. I couldn't look her in the eyes.  
"It hurt too much for me to even remember her, Gwen. I'm sorry. It was wrong of me. You deserved to know."  
She kept staring at me, her eyes brimming, but furious.  
"I thought we were happy, Ben. I - I thought we had a future."  
I nodded mutely.  
"So did I."  
"Then why did you do this? To us? How could you do this... How could you betray..._me_?"  
The tears had started falling again. I wanted to break down myself. The feeling of her hurt, and my being the cause of it, was overwhelming.  
"I love her, Gwen. I've always loved her. I -I've never felt this way about anyone before."  
"What about me?"  
This time I looked up, forced myself to look her directly in the eyes so that she could see for herself what it cost me to say this.  
Silently I shook my head.  
"I'm sorry, Gwen. Not even you."

She stared at me for a few moments more as the shock settled in her honey-coloured eyes. I held her gaze, contrite, but honest and decided. Finally she pursed her lips, whirled around and marched off. Aunt Winter spent a couple of seconds looking from me to her in anguish, then hurried after her daughter. I was left staring hollowly in her wake... until Uncle Tycho stepped up. My eyes widened. My heart stopped for a second and my mind went numb with very real fear. I truly expected him to draw a blaster on me and blow my brains out. He just stood in front of me, staring me down, his eyes like cold chips of ice. I gritted my teeth and stood my ground, forcing myself to believe I had acted like an honest man, not as the lowly, stinking weasel he was making me feel like.  
His voice was as terrifying as it was soft.  
"I liked you, you know. I thought you were a good boy. You proved me wrong, son. You're nothing like your father. Atleast he is an honourable man."  
Of all the things he could have said, this was like a sucker punch to the gut. A giant lump formed in my throat. I clenched my fists so hard to stop from lashing out at him, my nails probably drew blood. I knew he was goading me, bringing Dad's name into all of this. He probably wanted to punch me just as badly as I wanted to punch him.  
I forced myself to swallow all my pride and anger and said in as calm a voice as I could manage.  
"You're right, sir. He is."

_"Gwen?"_  
_Gwen was startled momentarily out of her angry march at the soft call, coming from behind her family transport. The sight of her long-time friend, though, was no comfort. She folded her arms across her chest and glared at her through her tears._  
_"What do you want?"_  
_Myri shuffled her feet apologetically, hurt by the abrupt brusqueness of her tone._  
_"I - I just wanted you to know I'm really sorry about all this, Gwen. I - we - never meant to hurt you..."_  
_"Oh? Why'd you do it, then?"_  
_"I - I love him, Gwen, I - I was-am, selfish, too selfish to leave him to you... It wasn't his fault," she said, looking up earnestly at her erstwhile friend, still regarding her icily._  
_Gwen's voice was steady as she replied._  
_"I know. My Ben wouldn't do something like that to me."_  
_Myri winced._  
_"Tell me one thing, Myri. How come you never realized this before? You had so many, many years. Before he and I... got involved."_  
_The sarcasm in her tone was hard to miss._  
_Myri sighed._  
_"I - I wasn't sure... if he was what I wanted..."_  
_"And what made you sure? Me?"_  
_Myri looked away, too embarrassed to look her friend in the eyes._  
_"You made him do this, didn't you? How'd you know he was on Nar Shaddaa?"_  
_"I trailed him."_  
_"And then seduced him?"_  
_Myri swallowed._  
_"He - he refused at first, said he couldn't do it to you. He told me he loved you... I wouldn't take his no for an answer-"_  
_She never saw it coming. The slap echoed around the hangar, startling everyone. Myri rubbed her cheek, feeling the sharp sting, knowing it would lead to an ugly bruise. Gwen was crying openly now._  
_"You bitch!" she screamed at her, and stomped up the boarding ramp._  
_"I deserved that", Myri muttered to herself._

**A/N #2: "Black Velvet" by Alannah Myles. Doesn't belong to me, naturally. It's a song I personally find extremely sultry. Feel free to substitute in your imagination with whichever song you find sexy! ;P**


	11. Chapter 10

**A/N: Kleenex alert! Don't tell me I didn't warn you!**

The Celchus transport took off, leaving only the two of us behind. Slowly I walked up to Myri and gently wrapped an arm around her shoulders as we stared up at the sky through the bay doors. I knew that at some point in my life I would have to pay for the way I had treated Gwen Celchu. Breaking up with her had made me feel hollow and empty. I had a bad feeling about this.

Our becoming a couple officially turned out to be less fulfilling than I had always thought it would be. The whole episode with Gwen had scarred us both and took some time to get over. For my part, I had loved her. Perhaps not with the same intensity and passion as I loved Myri, but in my own way, I had. I missed her. Myri, too, suffered from a guilty conscience. I could see that. Friends and family were shocked, to say the least.  
"_You_ dumped _Gwen_?! How? When? Why?!"  
"Wait... you and_ Myri_? Myri _Antilles_?! _Again_?!"  
"You feeling alright, kid? Are you sure about this?"  
"Son, you know I've never interfered with your relationships, but I don't know if what you've done this time is entirely a good thing."  
I heard them all out, weary though I was with the continuous judgement. Jag took the two of us aside.  
"Are you two sure you want to do this?" he asked, in his usual measured tone.  
This time Myri snapped.  
"For kriff's sake, Jag! Has anyone happened to notice that the two of us are _adults_? We know what we're doing! Swell timing for _you_ to start acting all big brotherly-"  
I cut Myri off mid-tirade.  
"Myri's right, Jag," I said, all Jedi calm, refusing to give in to my irritation as Myri was.  
"We aren't here asking for anyone's permission. We came to this decision together and we did what we had to do. I'm sorry if any of you have any objections to this, but it's happening. Both of us have waited far too long to be together."  
I was polite but firm. A lot of lips pursed around me, but they all uniformly realized it was no use arguing. Jag looked at the two of us for a while. I met his gaze evenly while Myri glowered. Finally, he gave us a curt nod and stepped aside. I softly breathed a sigh of relief and reached down for Myri's hand.  
_Finally._

* * *

I trailed a finger down her arm, resting loosely on my belly, rising and falling to the rhythm of my breathing. Myri shivered involuntarily.  
"Mmmmm...Don't, Ben! That tickles!"  
I grinned mischievously.  
"Tickles, eh? Let's see if you tickle in other places, too!"  
She started to scream. I quickly plunged in with a kiss, stifling her cries. She relaxed and my fingers forgot what they had been doing, reaching up to tangle in her short mussed-up hair. We lay on top of each other, silently savouring our long, deep kiss, the passion that had driven us for most of the night beginning to make itself felt once more. Our lovemaking was silent and slow, very slow, each movement prolonged to stretch out the moment. We fit. Our bodies were meant to be together, enmeshed as one. I realized that perhaps I actually preferred non-Force sensitive women, so I could concentrate on one plane at a time. Myri lazily pulled me in with a soft moan, squeezing the breath out of me so I gave a soft 'oomph'. I nuzzled her neck, breathing in her natural scent, nipping at the soft flesh till she batted my face away. I looked deep into her eyes and saw the love I felt I had waited forever to see. I kept looking into them, unable to quench my thirst for her love, until I saw her pupils constrict in surprise and felt her body spasm around me. She whispered her given name for me, softly in my ear and I felt my own release.  
"Oh, Red..."  
"I love you, Myri."  
I was unable to hold it back any longer. I wanted this, I wanted to let go of my shields and finally be able to open up to the full extent of my feelings for her.  
She pulled back and smiled, warm and melting.  
"I know."  
"I don't ever want to lose you again."  
She lifted her hand, stroking my hair, her voice full of emotion.  
"You won't, baby. Never again."  
Considering what happened next, she might as well have stabbed me in the heart and ended it all right then.

_Wedge Antilles marched home in a white-hot blinding rage. He had just had a rather extended comm session and only listened for the most part. His emotions had ranged from shock to dismay to concern and had finally settled on live anger. He punched in the access code to his apartment on Coronet City with much more force than was strictly necessary, and then froze on the doorstep._  
_There were faint sounds of trilling laughter coming from the kitchen. A deep frown formed on his brows and he went forward slowly, hand hovering near the blaster hidden at all times on his belt. The sight that met his eyes at his destination did absolutely nothing to soothe his already frayed nerves. His younger daughter was casually lounging against the counter with a mug of caf in her hand, an oversize flight jacket over her tank top and shorts while a bare-chested red-haired young man sat at the kitchen table, also cradling a mug of caf, his back turned to Wedge. He had evidently caught them in the middle of an amusing conversation._  
_Myri's eyes widened at the sight of her father standing in the entrance-way._  
_"Daddy!" she exclaimed in surprise, rushing forward to throw her arms around him, her eyes sparkling._  
_Wedge could feel a vein throbbing at his temple._  
_"Myri," he acknowledged, wishing he could feel more cheerful about having his daughter return home after such a while._  
_"When did you get back?" he asked._  
_His eyes were fixed on the young man who had half-turned towards him and was flashing him a lopsided half-grin, and looking awkward and self-conscious at having been caught shirtless in front of his new girlfriend's father._  
_"Hey, Uncle Wedge."_  
_Both youngsters soon seemed to notice that Wedge did not appear very happy to see them._  
_"Daddy?" Myri asked, a slight frown forming on her brows._  
_"What's wrong?"_  
_"What's he doing here?" Wedge asked, indicating Ben with a brief nod in his direction._  
_"I invited him over. He was dropping me home."_  
_"Why are you wearing his jacket?"_  
_Ben blushed furiously in embarrassment._  
_Myri raised her eyebrows._  
_"You really want me to answer that, Dad?"_  
_"Never mind."_  
_Wedge shook his head, as if trying to get rid of a very disturbing mental picture._  
_"Give him his jacket back. He's leaving."_  
_Now it was Ben's turn to look surprised._  
_"Oh?"_  
_Myri' s voice had markedly cooled and she was looking defiantly at her father, her arms crossed over her chest._  
_"I don't believe either of us were aware of that."_  
_"Myri."_  
_Her father's tone held a distinct edge of warning to it, but his daughter was far too stubborn to heed it._  
_"What's your problem with him, Daddy?"_  
_"I would prefer to discuss that with him and not you, Myri."_  
_Wedge refused to bend before his daughter._  
_Ben came up to the two, their eyes still locked in a silent battle of wills. He gently prised his jacket from Myri's shoulders and asked with genuine concern, _  
_"What's up, Uncle Wedge?"_  
_Wedge now directed his gaze towards the young man, now fully clothed._  
_"Myri, I'd like to speak with Ben alone, please."_  
_The flash of hurt and astonishment in her eyes was unmistakable._  
_She opened her mouth to protest, but Wedge said firmly, "Please", in a voice that brooked no dissent._  
_Myri glared daggers at her father, then looked at her boyfriend, still regarding the former perplexedly and then whirled and stomped out of the room._

Uncle Wedge's eyes held none of the usual affection they had hithertofore always held for me. I had honestly been rattled by this sudden interruption and his rather strange behaviour towards us. I stood before him, frowning slightly at the barely suppressed hostility I sensed coming from him.  
What in the world had gotten into him?  
"I received a comm before I came here."  
His voice was outwardly calm.  
"I'm afraid it was rather bad news."  
My heart jumped into my throat and immediately my mind went to the worst case scenario: Had something happened on Coruscant? To Dad? Aunt Leia? Uncle Han? Jaina?  
Uncle Wedge was still measuring my reaction.  
"From Tycho."  
This time my heart took the opposite direction and plunged into my boots. I felt my hands go cold.  
Had Uncle Tycho contracted him to shoot me instead?  
"I heard what you did to Gwen. Poor girl's inconsolable."  
I looked away, wincing in guilt.  
"I don't want you near my daughter, Ben."  
He said it flatly, finally.  
My heart almost stopped. I looked at him with undisguised shock.  
"What?"  
It came out as a croak. But instantly another incredulous voice chimed in.  
"Wait. _What?!_"  
It came from beyond Uncle Wedge's shoulder. Apparently Myri had disobeyed a direct order. Being a former military man, this did not go down well with Wedge Antilles. His head snapped around and he barked,  
"What did I tell you, young lady? I'm having this conversation in private!"  
"Oh no you're not. Not when it concerns me."  
She stood her ground resolutely, refusing to back down even under the anger of her father.  
"I'm not a child anymore, Dad! You can't _dictate_ who my friends should be!"  
Uncle Wedge turned back slightly and passed a withering gaze up and down me, making me wish the apartment floor would dissolve and drop me straight into space. His tone was uncharacteristically snide.  
"According to my information, he would seem to be more than just a.._.friend,_ Myri."  
Myri bristled.  
"That's still none of your business, Dad!"  
Uncle Wedge raised his eyebrows.  
"You're my daughter. That makes this my business," he pointed out  
"No it doesn't! I'm 28 years old! You can't tell me who I should date!"  
"If they're trouble, if they have amassed the reputation this young man has, then yes, I can. And I will."  
Myri took one more step towards the retired General, this time with a plea.  
"Dad, what he did... he did because of _me_! _For_ me! He loves me, Daddy! He would never hurt me!"  
Uncle Wedge stared her down with the same unnerving calm he had been employing on me.  
"I heard about your role in all this too, young lady, and I promise you, we shall talk about it later. But as of right now, I want this young man out of my house."  
I attempted to intervene, this fresh betrayal of trust still sore and rankling.  
"Uncle Wedge... how-how can you do this to me? You know what I went through! You-you fought with my dad! He's one of your oldest friends!"  
"Tycho Celchu is my closest friend and any man who hurts his family has lost my respect."  
I dared to snort in his face.  
"Really, Uncle Wedge? There was a time I seem to remember the two of you were ranged on opposite sides, in a galaxy at war!"  
A muscle moved in the man's jaw and I could see it was taking a lot of effort for him to keep his voice level.  
"Get out of my house, Skywalker. And don't you even dare try contacting my daughter again."  
Myri grabbed my hand and pulled me towards the door, her voice soft but seething with outrage.  
"Come on, Ben. We're leaving."  
Wedge Antilles sighed and asked after us wearily.  
"Where do you think you're going, Myri?"  
She didn't even deign to answer, her hand reaching out to punch the access pad.  
His voice came to us again, softer this time, but the words he spoke were lethal.  
"Myri Antilles. You take one step out of this house with that boy and I swear upon my name that you will forsake your place in it... and in my heart."

She froze. My hand dropped from her grasp. She turned to face him slowly, stunned beyond words at what his words implied.  
"D-Daddy?"  
I could almost hear the tears in her voice.  
Her father stood his ground, irresolute.  
"Y-you can't!... Daddy, _what_?! How-how can you even _say_ something like that?!"  
"Because I mean it, Myri. Every word. You want to try me?"  
Myri moved towards him, completely shaken. I looked on helplessly. There was a roaring in my ears and I couldn't hear what father and daughter said next. All I remember is that she was walking back towards me, a torrent of tears bathing her cheeks, not even lifting her face to meet mine.  
"You have to go, Ben."  
I wanted to grab her and run away. I reached out to her, but she just stood there stiffly, making no response to my gesture.  
"Myri, we..."  
"No, Ben. Just-Please, go."  
She was crying. It was happening again. All over again.  
"Myri, don't do this!"  
I was crying, too, and making no effort at restraining myself.  
"Don't let him do this to us!"  
I would have fallen to my knees and begged, if I could have hoped to make a difference.  
"I won't listen if it's just him, Myri. I-I'll come back for you! I'm not afraid."  
"No...it's not just him...I-I don't want to see you anymore..."  
"Myri! You can't mean that! Not-not after everything-!"  
She cut me off, her voice devoid of all life and all feeling.  
"I'm sorry, Ben. Please don't call me anymore. Please. Just go away."  
"No! I won't! I won't leave you here! Not this time, not again! No!"  
She stalled me again with her soulless eyes.  
"I'm sorry. But he's my father."  
I backed away slowly, reeling, looking at her looking at me, with horror. I couldn't feel, hear anything. I just kept staring at her white face, tears streaming down, watching me. I tried to call out to her, one last time, to reach for her. But my legs seemed to be staggering back of their own accord, my insides crumbling, my heart ripping itself to shreds.  
I simply turned and ran. And ran and ran and ran.

* * *

_Luke Skywalker was browsing through the Temple Archives when he felt the hot, searing flash of pain. His head snapped up and his eyes went very wide. He left the Archives at a run, making for the Temple hangars, nearly barrelling into another slight figure heading the same way._  
_"Luke!"_  
_"I know. I felt it too, Leia."_  
_"What-?"_  
_"I don't know. But I've got to get to him. Fast."_

_They found him in a rundown public medcenter curled up into a tight ball. Luke ran to him._  
_"Ben! Are you alright? What happened?"_  
_His aunt sat down on the bed next to him, gently stroking his hair. His shoulders heaved in silence._  
_"Ben, sweetheart, it'll be ok. You're coming home with us."_  
_Luke knelt by the bedside, but his son turned his face away. And that's when he saw his hand, clenched tight, half hidden underneath his body. It was lacerated and streaming blood, crudely bound up in what looked like dirty rags. He reached for it. Jagged shards still protruded from his palm. _  
_"Ben," he asked in an appalled whisper._  
_"What have you done to yourself?"_  
_His son turned then to face them, tear-stained and smudged with blood, his eyes puffy and red-rimmed, but curiously empty._  
_"It's ok, Dad," he said, his voice hoarse and dry._  
_"I can't feel it anymore."_


	12. Chapter 11

You know shit? Like really shitty shit? Like, say, the stinkiest pile of bantha poodoo you ever got your boot stuck in? Yeah, this was worse. About ten thousand times worse. It was so bad, some mornings I couldn't even get out of bed. I would pull my pillow over my face and try and stifle myself. Didn't work, naturally.

Aunt Leia managed to get the story out of me in that inimitable style she has. She simply sat beside me, sometimes stroking my hair, sometimes holding me, but stayed quiet. Even her Force aura was soothing and peaceful. I held out for as long as I could, but then broke down and told her everything. About my confrontation with Uncle Wedge, how he had wrenched Myri from me, how I'd run all the way to the spaceport from their apartment and smashed my hand through a speeder window in heart-broken anger and frustration and then collapsed beside it, sobbing and screaming like a mad-man. That had been the pain they had sensed from me in the Force. A stranger had finally removed me from the site which had, by then, pulled a decent crowd of onlookers, and deposited me in the medcenter, atleast out of harm's way. I didn't remember his name, or even what he'd looked like. I had been inconsolable and incoherent, refusing to let any medic or med-droid tend to my injuries. In the end, they'd left me to fester.

The curious thing this time around , though, was probably my lack of feeling. It used to hurt, before, when I had loved Myri but still been rejected. This time, I couldn't feel the pain. In fact, I couldn't feel anything. It was like I had forgotten how to process emotions. I found it surprising at first, this new-found numbness. I would cautiously revisit the whole episode on Corellia in my head, and then probe myself for some reaction, something, anything! But there was nothing. The entire scene would play out in front of my mind's eye and it was like I was sitting back and watching a holovid, completely detached and dispassionate. Not even the faintest flicker of feeling, just a deathly cold.

Dad was getting worried, I could tell. He would look at me, deep worry and concern pooling in his eyes, almost about to reach out and say something. But then he would stop himself. He would not try to force it out of me. He would wait until I was ready to go to him. But so far I had maintained my silence.  
This went on for a while. Eventually, of my own accord, I did go up to him. He was watching the HoloNet idly, not really paying attention.  
"How do you do it, Dad?" I asked him quietly, easing myself onto the couch next to him.  
"How do you pick yourself up every time? Don't you ever feel like just giving up?"  
He took his time to answer me, without shifting his gaze from the screen.  
"If there's nothing else, I live for my family. Maybe you should try it sometime."  
I bowed my head. He hadn't actually rebuked me, but his tone hadn't been the most sympathetic either. This time I could feel his eyes on me, taking in the sight of me. I knew I looked classically pathetic. I hadn't changed out of my pyjamas in three days, I hadn't shaved in more than ten. I had been stewing in my own private hell and I could see Dad was getting sick of it. Mom would have waged war to improve my appearance and level of personal hygiene. Dad just let me swim through my own funk, alone.

But he was right. It took a lot of effort and determination, but I finally managed to pull myself up off my ass and haul myself to the refresher. I even managed to take a fairly thorough shower after a long time without wanting to drown myself in the water. Lethargically I donned fresh robes and boots, pulled a brush through my hair and stepped out. I walked up to Dad and announced with far more assurance than I felt.  
"You're right, Dad. I'm done with all this. I'm through with Myri, Uncle Wedge, all the Antilles there ever was or will be. I'm going back to the Temple. That's where I belong."  
Dad looked at me long and hard.  
"You sure, son?" he asked me gently, "I don't think you're fully healed yet."  
"Let me get back to work, Dad. I'm a Jedi. I'll be fine."  
He raised his eyebrows, then got up and put an affectionate hand on my shoulder.  
"Ben, I'm sorry it had to be this way for you. I never would have wanted you to give up on love. I want to see you happy, with a family of your own someday..."  
"I know, Dad. But I'm done chasing after it all. If the Force wills it, it'll come to me. I'm not going to dash myself to pieces on a rocky relationship again. This time, I'm going to do my best to be patient."  
"That's easier said than done, Ben."  
I sighed.  
"I have to try, Dad. Besides, I have a duty to the galaxy, to the Order... to my family. I'm not going to let my personal stupidity get in the way."  
Dad's eyes showed the pain he felt at my words.  
"Don't say that. You're not stupid. You're one of the strongest people I know."  
"Then I have to believe I can do this, Dad. And I'm going to need you to believe it too."  
Finally, he nodded.  
"I believe you, son. I believe in you. We're always there for you, though, never fear."  
I had to get out, I knew, before my emotions got the better of me. I had to seek out the serenity of the Jedi Temple and do some major league meditation.  
Swallowing round a lump in my throat I gave my dad a rough, one-armed hug. He returned it warmly saying,  
"You know us Skywalkers, son. We can never do love the easy way."  
I gawped at him.  
"You ended up with Mom! What the blazes are you complaining about?!"

I thought I was on the mend. I still couldn't feel anything, though. I wrestled with meditation, sitting patiently in one of the chambers in the Temple for hours on end, struggling to calm my mind and enter a meditative state, more than actually being able to meditate. The minute I closed my eyes, all the images I was trying to run away from would spring unbidden to mind and play in an endlessly jumbled loop. My heart would throb dully. But I refused to give up.  
I opened myself up for missions and assignments as well, but there didn't seem to be anything pressing at the moment that the Jedi Council was willing to assign me. I went on a couple of diplomatic missions, accompanying Masters and other senior Knights, but those took only a few days at most. Else I was back, training and exercising, forcing myself to study in the Archives and wrestling stubbornly with the Force.  
I noticed Jedi Master Kyp Durron watching me from a distance, seemingly concerned.  
"Having trouble meditating?"  
I let out a deep sigh of exasperation.  
"I'm trying, Master."  
He kept looking at me. I attempted to ignore him and resume my meditative posture. I closed my eyes and breathed in deeply, relaxing my body, my mind, little by little. But it was no use. The minute I let go the strangle-hold on my thoughts, Myri, Uncle Wedge, Gwen... all the events that had been troubling me lately would burst out in full colour and vivid detail. The more I tried to calm myself, the more they insisted on running in front of my eyes, faster and faster. My breathing shortened and became erratic and a pressure began to grow heavier on my heart. Finally, I opened my eyes, blinking back tears of frustration, letting my breath out in a long exhalation.  
_I'm sorry, Master Obi-Wan. I've failed you._

Master Durron was still standing there, regarding me with a deep crease between his brows. Worry was patently evident in his dark eyes. I wanted to scream in annoyance but I held my tongue and shrugged in defeat.  
Finally, he moved.  
"Come with me", he said shortly and turned away, not even waiting for me to follow.  
I frowned in puzzlement myself, but nevertheless followed at my Master's heels. He strode straight out of the Jedi Temple, with me running to keep up with him. Where in the galaxy was he going? He went straight up to one of the speeders kept especially for Council business and hopped in, indicating with a brief gesture that I do the same. I had no clue as to what he had in mind, still I didn't argue. We zoomed up into the skylanes and took off down a familiar route. I turned to gape at Master Durron. He was heading towards... _Starfighter Command!_

I followed Kyp Durron into Starfighter Command Headquarters without a word. Our ride there had been similarly silent. I recognized that air of determination about him, the one that tolerated no questions. I hadn't wasted my breath asking him any. He would speak to me when I needed to be spoken to. He marched up to the Starfighter Simulation Control Room and issued a few curt instructions to the officials inside. They scurried aside for him, leaving the two of us alone. Master Durron motioned me inside and tossed me an access chip to one of the flight simulators and headed towards another himself. This time I couldn't keep quiet any longer. I had to ask.  
"Master? What-?"  
"Go and get strapped in, Ben."  
"Flight sims, Master? But why?"  
He flashed me a rogueish grin.  
"You'll see."

I repeat. I am no fighter pilot. I handle a speeder pretty well, and I can manage a reasonably sized starship on my own, but starfighters are a completely different cup of caf. I know I should probably be ashamed of myself. I am a Skywalker, after all. I should have been able to fly even before I could walk. Except it hadn't really ever worked out that way. Thus, facing Kyp Durron, even in a flight simulator, I was in over my head. Blobs of plasma exploded wherever I looked through the canopy and my heart-rate had doubled in approximately twenty seconds. I was in the dog-fight of my life! Little red lights winked everywhere on my console. Apparently I barely had any rear shields left and had just lost my astromech droid. I winced inwardly, thanking the Force this wasn't real and that hadn't been Artoo behind me. My headphones crackled as Kyp's voice barked over it.  
"What in blazes do you think you're playing at, Skywalker?! Do you want to get shot out of the sky?!"  
"I'm not the rest of my family, Master! I'm no good in one of these things!"  
I heard an audible snort.  
"I'll believe a Skywalker with Han Solo for an uncle can't fly the day gundarks learn how to swim!"  
I swore under my breath, shoving my control-stick this way and that, desperately trying to keep Kyp off my tail. He seemed to keep me locked in his scopes effortlessly. I had no time left to try any more, I had to _do_.  
I closed my eyes, drawing in the Force, blanking out all distractions so that I was perfectly calm. I only held one thought, one word in my head:_ Dad_. Time seemed to slow around me. I couldn't feel the buffeting of the simulator anymore. Slowly I opened my eyes, and the whole scenario changed. I was no longer thinking of what I had to do. I let the Force take over control of my actions. My hands moved of their own accord. I jammed the stick hard right and went into a tightly controlled spin, coming out well below Kyp. The next moment I pointed my nose up and zoomed across his nose, my ion trails streaming across his canopy. An inverse flip later, this time it was me sitting comfortably on his tail while he juked and jinked in my sights. I lined up the proton torpedoes and locked him in. Then I activated the comm channel.  
"I've got a clear shot at you, Master. Want to give up now?"  
I heard a faint chuckle across the line.  
"Wasn't so hard to pull you out of your funk, now, was it? All you needed was the right distraction."  
And that's when it struck me. In the most unlikely setting of all, I had finally been able to reach the Force!

* * *

_A few months later, Ben was part of a Jedi contingent attending the annual Senate session-opening gala. He sipped on a slightly sour cocktail, bored to death. Hearing the sharp clicking of military boot-heels coming up behind him, he turned to find his brother-in-law, Jagged Fel walking towards the bar, upright and composed as ever, but sorely in need of a drink. He could tell._  
_"You don't look this bad when you spend a day alone with the twins, you know."_  
_The older man shot him a look full of reproach._  
_"My sons don't deal in flattery and political machinations. It makes spending time with them an actual pleasure."_  
_"You forgot the part where you actually like spending time with them because you're their__** father**__."_  
_Jag aimed a mock cuff at his head and Ben smirked. He turned back to the bar, downing his cocktail as Jag gestured the 'tender over._  
_"A Whyren for me- you?" he asked, looking over at the young Jedi._  
_"My, but your tastes are getting more and more Corellian by the day! Same for me. Trying to live up to Uncle Han's expectations taking a toll on ya?"_  
_Jag regarded Ben more carefully, noting with his customary disapproval how he slouched against the bar. He'd cleaned up his act a lot, but the shadows both below and within his eyes, making them look unusually dark and hollow, were easy to spot for a member of the family. The humorous banter was only his cover-up technique._  
_"Aren't you here with Leia? Shouldn't you be standing strong and silent at her shoulder like the faithful, attentive nephew that you are?"_  
_Ben gave a snort. _  
_"You really think Aunt Leia needs my help at do's like this? She could navigate them in her sleep! She only dragged me along because Uncle Han and Dad have gotten cleverer at avoiding pointless bureaucratic functions. Their latest excuse is that they're advancing in years and might just drop into a coma if they have to endure another one of these!"_  
_Jag thought to himself that Ben could use the distraction of the complexities of matters of state to drag him away from the complexities of matters of the heart, but sighed and shook his head. At his age, he'd probably been just as intractable._

_Their drinks had arrived. Jag swirled his lazily in the glass, debating how to begin what he had planned to say to Ben._  
_"I was on Corellia about a week ago," he started softly, deliberately keeping his voice low._  
_"I met my uncle."_  
_Ben was trying to feign nonchalance, but Jag could see he was watching him closely._  
_"Myri's taken this pretty hard, too, you know. She hasn't spoken to him since. I... tried putting in a word for you."_  
_He shook his head regretfully._  
_"But he won't budge. He even tried to imply that perhaps I had started caring more about you than for Myri, now that I'm married into the family."_  
_Ben was looking at the floor, biting his lip, obviously disappointed, but at this he raised his unusually aged eyes to Jag's and he could make out the genuine apology in them._  
_"Thank you, Jag. You didn't have to do it, but I truly appreciate it. I...I'm sorry you had to hear all that...because of me. "_  
_He looked away._  
_Jag was filled with sympathy for the young man. _  
_"He's her father, Ben. He will be irrational when it comes to anything concerning her."_  
_"I know."_  
_"But for what it's worth, I believe you. I could see it, that day. You really love her, don't you?"_  
_Ben remained silent._  
_Jag nodded, half to himself. He didn't need to hear it from him. He knew very well the pain that accompanied heartbreak. _

_Gwen Celchu was , coincidentally, attending the same party that night. She'd only come at the insistence of her mother, having had no intention of setting foot on blasted Coruscant for as long as she could hold out. She was, after all, a politician-in-training. She'd have to learn how to fulfill her duties while masking her true emotions. This was as good an opportunity to practise that as any. So far it was going well. She was currently cornered by a Bith Senator who had been talking non-stop for the last seven minutes. She had courageously plastered a charming smile on her face even though her eyes had glassed over several minutes ago, her thoughts far,far away. Which was why it came as a severe shock to her when the Senator was finally interrupted by none other than former Chief of State of the New Republic, Leia Organa Solo. With a few words to the Bith that she didn't even pay attention to, she sent him away, graciously bowing to hound someone else and turned to the stunned young woman with a smile. Gwen's heart sank within her. This was precisely why she had resisted returning to Coruscant. She was bound to bump into a member of __**his**__ family.  
_  
_Leia could well sense the younger woman's discomfort. Her resolve didn't waver though._  
_"Senator Ph'olla can be a strain on the nerves, can't he?" she opened, cheerfully._  
_"They're all the same. Even in my day! And I felt I simply had to come to the rescue of a fellow Alderaanian!"_  
_Gwen forced herself to smile._  
_"Th-Thank you...ma'am." She was at a loss for a moment as to how to address her formally._  
_"I wasn't...aware you were to going to be attending this function, Madam Solo."_  
_Leia flinched slightly, still smiling._  
_"I realize this is a formal gathering, but 'Madam Solo' still sounds strange, coming from you."_  
_Gwen blushed._  
_"You needn't be quite so formal with me, my dear. Especially since no one else is around."_  
_Gwen shook off her discomfort, straightening herself and deciding she would have to get through this evening with the grace and diplomacy expected of her. Leia linked her arm through hers and steered her through the milling groups of diverse species._  
_"I'm here representing the Jedi tonight, if you must know, especially since whenever there's anything remotely connected with politics my brother shunts me off to make excuses on his behalf. He's pathologically allergic to large, formal gatherings. Says it's the side-effects of having been brought up a farmboy!"_  
_Despite her best efforts, Gwen could barely stifle a most unbecoming giggle. Leia grinned._  
_"I remember when I was your age, my father, Bail Organa, I mean, would never let me wrangle out of attending State functions. Said it was the best practice for a budding Senator. Your mother would take it far more to heart than I would. Believe it or not, I hated the dressing and frippery that went with it all!"_  
_Gwen unconsciously ran a hand down her sea-green gown, smoothening out any non-existent wrinkles. Leia noticed her action and smiled indulgently. _  
_"Your dress is stunning, my dear. Winter's choice, no doubt."_  
_Gwen looked faintly indignant._  
_"Certainly not! I make sure that I am solely responsible for my wardrobe!"_  
_"So much your mother's daughter."_  
_She was completely relaxed now. Leia had always made her feel comfortable and welcome, even when she had been dating..._

_Something made Gwen cast her glance around the end of the room they had arrived at. The crowd was thickest here. It was the open bar. The highly polished counter ran nearly the full breadth of the hall and needed to be tended by three bartenders to attend to all the demands. As her gaze was travelling along the line of beings thronging the counter, it froze as it encountered a familiar profile. Leia felt the girl stiffen beside her and draw in an involuntary sharp breath. She determinedly placed a firm hand on her shoulder as she too looked toward the figure of her son-in-law and nephew, conversing quietly in a corner. Her eyes darkened and she softly said,_  
_"It didn't work out for him, Gwen. Wedge heard about you and broke them up. He didn't think Ben would be a suitable match for Myri."_  
_Gwen's eyes shot up to meet hers, and Leia could see that the pain of that parting still remained in her heart. She realized that perhaps this could be termed as manipulation, but she couldn't bear to see her beloved nephew in pain any longer. He needed some kind of closure and perhaps Gwen was the only one who could give it to him._  
_"Please... Please, I-I can't face him... Please don't make me."_  
_There were tears incumbent in her voice and it made Leia feel cold-hearted and cruel to have to do what she knew she had to._  
_"He didn't mean to hurt you, Gwen. You know him. He would never do that on purpose. But he's in so much pain. You can help him. Perhaps you're the only one among us who can. Go to him."_  
_"But he... he doesn't love me. It cannot work."_  
_"I'm not asking you to get back together with him. Just... talk to him. He regrets what he did to you, Gwen. He's ever so sorry for that. But he cannot help what he feels. It-it kills me to see him like this."_  
_Gwen was torn. She could feel the sincerity in the older woman's voice. The love she obviously felt for her young nephew. But she couldn't suppress the welling of her own feelings at the sight of her ex. He had caused her pain. A great deal of pain. Why should she help him now?_

There was a lull in the conversation. Jag was never a man you would exactly call chatty. Still, we both sat there, nursing our whiskies, lost in thought. It was a comfortable silence. And that was when I felt it, a presence I had not sensed in...  
I whirled and a cry died in my throat.  
There she was, standing behind me, looking hesitant. I would have been so much more hesitant had I been in her place. In fact, I wouldn't have bothered approaching myself at all!  
Out of the corner of my eye I noticed a milky white gown disappearing into the crowd. _Aunt Leia!_  
The bar-stool beside me had also emptied itself most mysteriously. I was on my own with this vision in green.  
"Ben?"  
"Wha-what are you doing here... Gwen?" I finally managed to blurt out, nearly choking on her name. I hoped it wasn't rude or anything.  
She fidgeted with her gloves. Clearly this hadn't been her idea.  
"How-how have you been?" she mumbled.  
I didn't want to talk about it. I turned back, sullenly, downed the remainder of my drink, and said to no one in particular.  
"Terrible."  
She came up to me this time, gingerly seating herself on the stool Jag had just vacated.  
"How many of those have you had already?" she asked quietly.  
I looked down at my glass, startled. I hadn't even bothered to keep count.  
"I...I don't know."  
"It doesn't help, Ben."  
Just the sound of her voice rekindled so many memories, so many regrets. I didn't know why she'd come to talk to me. I wished she would just leave. So I remained silent, keeping my gaze strictly averted from her, staring blankly ahead.  
"I-I heard about you and Myri, Ben. I'm sorry it didn't work out."  
"Are you?!"  
Something inside me exploded at the reminder.  
"Why should you be? Your father hates me. He seems intent on ruining my life as vengeance. Well, I hope he's happy now!"  
Gwen frowned at me, her sympathy quickly turning to anger.  
"You're pathetic, you know that? My father has every right to be angry with you!"  
"And what about you, Gwen? Are you angry? Do you hate me too?"  
She looked at me intently for a long while. It was disconcerting. The whiskies were beginning to make themselves felt and I was slightly light-headed.  
"No," she said, finally.  
"I don't hate you. You told me the truth. Awful timing, but still."  
She smiled dimly.  
I ran a hand over my face and sighed. She wasn't making this any easier.  
"Why are you here, Gwen? Why are you being nice to me? I don't even deserve it."  
"Maybe that's not for you to judge, Ben. Look, I'm not here to be opportunistic and try and get us back together, but I do still care about you. And I know you'll always care about me, no matter who you end up falling in love with."  
She shook her head, as if I was a small child refusing to see something so obvious right in front of me.  
"We had something for a while there. You can't just switch it off like a glow-rod. But you need to move on, Ben."  
"I have."  
"Not from me. From Myri, too, maybe."  
"I have."  
She looked at me with open scepticism.  
"To what? The bottle? You know, I didn't want to return to Coruscant again, I thought I couldn't face you again. But my mom and your aunt made me. And I think they were right. I think I can move on with my own life now and I think you need to do the same. Take a good, long look at yourself, Ben. You look like a wreck!"  
I managed to grin wryly at her.  
"Thanks for rubbing it in! You don't look too bad yourself!"  
She smiled with something of her old coyness.  
"You really think so?"  
I nodded affirmatively.  
"You look beautiful, Gwen."

"So will you take her back, too?" I asked quietly, after we'd sat together in only a faintly awkward silence for a while.  
"Who?" She turned questioning eyes towards me.  
"Myri."  
She looked away and didn't reply.  
"She used to be your friend, Gwen."  
"Yeah, used to be," she finally said, bitterly.  
I shrugged.  
"Well, now she doesn't have me either."  
"And whose fault is that?!"  
I looked at her in surprise.  
"If you can forgive me, surely you can find it in your heart to forgive her, Gwen!"  
"She betrayed me," she whispered through clenched teeth.  
"She told you the truth," I pointed out firmly.  
Gwen looked at me and I could see tears in her eyes.  
"She's always had you in her hand, hasn't she? She's the one you swore your heart to before you even met me! How come she didn't realize it until you and I got together, huh? She wanted what was mine!"  
Her reaction was like a slap in the face.  
"Wait... so if you can't have me, you... don't even want me to be with her?!"  
"Look at what she's done to you, Ben! You're a good man, a kind and honest man. Has she ever done anything except play with your feelings?!"  
I stood up in a sudden rage.  
"I love her, Gwen. I will always love her. Even if the Universe conspires to keep us apart, I will love her till my dying breath."  
"You're so blinded by what you call love, Ben! Choose anyone! Any woman, any man, any beast, and you'll have my blessing, but don't keep _torturing_ yourself like this!"  
I was speechless.  
"Ben, listen to me. Let her go. And stay away from her. It was never meant to be! I'm not saying this for myself, but I can't bear to see you like this!"  
_Never meant to be? No! She can't mean it!_  
"I'm sorry, Gwen, but you don't understand," I said helplessly, "That is something I cannot do."  
The tears shimmered, threatening to spill down her fair cheeks, but she reined them in tightly.  
"My father was right, then. Go rot in your own hell, Ben Skywalker! You deserve no one's pity."  
She pulled her stole firmly around herself, turned around and marched out of my life.

I realized I was shaking. I staggered to a back door and let myself out into a service alley-way behind the building and slid down the wall, sobbing uncontrollably, letting the fear that her words might be true overwhelm me.  
I had discovered I could feel again. And the pain was unbearable.

**A/N: There ain't no bottom like rock-bottom! But you know what they say, if there's no further you can fall, the only way to go is up. See you guys Toosday! ;P**


	13. Chapter 12: Part I

**A/N: This might seem like I'm going off-topic from the main story, but trust me, it's an important diversion regarding what happens next! **

**Chapter 12 turned out to be really huge as it spans a certain period of time and encapsulates a few crucial events till our story is to resume again. So I split it up into three parts. Here's the first part. The next two will be posted as per my usual posting schedule. Enjoy and review! **

The years drew on. I had started a new chapter in my life. That of a dedicated Knight of the New Jedi Order.

Eventually, I learned to get over Myri. It took a long, long time, a lot of personal effort, an endless well of patience from the family and not inconsiderable quantities of liquour. But I learnt from the withdrawal. I learnt the importance of the cold. It was a cold, detached objectiveness. To shut down your heart, clamp down on it and lock up all feelings and use only your brain. I had learnt how to control my emotions at last, to be able to switch them on and off at will. It was quite a relief, actually. That was my grey. It was the only way I could find to keep the Dark Side at bay.

I concentrated on my Jedi training, honing my skills to the point of obsessiveness. As a result, I quickly grew through the ranks. Dad was aging, it was becoming more and more evident as the days went by, if not to anyone else, atleast to me. I sat with him a lot more these days, asking him for lessons. He was pleasantly surprised. We would talk philosophy and ethics, how to negotiate the Light from the Dark, and even about flying. Slowly I was learning and preparing to take over the reins, learning patience and responsibility.

I went up to my Aunt Leia and asked her to teach me politics and diplomacy. She was surprised, to say the least! If there was one thing that I had come to realize deeply distressed me, it was continuous war and pointless deaths. Call it war-weariness. In a little over twenty years I had seen more warfare than I should have and I was sick of it. But I didn't choose Jacen's way. Or even my Dad's endless hopefulness. I turned to someone else altogether as my role model. Since the first time he had responded to my touch through the Force, I had kept up a link with my namesake, the original Negotiator, Obi-Wan Kenobi. He had been hesitant, initially, to mentor yet another Skywalker. Could we not leave him in peace even in death? I refused him that mercy, plaguing him through our meditative encounters with my doubts and philosophical queries, my anxieties regarding my legacy, whether I would ever be able to live upto my father's legend in my lifetime, and slowly I began to gain a certain degree of insight and wisdom. In one sphere we agreed and differed from my father's rule, and that was the role of Jedi in politics. Dad no longer looked favourably on our involving ourselves in the political affairs of the Galactic Alliance unless it posed a direct threat to us. He had withdrawn us completely from state affairs with only a token presence to serve as a reminder to the GA that we still existed. But I believed such a drastic measure could turn out to be a mistake. We had been caught unprepared before. Mom had been right. Dad really was too much of a farmboy. Still. Having grown up in the bustling urban heart that was Coruscant, the melee of politics was far less intimidating to me than it was repulsive to Dad. I agreed to a basic policy of detachment, but thought that we should always keep ourselves abreast of galactic goings-on. Information was a powerful weapon. Our enemies had used it to their advantage in the past. We should take their lesson to heart. And as for diplomacy, I had seen Aunt Leia's charm succeed far too many times to discount its viability over lightsabers. Perhaps it was the Senators in my blood talking.

I argued with Obi-Wan and later with Aunt Leia.

_If I could cut a deal to prevent a war, I should, then, shouldn't I?  
_  
_But some deals might just be worse than expending lives._  
_  
Well then, I'll just have to learn how to not let things get to a point like that._  
_  
Be careful..._  
_  
Don't worry, Jacen will always stand as an example to me of just how badly power can go wrong._

As my understanding of the Force expanded with time, my powers grew as well. They both scared and excited me. I had to learn control. I had vastly improved my lightsaber skills from what they had once been, and had sought to master all the forms of lightsaber combat there were to offer. That had turned out to be a little too ambitious. But under the guidance of Battlemaster Katarn and my father, I had become adept enough to duel them both on par and Master Kenobi had even imparted his knowledge of _Soresu _ to me from beyond the Force.  
And I had other influences as well. Being my mother's son and my uncle's nephew, I had enough respect for a blaster to keep atleast a hold-out in my sleeve at all times, and my mother's last gift to me, her Imperial-era vibroblade, remained tucked in my boot like a charm. They had all saved my life on more than one occasion. And I carried one other weapon. Anakin Skywalker's lightsaber. My grandfather's lightsaber, our sole heirloom, passed down to Dad by Obi-Wan Kenobi and then given to my Mom for her having relinquished the Dark Side and maybe something more by Dad, and eventually her bequeathing it to me when I had been deemed fit to wield my first lightsaber. My weapons were more than simply weapons, they were talismans and reminders, of those who had given everything to protect me, of those who had bought me a future with their lives and of things that were worth fighting for in the end.  
Besides, I learned from my enemies too.

* * *

I had other joys in my life as well. I now had an apprentice, even though I was not yet officially a Master: Allana. She was a teenager now, and I in my early twenties. She had been thirteen when the Council had sought to provide her with a Master after having graduated her from the Academy. She had still been learning the ways of the Hapan court from her mother, Tenel Ka Djo, Queen Mother of the Hapes Consortium, and had to spend a lot of time away from the Jedi, fulfilling her role as the Hapan _Chume'da. _ The choice had been thought to be obvious. Dad had promoted Jaina to the rank of Master during our trouble with the Lost Tribe. It was unofficially taken for granted that Jaina would take her niece under her wing. But something rankled me about that. It shouldn't have, but it did.

I was running up the steps of the Temple, heading for the Council meeting where the announcement was to be made when a waving nexu tail from behind one of the pillars in the Temple's central hallway arrested my attention. I approached cautiously. Anji could get jumpy when startled. I leaned against the pillar, arms folded, looking down at the small figure huddled beside her protective nexu.  
"I believe Master Cilghal has protested enough times about you bringing Anji along to the Temple," I pointed out mildly.  
"Yeah, well, that's coz she's scared of her."  
I shrugged.  
"We should respect the Masters' fears as well as our own, shouldn't we?"  
Anji was staring up at me with her multiple eyes. Allana's were still focussed firmly on the floor.  
"I thought Jedi aren't supposed to fear."  
"Well, you aren't _ supposed_ to bring Anji in here either, are you? Yet here she is, and here you are and here I am wondering what you're doing playing hide-and-seek when you should be attending your appointment meeting like the good ickle Padawan that you are."  
My young cousin finally scowled at my gentle ribbing.  
"Ah! There's the 'Lana I know!"  
"Whatever, Ben! I just want to be alone for a while, ok?"  
"Don't have the time for that, kid. The meeting starts in 10 and you know the look Dad gives to late-comers."  
I tried mimicking my father's stern Grand Master glare. When she made no move to respond, I cocked my head to one side and frowned slightly.  
"What's up? Why are you avoiding this?"  
"Donwananjainatbemymaster."  
I regarded her patiently.  
"In Basic, please."  
"I said I don't want Aunt Jaina to be my Master, ok?!"  
I raised my eyebrows in surprise.  
"Oh? And why not?"  
Allana lifted her shoulders.  
"I just don't."  
This time I hunkered down and joined her on the floor.  
"You wanna talk about it? Coz you better have a pretty good explanation prepared for the Council."  
She fidgeted. I wrapped a brotherly arm around her. Allana had always been like the little sister I'd never had. I could sense some of her uncertainty through the Force. I frowned. A particularly dark thought touched my senses.  
"Allana?"  
I turned her to face me, all joking left aside.  
"What's the matter?"  
She looked away and her shoulders slumped.  
"I-I can't bring myself to trust her, Ben." Her voice was barely above a sigh.  
I was shocked.  
"I-I know it's a terrible thing to say and I know she loves me and all, but..."  
My heart sank and I pulled the girl into my arms. I understood the shadow hanging over her inner conflict now. It was a shadow that had plagued me too when I'd been younger. Jacen. Or rather, Darth Caedus. Allana's father. On some level, her aunt having had to kill her father, however evil he might have been, must have left her disturbed. Enough not to feel safe with her anymore! Poor Jaina! This would shatter her!  
"'Lana, look-" I began to say, but she stood up abruptly.  
"Come on, Ben. We'd better not be late."  
I looked at her in surprise once again.  
"What? I thought-"  
"I shouldn't be thinking this way. It's silly."  
Her eyes were clouded, steeled to do what she had to. My heart ached for her. I shook my head, muttering to myself as I took hold of Anji's leash,  
"It's not silly, kiddo. Not even a little bit."

I had a report to submit to the Council regarding my previous mission before the main business of deciding upon Allana's Master got underway. My feelings had been thrown into turmoil by Allana's confession and I had been desperately trying to think of a way to spare her this conflict. But I clamped down on any unnecessary thoughts in front of the Jedi Council and presented my report flawlessly. I noticed the pride in Dad's eyes as he nodded at times to what I had to say, but as I stepped aside, to make way for Allana, I could also sense him watching me. He realized, of course, there was more on my mind and I knew he would want to discuss it later.  
I noticed Jaina had her best Jedi robes on today, not a spot of flight grease anywhere on them! I smiled faintly in her direction and got a bright smile in return. I could sense her excitement, even though she tried to mask it in the Force. I stared down at the floor, standing discreetly to one side of the Council chamber, biting my lip and wondering what I could do to help my young cousin. Jaina deserved this opportunity to mentor somebody. By the time her twins, Davin and Cherian, grew up, I hoped to have become a Master and be able to take atleast one of them under my tutelage. I knew Jaina had wanted to become Allana's Master for a long time now, if only to atone for the fact that she had been forced to kill the poor girl's father. It would go a long way in mending the relationship between them which had always been under an unspoken strain since Allana had been told the truth about her heritage. I knew it in my heart that the Council would never agree if I stepped in and offered to become Allana's Master. I wasn't even a Master yet! And probably had a lot to learn and prove before I could become one. Would it be terribly selfish of me if I even proposed the offer? _Yes _, I decided, _it would_. So I just stood back and watched the proceedings play out in front of me, trying to ignore the niggles of doubt assaulting me through the Force.

"Padawan Allana Djo Solo, the Jedi Council has deemed you ready to leave the graces of the Jedi Academy and enter into apprenticeship under an individual Master. Does this decision find favour with you, Padawan?"  
Allana was dwarfed by all the luminaries of the Jedi Council as she stood, petite and alone, in the centre of the hall. I found myself thinking that maybe if Aunt Leia could have been here,she might have felt a bit more reassured. She nodded her head slowly, not even looking towards my father as he pronounced this upon her. No doubt he put it down to mere nervousness.  
"Very well. If the Council are all agreed, we hereby appoint Jedi Master Jaina Solo to be your Master, Allana."  
Her head shot up and I thought she might just be about to protest. I saw Jaina, leaving her seat to come and stand beside her new apprentice, a big grin on her face. Allana felt Jaina's hand rest softly on her shoulder and she closed her mouth, returning her gaze to the floor.  
The pressure at the back of my head was growing more and more insistent with every second. The_ Force_ wanted me to do something about this! Throwing pragmatism to the winds, I stunned everyone by stepping forward to the centre.  
"Grand Master," I said, addressing my father, "If I may, I would very much appreciate an opportunity to take Allana on as my Padawan apprentice. With the approval of the Council, of course."  
I bowed and waited for the axe to fall.

For a full two minutes, there was stunned silence in the Council chamber. All eyes were on me, but I didn't divert my gaze from my father's for a second. I could feel Jaina's shocked stare and Allana's surprise radiating towards my left. My father's brows slowly constricted into a thunderous frown as he digested what I had just had the audacity to say.  
"Jedi Skywalker...you can't be_ serious_!" he finally exclaimed, breaking the silence. A hum of murmurs steadily rose all around me, but I stood my ground.  
"You are not ready to take on an apprentice yet. You have not been promoted to Jedi Master. This Padawan needs to be under the guidance of someone with a great deal of experience. You have much left to learn."  
I had fully expected to be shot down like this.  
"It is the will of the Force, Grand Master. I have felt it."  
Dad was still frowning as he leaned forward to say softly,  
"Well, the Force has not spoken to me about it, Ben."  
I continued to look into my father's eyes, willing him to believe me.  
"Dad, I'm serious about this. I have felt it. Please! You must believe me!"  
He leaned back in his seat, steepling his fingers together in front of him.  
"And why not Jaina? What makes you think you're more worthy than her?"  
I stole a glance at her at this, hoping she would see the apology in my eyes. I hadn't meant to upstage her like this. But she turned her head away when she sensed me looking at her.  
I stated simply.  
"The Force."  
Dad looked irritated.  
"Why would the Force only speak to you about this matter and not to me when it's me who is making this decision?"  
I shrugged, uncertainly.  
"I... don't know, Grand Master."  
He gave me a long, calculating look, then said, addressing the entire Council.  
"Is there any Master present who agrees that Jedi Skywalker should be given the responsibility of taking on a Padawan learner?"  
The murmurs became softer. I didn't bother to look around me. I could feel all the Masters in the Force. I felt Kyp Durron's resolve waver towards me, but then recede again. Not a single one of them thought I was old enough, mature enough or experienced enough to be given the responsibility of coaching Allana. They were right, I knew, but their lack of faith in me hurt somewhere.  
Dad cast a glance around the chamber and seeing no one in support, nodded decisively, as if he'd known all along.  
"I'm sorry, Jedi Skywalker. The Council is not ready to grant you your request... at this time. And neither am I."  
He said the last bit softly, only to me. His expression very clearly said we would be discussing my overreaching later. There was nothing I could do. I bowed my head in defeat before the mandate of the Council but felt a small warm hand slip into mine. Looking sideways I saw Allana smile gratefully and squeeze my hand in sympathy. I gave a little shrug to indicate that I'd done the best I could. But the Force did not relent in it's insistence. I felt more disturbed than ever. I bowed to the Grand Master and the Jedi Council and took my leave. I needed to meditate.

"Ben! Wait!"  
I heard Allana's high-pitched call and the spatter of her running footsteps. I stopped and slowly turned to face her, carefully masking the disappointment still fresh in my heart. She came up to me and earnestly looked up into my eyes.  
"I want you to train me too, Ben. I want _you_ to be my Master, not Aunt Jaina!"  
I folded my arms patiently across my chest.  
"Thank you for your faith, Allana. It means a lot to me. But we must respect the decision of the Council in this. You understand that, don't you?"  
She bit her lip and then nodded, once.  
"They are right," I added, more gently, "I'm not a Master, yet. But Jaina is. She loves you, 'Lana, and will train you well."  
"I know."  
'Lana's voice was miserable.  
"But I'd still rather be _your_ apprentice."  
I smiled down affectionately at her.  
"I'm afraid a lot of the time we can't get what we want, kiddo."  
"And why not?" a new voice chimed in.  
Allana whirled, flushing at being caught, to see her aunt striding towards us. My eyes narrowed just a little bit.  
"Maybe you just have to ask nicely."  
She grinned down at her niece.  
"The Council is right in its decision, Jaina. You're the Master. I shouldn't have come forward. It was too... presumptuous of me."  
Jaina held my gaze steadily.  
"Do you think you can train her properly, Ben?"  
I looked at the floor, doubtfully.  
"Probably not as well as you or one of the other Masters," I mumbled.  
"Do you want to?"  
I realized I did. Yes! I wanted this! I wanted to take on this massive responsibility. And not just to prove myself. There was more to it than just me proving a point to Dad, or the Council. I loved Allana. She was as close to a baby sister as I was ever gonna get. And... it would be my way of regaining a sense of purpose in my life after...Jacen..Mom..Myri... I _needed _ this.  
Jaina's tone was sympathetic. I nodded.  
"Yes."  
She placed a reassuring hand on my shoulder.  
"I have the utmost confidence in you, little brother," she announced decisively.  
Allana's eyes lit up like twin stars.  
"Really, Aunt Jaina? You'll let me go with Ben?"  
She smiled and nodded down at the excited young girl, but not before holding up an admonishing finger.  
"But you won't train her alone, Ben. Atleast not yet. You can be named her Master, but she is to be allowed to learn from all of us. And," she jabbed the finger in my direction, "You will not hesitate to approach me or Uncle Luke if there's _any_ problem! Understood?"  
I looked at her with mixed feelings of gratitude and uncertainty.  
"I...I'm still not sure, Jen..."  
"Hey," she said, clapping me on my back, " Kenobi was no Master when Grandfather got apprenticed to him."  
I winced.  
"Bad example, sis. We all know how _that_ turned out!"  
Jaina cocked an eyebrow at me.  
"And we all _know _ it wasn't his fault."  
I snorted.  
"Yeah! Try telling _him _ that!"  
She smirked.  
"See? There's another hand you can have to hold! Now come on. We'd better go find Uncle Luke."  
She turned and started back down the hallway, Allana and me following behind.  
"Dad'll never agree," I pointed out.  
Jaina sighed in exasperation.  
"Well we'll never know until we ask him, _will we _?"  
Allana rushed forward and squeezed Jaina around the middle.  
"Thank you, Aunt Jaina! Thank you so much!"  
"You don't have to do this for me, Jen," I said softly.  
She didn't look at me, continuing to march ahead.  
"I'm doing this for Allana."  
I smiled at her back. She was doing it for _both_ of us.

Dad regarded Allana and me as if we were two errant children. This irked me more than Allana who, after all, was still a child.  
"I cannot understand how you two would defy me like that! Calling me out in front of the entire High Council! I cannot have you questioning my authority like that, Ben, you must understand."  
"I know, Dad. I'm sorry."  
"You even risked humiliating Jaina!"  
"Uncle Luke, if he says the Force spoke to him, then maybe we ought to listen."  
Dad looked at Jaina, then at me and then sighed.  
"I'm sorry, but Allana's future hangs in the balance here. I cannot change my decison so lightly. Ben, you are too inexperienced to take on an apprentice yet. Jaina...I thought you wanted this. Unless the Force sends me a clear signal that this would not be in Allana's best interests, my decision stands."  
I looked at Jaina desperately, but even she didn't know what else to do to make Dad change his mind. I grabbed hold of his hand.  
"Dad, sit with me. Let me show you what I've seen. Maybe then you'll realize how serious we are."  
Dad looked perplexed, nevertheless, he agreed to join me in meditation. He and I sat facing each other, calming our minds, slipping into a meditative state. I let my shields down so that he could enter my mind, focussing on the images and feelings I'd received from the Force while in the Council chamber.  
My father's presence was like a warm and bright glow, calm, familiar and reassuring. I had felt it even before I had been born, and many, many times in the years since. Now it felt puzzled as he shared my thoughts. We melded as one as he, too, experienced my doubts and confusion about this decision.  
All of a sudden, the images went black. I felt a tightening in my chest, as if all my breath was being squeezed out of me. My vision swirled and I began to see new images, much clearer than before. I saw a large figure in a hooded dark cloak, with tattoos around his eyes, dressed in some sort of armour, duelling with a slender woman, also wearing a cloak, but with flowing dark auburn hair. They both wielded red lightsabers. The vision changed and the man was seated on a throne with the woman standing just behind him to the right, both their faces were hooded once more. I almost retched. I had no idea who the dark man was, but I harboured no doubt as to the woman. I had seen Allana all grown up. But she had turned to the Dark Side! She had become a Sith Lady! The man appeared to be a Sith Lord and maybe... Allana's Master!

After what seemed like ages, the pressure on my chest eased and I snapped my eyes open, disoriented by my surroundings. I found myself lying flat on the floor as three faces looked down on me in concern.  
"Ben!"  
Allana looked like she was almost in tears. I struggled to sit up and felt Jaina move to assist me.  
"Wha-? Dad?"  
I looked over to see my father was also sitting up, his face pale and his look haunted. Suddenly he looked very old and tired. I tried to go to him, but Jaina pushed me down.  
"No, Ben," she commanded, "Sit. I've commed Cilghal, she's on her way. Allana, would you get them some water please?"  
Allana nodded and hurried out of the room. I was still looking at Dad.  
"Did-did you see that…too?"  
He nodded, running a weary hand slowly through his now almost entirely grey hair.  
"What- who was that?"  
"I'm guessing you two had a vision?" Jaina put in, looking from one to the other curiously.  
"What happened?" I asked her.  
"Well, you two joined in the Force meld and the next thing we saw you two were writhing as if in terrible pain. We tried to wake you, but both of you were blocked in the Force. We couldn't reach you. Uncle Luke regained consciousness before you did, Ben. You were out for a good ten minutes."  
I let out a long breath, slowly feeling the strength return to my limbs and my mind recover from shock. Allana was back with glasses of water followed closely by Cilghal. I insisted I was fine, but fixing me with her bulbous glare, she hustled Dad and me into the infirmary for a quick check-up.

Dad hadn't spoken the whole while. Once Cilghal had ascertained that we had only suffered from "Dark-vision-shock" and nothing else was seriously wrong with us, she let us go. To her credit she refrained from asking us about what we had seen, although I could see she was bursting with curiosity. She assumed Dad would tell her in his own time.  
As we came outside, Dad leaned heavily against me. I was surprised, but supported his weight gladly.  
"You've been working yourself too hard, Dad," I said, quietly.  
"I wish you'd listen to me sometimes and take it a bit easy."  
"Maybe you're right, son," he said, unusually dispirited, "I suddenly feel like I'm getting too old for this."  
"About time!" I quipped.  
He let out a sigh.  
"Take her, Ben. You were right. The vision was clear enough. I pray that you will be able to prevent such catastrophe from befalling us."  
I should have been exhilarated at this recognition from my father, but I remained subdued. The vision had shaken me as much as it had obviously shaken him.  
"Dad... that-that wasn't what I'd seen before. That was entirely new, even for me."  
Dad looked at me and nodded.  
"But you were right, nevertheless. For whatever reason, if Allana is apprenticed to Jaina, she will succumb to the Dark Side."  
"Who was that man in the vision, Dad? Did you recognize him?"  
Dad stood still, gazing out into the distance for a long time. Finally, he bent his head.  
"No. I didn't."

Our first lesson took place in one of the more secluded meditation chambers within the Temple. I sat, waiting for Allana, nervous. She barged into the room, breathless, soon after. I motioned for her to take the seat in front of me and waited for her to collect herself. My heart was beating so loudly, I was afraid half the Temple would be able to hear it. I took a deep breath.  
"Before we begin, there's something important I must ask of you, Allana."  
I looked straight into her eyes, willing her to understand the import of my request.  
"You know I love you, 'Lana. I would do anything you ask of me. But..."  
Her soft brown eyes looked back at me, filled with concern.  
"Please don't ever ask me to forgive... **him.** That is something I cannot do."  
Something flickered in her expression. She could understand very well who it was I meant. But it hardened into resolve again. She nodded, once.  
"I won't, Ben. I promise."  
I slowly let out the breath I hadn't realized I'd been holding.


	14. Chapter 12 Part II

******A/N: I would finally like to welcome my second OC into my SW universe. He's taken some time in coming, but as you'll get to see, he does like a grand entrance! Bit of jumping with events in time again here. But I don't think it should be too tough to follow the continuity. Enjoy folks!**

**Part II**

The_ Sky-Blue_ was my first ship. It was an ugly old thing, a beat-up, heavily modified JS-77B Interstellar. I had whined for years after becoming a Jedi Knight for a transport of my own. I needed it, I said. Missions required me to travel long distances, and occasionally be pursued by other ships. With guns. Finally, Dad threw up his hands and relented.  
"What? The Temple's ships aren't good enough for you?"  
"Daaaaaad! They're so _slow_! I'd get shot out of space in 10 seconds flat! And I need something bigger than a StealthX."  
Dad wagged a finger at me.  
"No StealthX for you. Those things are frightfully expensive."  
"I don't want a stupid StealthX."  
"You only call them stupid because you still haven't mastered how to fly them."  
"What am I going to do with a fighter that barely has room for one person?! I was thinking more along the lines of a modified shuttle."  
"A _SHUTTLE_?!"  
"Yeah. You know, something with a bit of room for passengers or cargo. You never know when you might need me to come save your arthritic behind from some space-forsaken planet or another."  
"I'm not sure you can handle a shuttle on your own, Ben."  
"_Daaaaad_! I'm _21_!"  
He gave me a withering glare.  
"Sure doesn't sound like it."  
I nearly pouted. Dad heaved a weary sigh, long and loud.  
"Alright. You win. But you'll be doing the paying for this one. I've suffered being your credit chip long enough!"

Jaina, Uncle Han and Dad regarded the ship with similar expressions: arms crossed over chest, pursed lips, stern look of disapproval in their eyes. I chewed my lip thoughtfully.  
"Well... with a bit of work, maybe..."  
Lando Calrissian swept his arm around in an expansive gesture.  
"What? It's a classic!"  
"A classic wreck you mean," said Dad.  
Uncle Lando shrugged.  
"Maybe it could use a paint job, but trust me, the _Falcon_ wasn't in much better shape when I got her!"  
Uncle Han looked at him sharply.  
"You mean when _I_ got her."  
Uncle Lando looked wounded.  
"Hey, I treated that ship like it was my wife. With love, respect and utter devotion."  
Jaina smirked.  
"Knocked her up a bit, too, didn't you?"  
"I'm telling you, you won't get a deal like this anywhere else in the galaxy!"  
I nodded vehemently.  
"That's true. Uncle Han, that cruiser we saw on Ord Mantell was worse off, wasn't it? You said it would probably disintegrate on take-off!"  
He scratched his head.  
"Oh sure, kid. This'll probably hold till you leave the planet's atmosphere!"

My shoulders slumped in dejection. I looked ruefully at the 50 year-old ship lying rusted and neglected in its corner of the junkyard on Kessel. It was painted an enamel blue which must have been lurid enough to act as a weapon on its own when it had been new. Now, it was only visible in patches where it hadn't flaked off or been scored off the now rusting hull. The pilots of the family were probably right. It would need a complete overhaul, including fresh metal plating to be even remotely serviceable again and that was probably not worth it for such an old ship. I wondered why Uncle Lando had even bothered to preserve it instead of turning it into scrap. I turned away from it, shoving my hands deep into my pockets and kicking absently at a broken tube.

Something had drawn me to the ship when Uncle Lando had proudly brought us up to it in the centre of his junk -and- scrap-yard on Kessel. It was a relic of a crash which had taken place long ago, before the Calrissians had arrived on the planet. Uncle Lando's junkyard had grown up around this original piece. Uncle Han and I had been scouting for months for a second-hand starship I could afford. Needless to say, our choices had been limited. Even my uncle's legendary bargaining skills, with a blaster or without, had not been enough to keep some interested salesbeings from simply shrugging in surrender and walking away. But this ship had really caught my eye even though it was one of the worst wrecks we'd seen. I was sure there had to be a story behind it's last voyage which had left it junked here, of all places. I really wanted to be able to salvage it and render it spaceworthy again. To my mind, it was crying out for a second chance, blue paint and all, and I felt awful giving up on it. Trouble was, I wasn't the mechanic my uncle or my dad or even my cousin were. So, just as I'd always done as a small child, I'd called them all here, pointed them at my broken toy and demanded they fix it. In all my life, there had never been a single thing atleast one of them couldn't fix.

I felt an arm drape around my hunched shoulders and looked up to see Uncle Lando grinning cheekily at me.  
"You really think this is the most irredeemable pile of junk you're uncle has seen in _his_ long space-faring life? I've seen him _fix_ far worse than this! All he needs is the right motivation. You just leave him up to me a'right?"  
Sure enough, the next morning I woke to find only Tendra and Chance at the breakfast table. As I frowned quizzically, Tendra gave a long-suffering sigh and indicated downwards, to the Calrissians large underground hangars. I stepped in to find Uncle Lando standing just within the entrance, nursing a cup of caf and wearing a large, smug smile. And there in the centre, with sounds of muffled whirring and clanging coming from deep inside it, stood the future _Sky-Blue_, now wobbling unsteadily on it's struts again.  
"I told you so," he said, his grin widening at the sight of my mouth hanging open in amazement.

"I beat him at sabacc," Uncle Lando answered simply to my unasked question.  
"Challenged him to a game, bet him he couldn't fix that old flying tin trunk and the rodder fell for it! Of course, he had to prove me wrong anyway. I believe Jaina woke up in the middle of the night. She must've felt him swearing through the Force or something and came down to join him. And as for your dad," he shrugged.  
"You know him. He-"  
"Can't leave an unrepaired ship in a hangar overnight," I finished for him, feeling an exulted grin form on my face simultaneously as tears pricked the back of my eyes.  
Damn my family! They could be so kriffing_ fantastic_ sometimes!

I had the misfortune of coming up against Ship in my very first encounter while piloting my spanking newly-modified_ Sky-Blue._ I could hear the Sith sphere literally laughing in mockery of my new vessel in my head as I twisted and turned, being battered by enemy fire but still somehow managing to stay alive. When I hobbled to a landing on Coruscant, the ship was almost back to the state we had found it in in Uncle Lando's scrapyard. Uncle Han slapped his palm to his face. Dad sighed. _Sky-Blue_ would obviously need to be protected not only from external attack, but also against my piloting skills.

* * *

It's not as though she didn't haunt me anymore. Myri, that is. And it isn't that I had any lack of other offers of romantic attachment in the years that came and went. I simply chose the way of non-attachment this time, and refused to court love. Which is not to say I took a vow of complete celibacy. I tended more toward a decadent fulfilment of my sexual desires, and every so often, I would disappear for the night only to return, sated and composed the next day.

There was a brief attempt, once, to bring me to the attention of Jysella Horn. It was actually rather embarrassing.  
Valin Horn came up to me, looking flushed, almost as though he were embarrassed about something.  
"Hey-uh-Ben, can I talk to you for a second?"  
I raised an eyebrow but readily acquiesced.  
"Sure. What about?"  
The redness tinging his features grew deeper.  
"Uh-well, actually, it's-uh-kinda about my sister."  
I frowned in concern.  
"Jysella? What's up? Is she in some kinda trouble?"  
He looked at me with a queasy look on his face.  
"Ummm...well, there_ is_ a problem..."  
"Spit it out, Val. What can I do?"  
"Ummm...could you, like, you know...go out with her?"  
You could have heard a credit drop. I stood rooted to the spot, unable to believe my ears.  
"What?" I said, very softly, hoping it was some sort of prank.  
Valin literally squirmed under my piercing gaze.  
"It's like this, Ben...She...my sister-Jysella, I mean,well... she kinda likes you."  
"She likes me?"  
"Ummm...yeah."  
"Why?"  
It came out in sheer incredulity. Valin was non-plussed for a second.  
"Well, you know, she-she told me she has...feelings for you..."  
"She's more than ten years older to me! Aren't I a little too young to be her type?"  
Valin grimaced.  
"Yeah, that's what I told her. I mean, no offence, but... Apparently she fancies you, now that you're more...mature. She said you've grown up a lot more than we give you credit for. Look," he threw up his hands, "She says she'd like it if you would go on a date with her, but you're...difficult to approach, so she wanted me to put in a word for her, seein' as you and me are buds, that's all."  
"Jysella likes me?"  
I was still having a lot of trouble grasping this fact. I had never, ever, for a single moment seen Jysella in a romantic light before. And yes, for obvious reasons, I had been, well, unapproachable to women for a while now. I preferred it that way.  
"Hey, how 'bout you go on one dinner with her, huh? Talk it out between the two of you. It's not like I'm too keen on this either, but I promised..."  
My indignation flared.  
"Why? What's wrong with me? I'm not good enough for your sister?"  
Valin was stunned.  
"No, no! I mean, come on, Ben. You're not even into her, are you? You're way too young for her! She ought to pick someone more her...contemporary."  
I smarted at that. It raked up altogether too unpleasant memories. I scowled at him.  
"I'll pick her up Saturday. 7 sharp."

Although I was a little intrigued by Jysella Horn's sudden (was it sudden? Or had it been something I'd simply failed to notice?) fascination with me, I simply couldn't find it in myself to reciprocate. What was it with the daughters of ex-Rogues and me?! Was I accursed? And I knew far better now than to get on the wrong side of Corran Horn (or even Mirax Terrik-Horn, for that matter!) as well. Besides, Valin was a good friend of mine and I intended to keep it that way. I obliged him by going on the one date with her, bought her dinner and politely broke the news that I wasn't interested in a relationship at the moment and would much prefer it if we could just remain friends. It was cliched and perhaps a little impersonal, but it was the best I could do. I could see she was surprised and a little dismayed by my new technique of coldness, because she looked at me for a long time without saying anything, but then nodded her assent. We shook hands and left.  
"Good luck, Ben," was all she said to me.  
I wasted myself for the rest of the night in my regular whore-house, expending myself until I collapsed from exhaustion into the blissful forgetfulness of sleep.

With the Sith threat having now firmly risen under the leadership of the Dark Lady Khai, I was more often than not engaged on the frontlines, or acting as an emissary to the Chief of State. Dad had staunchly refused to court any more politicians after the whole debacle with Daala. I would keep myself frantically busy, a focussed Jedi while on-planet, with training, meetings and other responsibilities. I wouldn't allow myself the luxury of letting my mind wander beyond the present moment. So it was on the spaceflights that it would all creep up on me. As I would sit up late at the controls, unable to sleep and with nothing left to do, the memories would leak back into the forefront of my mind and a slow pain would start tightening around my heart again. I would see her face, the way we had laughed, the way we had danced, her eyes as we'd made love, those same eyes, filled with tears, but otherwise hollow...  
I would find myself alone at the galley table, a bottle mysteriously half empty in front of me, staring into space, remembering, grieving for what could not be.  
When I would finally wake, after a drunken, exhausted sleep to find a blanket wrapped around me, that's how I would know Allana had been watching. And I would feel freshly ashamed of myself.  
She never once spoke about it though, whatever she might have seen. Except once. We had both been sitting quietly when she softly said,  
"You hurt so much for her. Why don't you go to her? Maybe-"  
"No."  
She had never questioned me about it again.

* * *

And so we come to it. The last time that I would meet Myri Antilles, inadvertently or otherwise, perhaps through the will of the Force. Perhaps not.

The Jedi High Council had lately become aware of a mysterious presence, one that reeked of darkness, slowly gathering outside the Outer Rim. It wasn't Abeloth, not yet, that much had been verified by an initial scout team, but still it's precise nature had been hard to identify. A larger mission-team needed to be sent out beyond the Corellian Run to investigate closely and ascertain the kind of threat it might pose to our galaxy. The Jedi Archives had been unable to shed any light on the matter, but there was another closely guarded resource which might have some information to help further the Jedi investigation into the matter. Only trouble was, it could not be requested to divulge the necessary information peacefully. On the advice of Talon Karrde, the unofficial intelligence czar, the Council had decided it was time to infiltrate and surreptitiously raid the data archives of CorSec.  
CorSec was one of the most efficient security force headquarters in the galaxy. Needless to say, it was going to be a high-risk operation. The Council had decided only one operative could be sent in, in disguise, to best assure our chances of success. I was now twenty-six years old. With my previous experience in the GAG police force, and against some of our darkest and most dangerous foes, I had volunteered readily for the mission. The Council had debated it heatedly, but had finally reluctantly agreed that perhaps I just might be able to get the job done. But I would not be allowed to take Allana with me. I would be completely on my own. Of course my young apprentice had seethed, both with indignation and worry, but in the face of the Masters' Council, she had had to hold her tongue. I had gone off to seek out Master Corran Horn. I would need his particular help with this one.

* * *

_Fletcher Dyce had no qualms admitting he was a no-good scumbag. He'd drunk and gambled and whored one night so many that his own mother had thrown him out of the house. He'd never been able to hold onto steady employment either. Sourcing smuggled goods that were brought in from off-world was by far the most lucrative job he'd held. _  
_The CorSec officers caught him with his pants down, in a dingy room in a cheap brothel, deep in the underbelly of Coronet City. He turned his almost babyish big eyes on the whore who'd sold him out to the coppers and blew her a kiss. She blew it right back. _  
_It was the little ironies like this that made sure Fletch never lost the smile on his face._

* * *

I felt a rush of elation as I was hustled brusquely down a dark lower level corridor of One CorSec Plaza. I licked my lip, the part where it had split, and felt the tang of fresh blood still oozing through it. The left side of my jaw throbbed. So far things were going according to plan.  
I had just gotten myself arrested by CorSec, as a smuggler dealing in contraband glitterstim, from Coronet City spaceport. Corran had advised me that the easiest way to gain entry into CorSec headquarters was by letting them take you in there themselves. Right now, I was placidly allowing two burly officers to throw me into lock-up, thinking I'd figure out how to break out later. They shoved me in a small cell and I lost my balance and sprawled unceremoniously on the floor. The door slid shut and I heard the crackle of an energy field being activated around it. I had a cell-mate. I could sense as much despite having shut myself down in the Force. He smelled. A dim light was activated so I could cast my eyes about our spartan accomodation. Two retractable bunks, that was all the furniture there was. I pulled mine out and sat on it heavily, trying my best to look dejected and beat. My mind was working furiously the whole time, trying to recall my steps through the corridors, trying to map out where the command centre and database would be located.  
The other guy peered at me curiously. For some reason, he seemed amused. Or maybe his face was just set that way. He was short, fat and his plump face was topped by long, unruly black curls. I lay back on the bunk with what I hoped sounded like a defeated sigh, mainly to get out of range of his faintly disconcerting stare.  
"So what'd they put you in here for?"  
Ah. He was the conversationalist type. I muttered a silent curse to myself.  
"Spice", I mumbled.  
He nodded wisely.  
"Sure, figures. 'Cept I don't believe you. I've seen you before."

I sat bolt upright so fast I knocked my head against the wall. He had to be messing with me! I was in disguise! Besides, I'd never seen the rodder in my life! He got up from his bunk and came over to peer at me even more closely. I shrank back from his stare in revulsion. He began to gesticulate in excitement.  
"I knew it! See, Fletcher Dyce never forgets a face. You're _that_ kid! I took you to the medcenter! You smashed in a speeder window with your bare hands!"  
My mind had shut down from shock. And just to make things worse, the cell door swooshed open at that very moment and in stepped a ghost from my past. The universe had to be conspiring against me, because of all the people on Corellia, it had to be precisely the very same ghost that had made me do all those things all those years ago that Fletcher was still babbling on about. With what wits I had left, I barrelled past the equally shocked figure in the doorway, and fled, racing before she could call for reinforcements.

_Myri Antilles was not having a good day. She was an officer in the Intelligence wing, but every so often, she would get called in on interrogation duty. It irked her no end. She would feel like a common cop when her calling was supposed to be higher. It wasn't her fault she was good at it. The stone-cold hardness in her eyes had the effect of unnerving most people and helping them spill their secrets. Now she'd gotten one of these special briefs again, after some small-time smuggle-hustler who was possibly tied into something big. She was always ill-tempered on assignments like these. They were a complete waste of her time. Therefore, she was not exactly what you'd call delicate on the touch-pad as she punched in the access code for the holding cell where they were keeping this small- time crook in order to take him up to the interrogation chamber for strict questioning. Caught up in her sour mood, she didn't really pay attention to the prisoner's frantic chatter, until his cell-mate burst through the door, almost knocking her over, running for his life. She snapped back in an instant as she dashed off in pursuit, yelling over her comlink for security reinforcements. In all of the sudden commotion, she realized she hadn't even gotten a good look at the escapee's face._

I couldn't believe my luck. It simply wasn't my day. Just when it had started out so promisingly._ Myri!_ What in kriff's name had _that_ been about?! Why why why had it had to be _her_ , of all people in the kriffing galaxy, to walk into my cell?! And what in the blessed name of the Force was she even _doing_ in CorSec?! Six years. It had been _Six. Kriffing. Years_ since I'd last laid eyes on her in the flesh, although not a single night had passed by in which she hadn't haunted my dreams. And now here she was, popping up just in time to ruin what could be the most important mission of my life! There was no doubt in my mind anymore that my cover had been blown. I'd have to make the speediest way off-planet possible. I made no pretence hiding my powers anymore, Force-shoving any personnel or droids out of my path, weaving and ducking and Force-blocking blaster stun-bolts. I leaped over the final couple of guards blocking the exit and slid under just as the blast doors almost came down on me and I was free. I didn't stop though, dashing through the crowded streets in the vaguely remembered direction of the city spaceport.

_Myri Antilles nearly screamed in frustration as the fugitive slid from view under the closing doorway and made good his escape. He was a Jedi?! What in the galaxy was he doing inside CorSec lock-up? He must've been in disguise. Well, who was he really then? Myri barked orders to get the blast doors open again and organize patrols to search for the runaway. She herself was about to head towards the patrol speeders and follow after him herself, when she caught sight of the other prisoner from his cell. He was panting heavily, apparently having followed after her himself. What in kriff's name was the matter with her today?!_  
_"Seize that man! He's under arrest! He's trying to escape too!"_  
_Fletch found himself instantly surrounded by CorSec guards and droids, having his arms wrenched behind his back and a pair of stun-cuffs being attached. He looked towards the female officer with an almost wounded expression._  
_"Please, ma'am. Hear me out! I've seen that man before. I remember his face!"_  
_Myri approached him, a furious frown still gracing her face._  
_"What is his name, then? Who is he?"_  
_Fletch tried to shrug, then winced as the cuffs bit painfully into his wrists._  
_"I- I don't know all that. It's just... I'd run into him here a few years ago. He's in disguise, ma'am, but I never forget a face. He's a Jedi, though, isn't he?"_  
_Myri's frown only deepened._  
_"Well, that's a fat lot of good! Do you know where he's going?"_  
_Fletch chewed his lip._  
_"If he's a Jedi in disguise, must mean he was here for a reason. I guess we just blew his cover. I think he'd best be looking for a way off-planet."_  
_Myri nodded curtly, turning back towards the exit._  
_Fletch saw this as his only opportunity._  
_"Hey! Ma'am! Wait! Don't you want to know how I know him earlier? Might help you figure out who he is!"_  
_Myri stopped in her tracks and appeared to consider something. Then she marched back to him._  
_"Right. You're coming with me. Leave the stun-cuffs on. I won't be losing two prisoners in one day!"_

I had to filch a speeder from a busy marketplace to get to the spaceport. I hardly had much headway and CorSec would soon be snapping on my tail. I drove like a madman with no regard for rules or safety and kicked up a wave of dust as I skidded to a halt outside the spaceport entrance. Vaulting over the side, I ran towards my ship, also disguised for this trip and re-christened the _Silverfish_. My Force senses were stretched to the maximum, the mayhem I had left in my wake had attracted way too much attention. This mission was crumbling around my feet. To my utter surprise, the ship's engines were already humming and she was primed to take-off! I sprinted on-board, frowning as I sensed an all too familiar presence in the direction of the cockpit. My insolent young apprentice was busily setting in co-ordinates and shifting the engines from standby to active as we looked set to make a relatively clean getaway. I stumbled in as the deck began to shudder beneath my feet and gave her ear a twist.  
"Hey! Oww!" she yelled, glowering at me.  
"What the hell was that for?"  
"For disobeying the strict orders of pretty much everyone you know and stowing away aboard my ship."  
"I just saved your Force-forsaken ass!"  
I gave her ear a gentler twist for the language as I shoved her onto the copilot's seat quickly taking over the controls.  
"And for that I'm grateful. Good thing you're actually a Solo under all that Hapan drivel."  
"Ooooh you wait'll my mom hears you said that!"  
I grinned at her, all the adrenaline making me feel reckless. The_ Silverfish_ a.k.a the _Sky-Blue_, took off, Coronet City spaceport dwindling rapidly behind us as we sped towards the planet's upper atmosphere, breaking for a safe distance from which to jump into hyperspace.

_Myri bit back the umpteenth foul curse of the day as she watched helplessly while the shuttle containing the fugitive CorSec prisoner blasted off in front of her eyes. This one was getting away from her grasp too many times. She hadn't even been able to throw a tracer onto the hull. He must have had a smart accomplice on board, prepping for a quick getaway. Fletch's voice beside her woke her from her reverie._  
_"It was right around here last time as well, you know. Must have been-what?-six years ago. He was just a boy then. Flaming red hair he had, the kind you wouldn't forget in a rush. Came running helter-skelter through the streets, and he was crying, screaming. Dunno what had happened to him, he was pretty mad. He stopped right there and broke down on the ground. Some folks tried asking him what was wrong, he literally flung them away. They just watched then. All of a sudden, he got up, leaned against the speeder next to him and then punched his fist through the window! He kept punching it, his hand was streaming blood, but he kept punching. The speeder-owner wasn't too happy about it. Brute guy he was, and was looking like to murder the poor fella. I had to move fast. I'd been in a nearby tapcaf, come out to see what the to-do was all about. I had to drag him till the general medcenter, he fought me every bit of the way. He was getting weaker, sure, he was losing a lot of blood, he was still crying, but damn me if he'd let a medic near himself! Even threw a med-droid against a wall! I offered him a drink and he broke my favourite flask! I asked him a thousand times what his problem was, all he could say was, 'Myri...She...' Nothing else. Must've been ditched by some girl. Turns poor boys suicidal like."_  
_Fletch shrugged. _  
_"Don't know what happened to him after. Medcenter must've found some ID on him, called his folks or somethin'. Looked like pretty much of a goner to me. Didn't see him again till today."_  
_He saw that the officer beside him had gone very still and very pale. She hardly seemed to be breathing and was staring blankly ahead. Had she suddenly had a massive heart-attack? Fletcher waved a hand in front of her eyes._  
_"Hey, you still with me here? That's the story. Do I get some kinda consideration now for giving you such a load of leads on the guy? Like maybe getting these cuffs off? They really sting!"_  
_The officer slowly seemed to come to her senses, but when she turned, Fletch saw that her lip was trembling and her eyes seemed to be brimming with tears. He recoiled in shock. He'd made a CorSec officer cry? Did that mean more trouble? For him? She continued to look at him, a few tears finally leaking out and streaming down her cheeks. She whispered a name._  
_"Ben...", she said._  
_And that was when Fletch happened to notice the name tag on her breast: M. Antilles. _  
_His jaw dropped, and everything clicked into place._

I kept my eyes on the scopes, scanning constantly for crafts in pursuit, but nothing appeared. We were approaching a distance from which it would be safe for us to jump and I allowed myself to relax momentarily, putting the ship on auto-pilot and heading for the 'fresher. Allana was rattling about in the galley, looking for something to eat. Once the door closed behind me, I slid down to the floor and hugged myself, shaking violently, the shock of the last couple of hours finally catching up with me. I heaved dry sobs, but no tears would come. I cradled my pounding head, my thoughts and emotions in a complete jumble as my failure on this mission clashed with my life-long failure with Myri. I tried to take several deep, shuddering, calming breaths to bring myself into some kind of focus, trying to plan what to do next. Running a hand through my hair, I stood up, and caught sight of myself in the 'fresher mirror. I couldn't recognize the man who stared back at me, tousled spiky mop of dark brown hair above haunted, hollow black eyes, a gaunt face lined with fatigue, dressed in a torn shirt and a leather vest. I sighed and leaned over to pull out the contact lenses hiding my real eyes when I was almost knocked to the floor as the shuttle gave a violent lurch. Allana's cry of "Incoming!" snapped me back to my senses and I half staggered, half ran towards the cockpit. It seemed pursuit had finally arrived.

_It took a while for her to regain her composure. She would not allow herself to break down in front of this complete stranger. _  
_"Go," she softly breathed as she tried to inhale deeply and calm herself._  
_Fletch blinked in astonishment._  
_"What?"_  
_"Go!" She said it far more harshly this time._  
_"Before I change my mind."_  
_But Fletch had other ideas. _  
_"No."_  
_Myri turned to him in frank amazement, as though she was not used to having direct orders questioned._  
_"What?"_  
_"I said no."_  
_He could be rock-stubborn when he wanted to._  
_"I'm coming with you. Looks like I'm lucky for you two. Saved him for you last time, looks like, and got you together this time. I want to be there to see how this pans out."_  
_Her cheeks reddened. The man had no shame!_  
_Fletch grinned._  
_"You don't have to worry about me running, sweetheart. You still haven't taken these off." He held up his still cuffed hands._  
_Myri set her jaw. He had a point. He was still officially in CorSec custody and taking him back to HQ would mean loss of precious time. She glared at him, but conceded. Taking out her comlink, she began to bark instructions into it, requisitioning a shuttle for herself on the double on top priority basis._

_Myri was able to take off from the spaceport with Fletcher Dyce by her side fifteen minutes later, still too late for her satisfaction. Her quarry wasn't just a CorSec fugitive anymore, but a sign from destiny. Fletch had been right. This remarkably fortuitous turn of events couldn't be pure coincidence. Myri didn't really believe in the Force, but even she couldn't deny that simple chance couldn't have brought about a meeting amongst three people who hadn't set eyes on each other in the last six years quite so miraculously. She had dithered far too long, and it was time, she realized, to do something about her deeply unresolved love life. It lent the necessary amount of desperation to her pursuit. The chase was on._

"This is Corellian Security Force Shuttle IB-1138 commanding_ Silverfish_ to cease all attempts to attain hyperspace velocity. I repeat, stand down, _Silverfish_. You are locked on target and will be destroyed if you attempt to escape."  
I could barely recognize Myri's voice behind the staccato chatter coming over the comm. She had me cornered. I swallowed in a dry throat and decided to adopt Uncle Han's patent recipe for getting out of a tight fix involving a woman: Smooth talking.  
"Sorry, sweetheart. You're welcome to try, but I got me a hot dinner waiting at home. I'd hate to have to miss it."  
I could imagine the muffled curses on the other side. She wouldn't want to destroy a CorSec prisoner quite so easily. Allana was staring at me with a look of undisguised horror. Surely I wouldn't be fool enough to sign our own death warrants! I winked at her, hoping I looked more confident than I felt.. and then felt the ship shudder from another warning hit.  
"Sithspawn!" I swore under my breath, rapidly panning through sensor readings to see if any damage had been caused.  
"Ben..." Allana ventured, her face unnaturally ashen. I cut her off brusquely.  
"Don't worry, kiddo. She'll hold together. I know what I'm doing. I need you to go down and man the laser cannon. Think you can do that?"  
She gave me a tremulous nod and slid out of the co-pilot's seat, making her way behind.  
I turned my sights back to the computer screens, desperately trying to think of a way to make the jump to hyperspace while avoiding fire. Impulsively, I reached out to pat the bulkhead beside me.  
"Hear me, Blue baby? Hold together."

_"What are you __**doing**__?!"_  
_If Fletch had thought it appropriate to scream at her, he would have. How could someone be so stupid and still make it through CorSec?!_  
_"You want to blow up your boyfriend?!"_  
_Myri's eyes blazed. Just the sound of Ben's voice, arrogant and cock-sure though it was trying to be, had made her flush like a teenager and brought an irrational lump to her throat._  
_"He is not my boyfriend!"_  
_"Well you want him to be, don't you?"_  
_She had had just about enough of this guy and his backseat commandeering. _  
_"I think you're forgetting that I'm still a CorSec officer and you are still in my custody. If you keep back-talking me, I swear you're going to find yourself floating in space!"_  
_Fletch wasn't even fazed by her threat._  
_"I think you're going to have a hard time explaining that to your superior officers! Besides, all I'm saying is that instead of shooting him down, why don't you board his ship? That way you'll atleast get to see him face to face before you decide what you want to do with him."_  
_Myri's temple throbbed. She was also getting sick of this otherwise petty criminal also being right. She pursed her lips, swiveled around in her seat and re-activated the comm._

"This is Corellian Security Force Shuttle IB-1138 to _Silverfish_. Come in _Silverfish_. Do you copy? Over."  
"Reading you loud and clear, sweetheart. What can I do for you?"  
"Align yourself to our position and prepare for boarding immediately."  
My heart jumped into my throat. There had been a lull in the action for a while now, and I had been debating my chances of simply making a break for hyperspace.  
Myri would be coming...here?  
"Uhh...negative, IB-1138. You guys haven't exactly given me a chance to shower. How about I take you out to dinner some other time?"  
She didn't even know it was_ me_! How could she possibly imagine how painful it was for me to say these things in this nonchalant tone.  
The CorSec shuttle was inching closer, extending a docking tube. I couldn't face her! Not like this! But I couldn't reveal who I really was, either.  
Myri's icy professional tone did nothing to ease my panic.  
"I'm not in the habit of giving fugitives a choice in this matter. Please co-operate, or I shall be forced to open fire."  
_Do it, Myri_, I nearly pleaded._ Don't make me face you again._  
Allana's voice floated up from the gun-deck below.  
"Ben? What's going on up there? Why are we just sitting here?"  
_Fierfek!_ I'd nearly forgotten Allana!  
"Allana, get up here! Now! We're being boarded."  
The _Blue_ shuddered as the docking tube clamped onto the exit hatch air-lock. I heard clattering as Allana undid her harness and clambered up on deck. I took out my weapons from the small compartment in the dashboard where I'd hidden them before setting out on this mission, deliberately clipping them on my belt. When Allana's head appeared at the top of the gun-well, I roughly hauled her out and pushed her behind me. Lightsaber in hand, I faced the air-lock hatch, armed and ready.

_Myri's heart thumped volubly as she stepped into the air-lock of the __**Silverfish**__. She had left Fletch on the CorSec shuttle, being forced to trust him not to cut and run on her. She'd placed an undetectable tracer on him, just in case, but still. She wasn't entirely happy having to possibly place her life in the hands of a detainee. She looked around. So, this was Ben's ship. It wasn't much. She strained her ears for a sound as her hand rested lightly on the butt of her standard-issue blaster. Taking a deep breath, she stepped out of the air-lock, blaster raised, and then stopped in surprise. The man, shielding a young girl behind him and facing her, didn't look like Ben at all!_

It was her! It really was! She'd really come after me, blaster and all! I could feel my hands tremble as I gripped my lightsaber fiercely while trying to keep Allana behind me. She kept trying to catch a glimpse from the sides. Myri's eyes were confused as she glanced from me to Allana and I could see a certain amount of uncertainty flicker in them. Recognition dawned as she saw Allana and her blaster arm wavered.  
"B-Ben...?"  
It was a whisper, but it was enough to make me blink. Could she recognize me despite the disguise?  
"_Myri?_!"  
Allana's squeal distracted both of us and I saw Myri's blaster arm drop completely.  
"A-Allana?" she mumbled, disbelievingly.  
I placed a firm arm on Allana, to prevent her from running out from behind me and maintained my unlit lightsaber guard steadily in Myri's face. There was complete shock on her features now. For a few moments the three of us just faced-off like that, Myri's gaze going from Allana to me to my lightsaber. I tried to maintain my guard and remain composed, but it was becoming increasingly difficult as I drank in the mere sight of her after so long. The all-too familiar ache was returning to my heart and I could feel my throat going dry.  
Suddenly, Myri stepped forward and did the most inexplicable thing. She grabbed hold of the front end of my 'saber and thrust it against her chest. The two of us were separated only by the length of the hilt. She looked straight into my eyes and whispered fiercely,  
"Go on, Ben. Do what you have to. Because I can't live like this anymore."  
I faltered, stunned. She was putting her life into my hands! My lightsaber fell out of my numb fingers and rolled onto the deck floor.  
"Myri..." I managed to whisper.  
Just her name on my lips tasted like heaven.  
"You... you recognized...me?"  
"Let's just say I had a little bit of help with that."  
My heart pounded in my chest and I could feel her shallow breaths as she stared imploringly into my own eyes. I couldn't help myself anymore. I pulled her into my embrace, and just as of old, we fit.

Time stopped. Everything stopped. All of eternity stood still. Her lips on mine after six unbearable years, burned. Tears streamed freely down both our faces. We couldn't even speak. There was nothing we could say, just look and feel and touch. It was Allana, none too discreetly clearing her throat, that finally stirred us. We both had identical delirious watery grins on our faces.  
Myri traced her fingers through my dyed hair.  
"I missed you, Red," she breathed into my chest, "Gods! I've missed you so much!"  
I kissed her fingers with trembling lips, unable to speak.  
Suddenly, I drew back, remembering with horror.  
"Myri! We can't...your dad!"  
She drew her brows together and shook her head firmly.  
"No more of that, Ben. I'm done with that. I've suffered his stupid ultimatum long enough. I-I can't lose you again. I can't do it anymore."  
Frustrated tears looked ready to drop from her eyes again, but I looked at her doubtfully.  
"Myri, I'm going to have to hear it from him, I'm sorry. What- what I went through last time... I won't be able to survive it again. I know I won't."  
For a minute, she blanched, but then tried to smile again.  
"You won't have to, Ben. Please. We'll- I'll talk to him. Now come here."  
She pulled me close once more. Despite my better judgement, I let her.

**Yes she's back! And yes the action has started. Things are gonna get pretty heated up now. So stick around folks!**


	15. Chapter 12 Part III

I left the _Sky-Blue_ in Allana's hands once I'd charted our course back to Coruscant and jumped into hyperspace. Myri had brought my erstwhile cell-mate aboard and I'd listened in astonishment as he had recounted his side of the story. He was a scoundrel, and cheeky at that, and got onto everyone's nerves besides, but I discovered I liked him. Plus there was no denying he'd been lucky for us. Maybe if we kept him around, this time it would work out for us. We had retreated into the aft cabins as soon as had been decently possible with Allana and Fletch both sniggering knowingly in our wake. But for a long time, we had simply held each other, unable to believe that after so long, after so much pain and heartbreak, we'd been given another chance, that we were actually together once again. We filled each other in on our lives and just in being able to gaze upon her face, listening to her talk so normally about work, and her family, something in me healed.

We took a long shower together, even in the cramped refresher on-board. She smiled once I'd taken off the hideous black contacts and then insisted on shampooing the temporary dye out of my hair. I felt light. A weight that had lain on my soul far too long seemed to have lifted. As we lay in bed, she traced the new muscles, the new scars and lines with delicate fingers.  
"You've grown, Ben," she murmured softly.  
"Don't you like that?" I asked her in return, raising my eyebrows quizzically.  
She smiled.  
"I still remember the boy I met on the _Venture_. Even the little baby in Shelter... Did you know I was there at your parents' wedding?"  
"Goodness!" I feigned mock surprise, "You're _that_ old?! I could never tell!"  
She laughed openly at my mischief.

"Have you been with anyone else?"  
The question was asked hesitatingly, as I trailed a line of kisses down her collarbone. My head jerked up for a moment, but then I looked away in embarrassment.  
"Not in that sense, Myri," I replied, my voice gruff, "I haven't been in any... relationship with anybody, but...well, I was never really the celibate type."  
She didn't say anything for a while. I drew back, afraid that maybe I'd disappointed her. But she cupped my face finally and smiled teasingly.  
"I remember."  
I blushed.  
"What about you?" I challenged.  
Her eyes darkened and she shook her head.  
"No. I've been... too angry. I pushed everyone away, everyone who tried to get close to me, even physically."  
I stared at her in frank amazement.  
"You mean...this is your first time since...in _six years?!_"  
Her fingers yanked my hair threateningly.  
"You better be careful where you're going with this, Red. Do you mean to imply I'm...rusty?"  
I grinned broadly and leaned in to nibble her ear.  
"Well if _that's_ the way you rust, I'm just glad I kept in practice, _officer!_ I would have been much too frightened of disappointing _you_!"  
I went back to work on her neck and smiled to myself when I heard her moan.

* * *

We were approaching Commenor, about one jump away from Coruscant when I found respite from my lover's embrace to send out an important comm transmission. Myri was sleeping peacefully on the bed, sheets wrapped around her bare body. I slid out carefully so as not to wake her and dragged on my very crumpled pair of pyjamas, placing a tender kiss on her forehead before leaving the cabin. It was only when the cool air in the passageway hit me that I realized with a wince how long we'd spent holed up inside. I entered the galley to the hum of low conversation. Allana and Fletcher were sitting together at the table, chatting amicably, nursing cups of caf. I nodded towards them, slightly self-consciously, and went to get myself a drink of water. I felt their undisguised smirks following me the whole way. Finally, I turned, leaning casually against the counter, resigning myself to weathering the storm.  
"What?" I asked wearily.  
"Nothing", the two of them smirked in unison.  
I shrugged, trying to give off an air as if I couldn't care less.  
"Allana, I need to comm Dad. Would you please be a dear and get the comm system ready for transmission?"  
Allana nodded, but made no move to get up.  
I turned back to refill my glass when I felt a small spike of curiosity from the both of them.  
"Ben, what's that?"  
I turned, puzzled.  
"What?"  
"That. On your back."  
She got up, came over and slowly turned me around, tracing a finger down my spine.  
"M.J.S. Why do you have that tattooed on your back?"  
I frowned down at her, a little surprised, before realizing she'd probably never seen me bare-backed before.  
"M.J.S. Mara Jade Skywalker. My mom, Allana," I explained with a small smile. Fletch was looking at me curiously, too.  
Allana raised her eyebrows.  
"On your back? Why there?"  
"She was always my strength," I explained, "So I thought it most appropriate to have it done there. I wanted it to be personal, but not too obvious. It's a way I honour her memory, keep her near me."  
"Wow", she breathed, tracing a finger down it again.  
"That's cool! Where'd you get it done?"  
I shrugged again.  
"It was a long time ago. I got this done by a Bright Sun witch. On Dathomir"  
Her eyes instantly flicked up to mine. I smiled.  
"Yes, your mother would approve, I think."

"Grand Master, I regret to say that the mission has failed. I have not been able to obtain the information you sent me for. I was forced to abort the operation or risk my real identity being revealed. I am on my way back to Coruscant and shall give you a full report upon arrival. I await your further orders."  
There was a deafening silence once I had finished the comm transmission. I may have rediscovered Myri, but I had still failed my mission. I sighed, kneading my forehead with my fingers. My father would not be pleased. Allana placed a sympathetic hand on mine and I squeezed it gratefully.  
The hatch whooshed open. Myri was finally up. She was dressed simply in one of my tunics and looked unbelievably sexy to my eyes. She'd brought me a cup of caf. I smiled as I got up to take it from her, kissing her lovingly. I just could not get enough of her.  
She gave me a measured look as she leaned against the bulkhead.  
"So tell me, why exactly was it you felt the need to infiltrate CorSec HQ?"  
I shook my head.  
"Sorry, babe. Classified information. I'm not authorized to tell."  
Myri rolled her eyes, sighing audibly.  
"Yes, I was afraid of that. Guess I'll have to get it all out of the Grand Master himself then."  
I regarded her curiously.  
"Myri," I asked, "What do you plan to do now? Are you coming with us? What about your position at CorSec?"  
She looked down, biting her lip, trailing a toe uncertainly across the deck panelling.  
"I doubt they'd let me back on the force anymore, Ben, after me letting one prisoner escape and then running off with another _and_ a ship."  
The CorSec shuttle's slave circuit had been reconfigured to trail us.  
"You could go back, sort your stuff out, maybe even get Fletch pardoned", I pointed out gently.  
"I have a feeling we're going to be kept busy for a while."  
She lifted her head and her eyes reflected her sudden disbelief.  
"You don't want me with you, Ben?"  
My heart went out to her.  
"I want you to be safe, Myri. I don't know what my dad will put me onto and I don't know if he'd allow you to come with me anyway."  
She set her jaw determinedly, all stubborn Corellian.  
"I don't need you to keep me safe, Ben. I've managed very well all these years on my own, thank you very much. I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself."  
She stepped closer, looking up into my eyes, her own blue eyes flashing.  
"I'm coming with you."  
I grinned at her happily, lacing my hands around her slim waist.  
"That's what I wanted to hear from you, my darling. Now _you_ can do all the explaining to my father!"

* * *

To say Dad was not pleased would be putting it a little too mildly. To say he was furious would be a step closer to the mark. His eyes didn't flash, per se, but the intensity of his displeasure might have succeeded in boring a hole through me had it been armed. I was resigned to standing in front of him, feeling no better than a contrite teenager again, Myri standing beside me, equally uncomfortably, while the Grand Master of the Jedi Order regarded us both with a heavy frown and his lips pursed into a thin white line. At that moment, he truly seemed capable of killing us with his silence and for the first time in my life, I believed I was seeing a hint of Vader in him.  
He had heard out our story, me doing most of the talking.  
"Myri, could you leave us for a moment, please?" he asked, "I wish to speak to my son alone."  
Myri nodded and left.  
"Walk with me, Ben," he said, in a grave tone.  
I fell into step beside him as we made our way slowly through the large corridors of the Jedi Temple. For a while he didn't speak, appearing to gather his thoughts.  
"You do realize that we were relying on you for this mission, do you not, Jedi Skywalker?"  
Ah. So it was to be a formal rebuke. I bowed my head and nodded.  
"You allowed your personal issues to interfere in what was a most crucial mission for our Order."  
Well! I'd hardly counted on or even _wanted_ Myri to be present there at CorSec when I was taken in, but I bit back the retort and mutely nodded again. The mission had been my responsibility, and sugar-coat it however you like, I had failed.  
"I'm sorry, Grand Master. I had not prepared for the... exact nature of contingencies which arose. I accept full responsibility for this failure."  
Dad studied me for a minute. I studiously continued to stare at the floor, refusing to meet his gaze.  
He sighed.  
"Ben, these...contingencies, as you put it, have me worried for you."  
He raised a hand pre-emptively as I opened my mouth to protest.  
"You know I have never said anything against whomever you choose to be romantically involved with, but here I feel I have to say something. I'm not sure going back to Myri is the right step for you. Son, I know you love her. I've seen how much you've suffered for her. I just don't want to have to see you put yourself through all that again."  
I swallowed thickly.  
"I wouldn't be able to go through all that again," I murmured.  
Dad's eyes held a world of compassion and concern as they looked at me.  
"Exactly. Which is why I have reservations about Myri. And her father. I doubt Wedge will have let you off the hook even now. How do you think he's going to react to this? Again!"  
"I've spoken to Myri about it, Dad. She-she's said she'll talk to him."  
Dad continued to eye me steadily.  
"And will she walk out on her family for you this time? Would you even want her to?"  
Slowly, I shook my head. No.  
"I don't know what to do about it, Dad." My voice was no longer steady, despite my best efforts to keep it so.  
"I-I love her. I can't help the way I feel. And I can't lose her again, Dad. I can't!"  
I looked at him with naked desperation, feeling like a boy again, running to his daddy when things got too much for him to handle. I realized I couldn't keep doing this. But I also knew that if there was anyone who could help me find an answer, it was my dad.

He grasped my shoulder, trying to smile through his fears.  
"Don't worry, son. We'll find a way to tackle your problem. But later."  
Suddenly he was all business again.  
"The crisis has been escalating since you left. I'm afraid we don't have very much time left until things come to a head. It appears to be a vessel of some kind, and it's moving slowly towards the Outer Rim. Initial reports haven't been very reassuring. It's surrounded by clouds of shadow and dark energy. No scanner or sensor can get a trace on it. All we have to rely on is visual. I haven't dared send in scout teams too close. One ship that unfortunately entered it's cloud-field seems to have completely disappeared. We haven't heard from it since. But there has been no other aggressive move on its part. It hasn't made any move to actually attack anything. But all the Masters and I agree, anything with that amount of dark energy has to be just waiting for the right opportunity. We were hoping you would be able to get some information which might be able to cast some light on the situation and guide us as to what to do next, but...  
"Since I received your comm transmission I've been putting together an expedition team. We need to go to it, gather what information we can, and if possible, try and contain the situation before it enters our galaxy proper. I want you on that team. We leave tonight."  
I heard him out, frowning in concentration, and agreed with a curt nod.  
"Have you been able to sense anything further about it?"  
Dad shook his head wearily. He must have spent hours in meditation puzzling over this problem.  
"Only that it's the greatest concentration of dark energy I have ever sensed around any being or object."  
He looked at me with what I realized with a start was very real fear.  
"Whatever it is, Ben, I'm afraid it won't be easy to defeat."

Myri met me as soon as I returned to the Temple foyer. She had nervously been pacing around while Dad had been debriefing me. I ran a weary hand through my hair and quickly told her about our upcoming mission.  
"I'm coming with you," she said, almost instantaneously.  
I smiled at her wanly.  
"You'll have to ask my dad about that," I told her, not discouragingly.  
"He's the one authorizing personnel for the trip."  
She folded her arms across her chest, looking stubborn.  
"I still want to go."  
I smiled, then bent down and kissed her.  
"Wouldn't you atleast like some dinner first?"

* * *

_Myri Antilles walked through the Temple hangar not without a little trepidation. Jedi Grand Master Luke Skywalker stood near his StealthX fighter, talking earnestly with a Mon Calamari Jedi. She hesitated, waiting until they finished and the Mon Cal took her leave, regarding Myri briefly with her bulbous eyes, before she approached._  
_"Grand Master," she addressed him formally, "I would like to request permission to accompany you on this mission."_  
_Luke didn't appear at all surprised by her request._  
_"Yes, I expected you would," he said with a small smile._  
_"How good a pilot are you?"_  
_Myri arched an eyebrow._  
_"Better than Ben, I can assure you! Do you really have to ask?"_  
_This time, the Grand Master's smile was wider._  
_"Well, it never hurts to be sure! Looks like we're going to be needing all the pilots we can get. Why don't you do something, call your father. I can always use his help. And your sister. Call your mother too, if you think she's going to get lonely without them. Iella tends to come in handy in a tight spot."_  
_Myri couldn't believe his tone of levity. She briefly wondered whether he was in the right state of mind to be leading such an important mission, when she caught him looking at her and grinning and realized he'd probably latched onto her thoughts. She blushed in embarrassment._  
_"I would have requested Wedge and Syal anyway, Myri, whether you had offered your own services or not. I'm serious about needing all the good pilots we can get."_  
_Myri nodded, not trusting herself to say anything further, and was about to turn._  
_"Myri."_  
_Luke Skywalker's tone was gentle, but there was a certain edge to it._  
_"I want you to think about what you're doing. Don't hurt him any more. Please."_  
_It wasn't a threat so much as a request. A father's request. And that was what made it rankle even more._


	16. Chapter 13

**A/N: And here it is, folks. The action-packed climax! And for those of you who are not robots, MAJOREST TISSUE ALERT EVER! Like keep a box handy, I'm serious!**

_They were days out in the nether reaches of hyperspace, down the spine of the Corellian Trade Route, and Fletcher Dyce was bored. That accursed CorSec girl had insisted on dragging him along, claiming he was still 'officially' in her custody. Considering all the 'unofficial' things she'd done, by CorSec standards, since they'd met, he would have risked a considerable wager that she no longer held any 'official' responsibility in the organization at all! They had been holed up in an old troop transport the Jedi had managed to requisition for the mission at such short notice. Fletcher mused darkly that if they remained in this itchy state of anticipation for battle much longer, no amount of Corellian whisky would be able to keep him from a few throats atleast. He was definitely not a spacer. He much preferred the size and anonymity of a planet-side city any day. Of course, things would have been different had the Jedi managed to requisition a Star Destroyer, say..._  
_Fletch was startled out of his reverie by the muffled stomping of boots coming down the passageway and glanced up from the porthole through which he had been staring into space aimlessly. Instantly, he perked up. It was a girl. One who was also rather pretty, in a no-nonsense kind of way. It also seemed she was Officer Myri Antilles' older sister. She strode straight past him, not even sparing so much as a glance in his direction. Fletch half-smiled to himself. He knew what that meant. It meant she already had an opinion about him. Which was good. It would have meant an awful lot of an effort to have had to start right from introductions. He cracked his knuckles and flexed himself. Flirting would be as good a way to kill time as any!_

_Valin Horn was feeling the strain of a long space-flight as well. He loved his father and his sister, very much, but there was a limit to certain things. He wished they'd brought along their own __**Pulsar Skate**__. Atleast it would have provided some sort of an escape at times like these. If he remained cooped up with his family at such close quarters for too much longer, he felt he would revert back into his Force-psychosis. But of course he was blaming his family when the real problem lay somewhere else entirely. Syal Antilles was on board. Valin had harboured feelings for Syal for a very long time now, but, like a classic Horn, had been involved with all women except her. He knew this was the chance of a lifetime. He had never been in such close quarters with her for such an extended period before, and knew very likely that perhaps such an opportunity would never come again. Trouble was, he didn't exactly have a good conversational record with Syal. They were both Corellian, both hot-headed. Inevitably, each and every one of their limited number of conversations had degenerated into loud arguments. If he really wanted something to happen between them, he didn't think he could risk another of them._  
_Speaking of arguments, Valin suddenly cocked his head, coming to a halt in the middle of a large passage leading to a common galley. His sulk had been broken by the sound of raised voices coming from up ahead._  
_"Look, I'm perfectly capable of doing it myself, alright? I don't need your help!"_  
_"Sure didn't look like it a minute ago, Captain Expert!"_  
_"What is your problem?! You don't have to fuss around me like that! It's annoying!"_  
_"Hey! Who's fussing?!"_  
_"YOU ARE!"_  
_"Fine! Fine! Have it your way. I'll just stay out of it."_  
_"Good! Thank you!"_  
_*Muffled grunting*_  
_*Silence*_  
_*Louder grunts then sudden intake of breath*_  
_"It's broken."_  
_"Yes. I know."_  
_"Are you alright?"_  
_"Do I look alright?!"_  
_"Here, let me take a look."_  
_"Don't TOUCH me!"_  
_Valin felt it was time he stepped in. It was Syal and that man called Fletch, some reprobate Syal's sister, Myri, had insisted tag along with them. He frowned. Syal was irritatedly nursing a bleeding wrist as Fletch bent over her in inadvertent concern. Heat flared inside Valin as he beheld the scene._  
_"I believe the lady told you to leave her alone."_  
_Fletch looked up in surprise._  
_"I presume you understand what that means?"_  
_Fletch straightened and crossed his arms in front of his chest._  
_"And who might you be?"_  
_"Valin Horn. Jedi Knight."_  
_"Sheesh!" Fletch grimaced, "This place is swarming with the likes of you."_  
_Valin shrugged._  
_"It's a Jedi mission."_  
_"So when you're not in action, you fancy yourself a knight in shining armour, eh?"_  
_Valin bristled. But before he could open his mouth to retort, Syal snapped._  
_"Oh stop it! Both of you! Your fighting over me is simply childish!"_  
_And she stormed out, still cradling her injured arm._  
_Valin cast Fletch a look of pure loathing and hurriedly followed. Fletch sighed._

_"Syal! Hey! Wait up!"_  
_The elder Antilles didn't seem to hear or heed him._  
_"Syal!"_  
_She stopped so suddenly, Valin almost knocked into her. She turned around to face him, eyes blazing._  
_"Why can't you infernal dolts get the simple fact into your heads that __**I can take care of myself!**__"_  
_"Syal, I just-"_  
_"Yes, Valin, I know you were trying really hard to be a hero. Save it for when the action really starts."_  
_"No, you don't-"_  
_"Look, alright, it was really sweet of you to try and stand up for me in front of that nerf, but I'm a big girl now. I don't stand around waiting for Jedi Knights to rescue me. Atleast, I haven't for a long time..."_  
_She broke off, biting her lip, flushing suddenly. Valin just stood there, stunned._  
_"Wait a minute, Syal, do you mean to say that..."_  
_His voice had suddenly gone husky and dry. Syal turned on her heel._  
_"I should be getting back to quarters-"_  
_Valin was having none of it. He reached out and grabbed her uninjured arm. Syal looked at him in surprise. They were close now, barely inches apart, looking into each others' eyes in silence._  
_"Let go," she said softly._  
_"No."_  
_"Valin-"_  
_"No."_  
_"I need to get some bacta."_  
_"Oh."_  
_The tension was broken. Valin looked sheepish, Syal giggled._  
_"I love you, Syal."_  
_It came out before he could stop himself._  
_"What?"_  
_Her eyes were stricken._  
_Valin gritted his teeth. There was nothing left for it._  
_"I love you, Syal. I think I always have. I was just an idiot not to tell you before."_  
_For a while she didn't say anything. Then,_  
_"My dad is going to flip."_  
_Valin slowly nodded._  
_"Yeah, mine too, I think."_  
_She grinned._  
_"Our poor dads!" she said, before reaching up and forcing his neck down for a rather passionate kiss._

_Fletch watched the proceedings from the galley hatchway, an expression of frustration mixed with disgust on his face._  
_"You really have a knack for this, you know," a voice drawled in his ear, an arm casually draping itself on his shoulders._  
_"Oh yeah? What's that?"_  
_Ben Skywalker flashed him a lopsided grin._  
_"Getting bone-headed couples to finally admit they're in love and need to be together!"_  
_Fletch scowled._

* * *

Wes Janson winked at me across the expanse of the bay where we were getting a stern de-briefing. I grinned back at him. Most of the ex-Rogues and Wraiths, who had not been on Coruscant when we'd left had rendezvoused with us the day before. The transport now seemed packed with crew and equipment. We were roughly a jump away from where we expected to find the mysterious Sith vessel, and all potential pilots were being briefed by Master Kyp Durron, who had led the initial scouting missions, alongwith my dad. Myri stood a couple of feet away beside her sister in the throng of pilots, wearing a concentrated frown, paying far more attention to mission details than I was. I noticed only Uncle Wedge and Aunt Iella were missing. They were to join us later today, as they had been stuck on Drall attending to some business, but Dad had insisted on getting started, saying they could be filled in later. Syal had joined us separately, shortly after receiving Myri's comm, itching for the promise of battle. My stomach churned with nervousness as I remembered the Antilles parents were not yet aware that Myri and I had gotten back together.  
"The StealthX fighters are no defence against an enemy such as this," Master Durron was saying.  
"We will be reverting to X-Wings for the remainder of our mission for maximum attack capability. Those who have brought your personal fighter-craft, they will be pressed into service as well. We face an enemy whose strength is as yet undetermined. Let us err on the side of caution rather than be caught under-prepared."  
He paused, looking over the crowd with tired eyes.  
"We will be sending out our last scout flight, to make contact and, if possible, ascertain our target's true purpose. Failing that, we will be on the offensive. I would like a team of four volunteers please, for the recce."  
Two hands from the thick of the pilots instantly shot up.  
"Majors Janson and Klivian, thank you," Kyp nodded in appreciation.  
Another hand, from the far end of the bay.  
"Commander Loran. I'm glad you could join us."  
Excited mutters had started all around the hangar bay as Kyp scanned for the last volunteer. Slowly, as if of it's own accord, I felt my hand rise up above the heads of those in front of me.  
"Jedi... Skywalker."  
Kyp hesitated. I felt my resolve stiffen as Dad and Myri's gazes instantly shot to me. I nodded curtly, finalizing the choice, then pointedly made my way through the crowd toward my new flight-mates.

I had never owned an X-Wing and was in the hangars running last minute checks on the one that had been assigned to me. It was the lull before the storm, I could feel it, and I needed to be alone to calm my jitters. The hangars were strangely quiet, and I was working methodically, until I heard a soft tweet. Artoo-Detoo trundled in behind my father, as I turned atop my ladder to face them.  
"Ben-"  
"Dad, I know what you're going to say, so please don't say it."  
Dad shook his head. He looked far more worried than I'd seen him in days.  
"Doesn't change the fact that I still have a bad feeling about this."  
I sighed, and started to climb down the step-ladder towards them.  
"I volunteered for this mission, Dad, I know I can do it. Please, don't worry about me. I can take care of myself."  
He looked like he was about to say something, then caught himself, and smiled shakily.  
"I'm your father, Ben. It's exactly when you say things like that that I have to worry the most."  
"I will come back to you, Dad. I promise. Hey, I'll have the best pilots of Rogue Squadron watching my back! That should make you feel better, if nothing else!"  
"I've always regretted it whenever Wes baby-sat you."  
"Well, I'm a big boy now, Dad. I won't give them as much trouble as I used to."  
Dad couldn't hold his smile. I was startled to see there were actually tears in his eyes.  
"Dad-"  
"I can't stop you anymore, can I?"  
" I'm here on a mission, Dad. You have to let me do my duty. And I won't let you down this time."  
"You never have...son..."  
His voice was breaking. How many times had I been in his place over the years, I wondered. Watching what was left of my family take-off and not knowing whether I would see them again.  
"Ben... there's something I want you to have. Something I've been meaning to give you for a long time now..."  
He held out his hand to me, and when I saw what it held, I had no words.  
"Dad-you...No, I-I can't..."  
"Take it, Ben. I want you to have it. _She_ would have wanted you to have it."  
I kept looking back and forth from the object in his hand to the plea in his eyes.  
"Dad... that's Mom's _ring_! I-I can't take it from you!"  
"Yes you can. You **should**. You have more use for it now than I do."  
I looked away, fidgeting.  
"We-uh- haven't really reached that stage yet, Dad," I answered gravely.  
"She still has to talk to her folks about it-"  
"Still," Dad insisted, thrusting it into my hand, "Hold onto it. Maybe it'll bring you luck out there, make sure she's watching over you."  
"Mom's always with me, Dad," I murmured, a familiar lump forming in my throat as I twisted the now sacred object in my fingers.  
"Just like she's always with you."  
Dad smiled tremulously and gripped my shoulder.  
"I know."  
For a moment we just stood there in silence, lost in abstract memories. I was the first to snap out of it. I looked at my father determinedly.  
"No, Dad," I said firmly, "You hold on to it. I'll be back for it."  
Dad looked at me in dismay, but I closed his fingers around it. I pulled him into a hug, trying to send him waves of reassurance through the Force.  
"Look, atleast take Artoo with you. He can keep you safe."  
I rolled my eyes in mock-resignation.  
"Fiiine. I'll take Artoo if you insist! "  
I glanced behind him to our old droid.  
"Go on, buddy. You know the drill. Get yourself strapped in."

As I turned back, I caught a spike of anticipation heading our way through the Force. I looked towards the hangar entrance to see Myri come running in. Dad stepped aside as I went forward to meet her.  
"Ben! Oh thank goodness! I thought I'd missed you and you'd already left."  
She was panting. I raised her flushed face to meet mine.  
"I would never leave without saying goodbye," I said.  
She bit her lip, flushing even more.  
"Don't say that, Ben," she whispered.  
"This is _not_ goodbye."  
I only smiled.  
At that moment, my other flight members came traipsing through the entrance, all geared up, cheerfully non-chalant as always. They hugged Myri and playfully slapped my dad on the back.  
"Giving the kid a few tips, Skywalker?" Uncle Face ribbed.  
Uncle Wes draped an arm around my shoulders.  
"Don't you worry about him, Luke. We'll make a pilot out of this young bantha yet!"  
I grinned at them and turned back to Myri for a last minute kiss.  
"Aah, sweetheart's luck. I used to get such a lot of it back in my time."  
"Is that what's kept you alive all these years, Janson?"  
"That and your infernally lame wit, Klivian."

We flew out in a tight formation, the veteran pilots giving me the lead.  
"Artoo, run a quick systems check and see if we're good to go."  
ALL SYSTEMS ARE A GO.  
"Thanks, buddy. Scout Flight to Base One. We are on course to assigned target. Scout Flight, report in, please."  
My comm speakers crackled.  
"Hey! What's going on here? The Skywalker runt is _flight leader_?"  
There was an exaggerated, long-suffering sigh.  
"Yes, Janson. He's the Jedi, remember? Up against that Sith thingummy his Force-senses are going to be more helpful than our proton torps. We're flying cover for his recon. I do wish you'd pay more attention at briefings."  
*Muffled disbelieving swearing*  
"Major Janson, request you to follow mission protocol."  
_"Protocol?!"_  
"Scout Flight, please report in."  
"This is Scout Three, standing by."  
"Scout Four, standing by."  
Pause.  
"Major Janson?"  
*Sigh* "Scout Two, standing by."  
"Thank you, gentlemen. Now let's go see if someone's up for a little Hide-n'-Sith!"

I felt the ship long before I saw it: a growing darkness that had been pressing down upon the base of my skull since we'd left. Now it was like a lead weight sitting on my shoulders, it's presence an unheard thrumming in my mind. I almost felt sick. This had to be the greatest concentration of Dark Side energy I'd ever encountered. Even Abeloth's presence had ebbed and flowed. This, however, was gigantic. It was just...there.  
"Scout Leader, you getting anything?"  
"Affirmative, Scout Four. It's Sith alright. But I've never felt anything so dark in my life."  
"Looks like there's a first time for everything. Have you got a visual yet?"  
I squinted, looking out at the starfield through my plexiglass canopy.  
"Not...yet...Wait- Ten o'clock. Can you see that shape?"  
"I see it, Scout Leader. My scopes are negative, though."  
"Yeah, must be jamming them. Scout Flight, alter flight trajectory by 25 degrees north-north-west. Target should be visible in the top left of your field of view."  
We changed our angle and pushed forward more slowly.  
"Scout Flight, tighten formation. I'm going to move ahead a little to get a clear sense of the thing."  
"Copy, Scout Leader. Be careful."  
"I will, Scout Three."

I pulled out of the formation and flew as close as I initially dared. It was a massive hulk, wreathed in shadow and swirling clouds of Dark energy. Occasional bursts of Force lightning could be seen, crackling across its shrouded surface. I set my X-Wing on standby and reached out with the Force. I could feel the ship itself, a hulking, menacing behemoth. It felt like something I'd experienced before, a near-sentient machine. My eyes flicked open.

_Ship! This vessel reminded me of the sentient Sith training-sphere!  
_  
I concentrated and probed deeper. This didn't entirely feel like Ship, though. It's level of sensibility was far more primitive. This was a device of blind aggression, to be controlled, commanded, and forced to attack by a superior intelligence, presumably Sith. I could sense a niggle at the back of my brain, someone or something had felt my probe and was reaching back.

_Hello, Ben.  
_  
It was like a cold slap on my face jerking me out of my trance. My lips formed a name I couldn't bring myself to say out loud.

_Vestara._

* * *

Where did you find this...thing?

_Don't you like it? I call it __**Beast**__. Ship led me to it. It merely used to be an old Sith legend, but we found it, and made it true._

I-I didn't believe you were coming back... not after the last time...

_Aah. The great Ben Skywalker is not quite so great as he believes himself to be. You've always underestimated me, you know that? This time it will be your undoing. Perhaps you should have finished me when you had me at your mercy._

I spared your life out of mercy. ***[****_See note below]  
_**  
_For what?! Old times sake?! Don't give me that poodoo! You never cared about me. You told me so yourself!_

How could I have? All you ever did was betray my trust.

_Oooh! I'm so terribly sorry to have disappointed you...Master. I serve a greater purpose, Skywalker. I always have. I have always been proud to be a Sith. That's who I am. Not like you weak, pathetic Jedi, oscillating between light and dark._

What do you propose to do with your new weapon, Vestara?

_That's __**High Lady Khai**__ to you, if you'll remember, Jedi. Unlike you, I have already achieved the pinnacle of my Order._

You've tried to conquer us before and failed, Your Ladyship. I warn you not to attempt it again.

_Or what?! Have you __**seen**__ this beauty? Do you have __**any**__ idea what it's capable of?! I shall crush you all like a handful of flies!_

Your over-confidence is your weakness.

_Oh? But you only say that because you haven't seen what my precious pet can do. Perhaps it's time I gave you a little taste of it, eh? As a matter of fact, I do believe I'm entitled to a bit of personal retribution for the way you've treated me in the past. __**Very**__ disrespectful._

Ves! I'm warning you. Don't do this! I'm giving you a last chance to surrender-

_Oh, bad last words, Jedi boy!_

* * *

_Fletcher stood relatively unnoticed to one side of the bridge of the home ship as all the Jedi and other pilots clustered around the mission control centre. They had slowly moved in closer to the target so as to atleast get a visual feed as all scanners still failed to register its presence. Live audio was on and comm chatter crackled through the tense atmosphere. Much though he strove to maintain an air of callous indifference regarding the proceedings, Fletch couldn't deny that he hoped the Skywalker kid would make it back alive. Over the last week, since he'd left Corellia in Myri's custody, he'd grown quite fond of the couple of them. He heard Hobbie's voice cautioning Ben as he broke formation for his recon run and then came a long period of silence. Agitated muttering broke out below as the lack of communication began to eat away at already frayed nerves. Off to one side of the large viewport, those closest to Ben huddled together for mutual support, pale and quiet. Jedi Master Jaina Solo Fel and her militaristic husband, Jagged Fel watched with similar stoic expressions while the former's niece, Jedi apprentice, Allana Djo Solo chewed her nails and bounced on the balls of her feet. Grand Master Luke Skywalker stood slightly apart, eyes closed and outwardly calm, immersed in meditation. But the one Fletch watched most closely was Myri. She had chosen to stand with the extended Skywalker family instead of with her own. Her mother, Iella Wessiri Antilles, was in charge of the command centre, efficiently co-ordinating all feeds and busy taking constant updates from the pilots standing by. Her father, General Wedge Antilles, leading all the non-Jedi pilots, regarded her worriedly from time to time, while her sister and her new boyfriend, Valin Horn, stood together, conversing in low tones. Fletch shifted restlessly. The palpable tension was beginning to get to him too. Suddenly, he noticed, the murmuring below took on a new pitch. Voices came over the comm channel._  
_"Guys, are you seeing what I'm seeing?"_  
_"Something's happening to that ship!"_  
_"Scout Leader! Scout Leader! Do you copy?"_  
_"Get out of there, Ben! You hear me?"_  
_Jaina and Allana moved forward, their noses almost glued to the screen, eyes wide. All colour seemed to have drained out of Myri's face. Fletch frowned, concentrating on the sight unfolding on the screen in front of him. The front section of the ship was changing shape, elongating into a narrow cone. Flashes of lightning gathered at the tip, crackling ferociously. A white pulse lanced out, engulfing the small X-Wing, hovering far too close to its bulk._  
_And that's when Luke Skywalker collapsed to his knees, startling everybody, letting out an unearthly howl. His son was dying, and he could feel his pain._

_Wes Janson hollered into his comm._  
_"Ben! Come in, Ben! Get your ass out of there!"_  
_All that he could hear was static._  
_"Hobbie! Face! Can you get him on your line?"_  
_"Negative, Scout Two."_  
_"Stang!"_  
_"What's happening to him?"_  
_The X-Wing was shuddering violently, caught in a stream of Force-lightning._  
_"He's got to be burning up in there!"_  
_Wes felt his throat tighten._  
_"Bucket," he called to his droid, "See if you can establish a link to Artoo."_  
_ARTOO-DETOO IS OFFLINE!_  
_The speed with which the reply appeared indicated his astromech was as near panic as it was possible for a machine to get._  
_Wes licked dry lips._  
**_Artoo-Detoo is offline._**  
_For some strange reason, the line kept playing, over and over in his head. Artoo was a veteran of too many space battles, even if Ben was not. That's why Luke had insisted on him going with his boy. But now, with even Artoo gone..._  
_"Wes, his fighter's going to come apart! Look at the way it's shivering!"_  
_Wes could only nod to himself, unable to get a word out._  
_"Can we loose torpedoes at the thing?"_  
_Face's voice sounded calm on the surface, but Wes well knew the terror and concern that had to be flooding his mind._  
_"Dark energy fields will just swallow them up. No use."_  
_Hobbie's voice was unnaturally high-pitched._  
_"Well, we can't just sit here and watch him burn, guys!"_  
_Wes found his voice._  
_"Face is right, Hobbs. I'm leading the run."_  
_"Right behind you, Scout Two."_  
_The three fighters streaked off, Wes leading, the other two flanking him as he bore down upon the Sith menace. Hobbie and Face strafed the monster, with their laser cannons keeping up a steady barrage. Wes flew low, letting two proton torpedoes loose at the last minute before he pulled up. The flight zoomed up and then looped back as one, to see the effect their attack had had._  
_"Wes..."_  
_"I see it, Hobbs"_  
_Wes's heart plummetted to his boots. Nothing. It didn't even seem to have noticed the high-powered attack. His comm crackled. All at once his cockpit was filled with the chaos taking place at the command centre. He frowned. Snatches of panic came over the channel._  
_"Uncle Luke-!"_  
_"My son is dying, Jaina! Let me go!"_  
_"Master Skywalker, please! You saw them making an attack run. It had no effect! That thing is impervious to our weaponry!"_  
_"It won't be impervious to the Force!"_  
_"It's a ship, Luke! You can't exactly take it down with a lightsaber!"_  
_"It's too full of the Dark Side! You won't be able to defeat it without going over yourself!"_  
_"I DON'T CARE! I have to save my son!"_  
_"Luke. Stop this! Listen to me! You won't be able to reach him in time. It might already be-"_  
_"No! I won't believe that! He's not dead! He can't die!"_

_Wes shut his eyes. He could feel tears of his own forming behind them._  
**_He can't die._**  
_They were the words of a father. A father who should never have to live to see his son dead. Wes had no children of his own. But somehow he could still empathize with Luke's despair._  
_Ben!_  
_He'd seen the boy grow, from a baby to a man. So fast! His life flashed before his eyes. He remembered snippets of shared memories: a little boy bouncing in his father's X-Wing, barely able to reach the controls; a mischievous little toddler, the bane of every sane baby-sitter. He remembered telling him the story of Lieutenant Kettch and the way the boy had stared at the stuffed Ewok with wide blue eyes, his father's eyes. The way he'd always tried to emulate his "Uncle Han", with the swagger and the lop-sided grin. The grief-struck teenager, forced to grow up before his time; the rebellion, the anguish; countless bolo-ball matches watched together, yelling and cheering, pounding each other on the back, winning and losing credits and the boy the finer points of flight and combat, even though he'd never been the pilot his father had..._  
_So what if he wasn't a Jedi? Ben Skywalker had touched his life, just as he'd touched the lives of many others. Luke was his friend, his old comrade. And Ben was his boy too._  
_Wes's eyes snapped open, his lips coming together in a determined line. He could feel the wetness on his cheeks, but his mind was made up. He opened the comm channel to the rest of his flight._  
_"Scout Flight, this is Scout Two. Do you copy, over."_  
_"Scout Two, this is Scout Three. Reading you loud and clear. Any ideas?"_  
_"Scout Two. This is Scout Four. Go ahead, Wes. I hear you."_  
_"Face, Hobbie, I- I'll understand if you don't want to follow me into this, but... That's our boy out there. I can't sit on my behind and see him get crisped by that old Sith Hellmarine! "_  
_Silence._  
_"You don't have to do this with me, guys. Just tell Luke... tell him, I'm not that bad a baby-sitter. He-he didn't make a mistake entrusting his son to me..."_  
_His voice broke._  
_"I know what you mean, Wes."_  
_Hobbie's voice was soft._  
_"I won't let you go alone."_  
_"You Rogues always wanted to make us Wraiths look bad, didn't you? I'm in, Janson, blast you!"_  
_"You don't have to do this, Face."_  
_"Yes I do. 'Uncle Face' has watched him grow same as you."_  
_Wes grinned even as his vision blurred. He opened a line to base._  
_"Base, this is Scout Two. Come in, Base."_  
_"This is Base. Go ahead, Scout-"_  
_"Wes! You have to do something! Please! I-I can't lose him...!"_  
_"Won't let you, Luke. We've got a plan."_  
_"Wes-"_  
_He cut the communication, calling out to his astromech._  
_"Bucket, you know what to do. Set up flight path- Dead ahead. Scout Flight, assume attack formation. We'll be flying straight into the light, so whatever you do, hold formation. We're going to ram it's lightning-gun out through its backside!"_  
_"Roger that, Two!"_  
_"They'd better have whisky where we're going. After this ride, I have a feeling I'm going to need it."_

* * *

_He was on his knees, wheezing. He couldn't deny age had caught up with him at last. He simply couldn't take this sort of punishment any more. He tried to get up, grasping the edge of the comm console to help him, only to feel strong arms lifting him to his feet._  
_Luke Skywalker blinked, looking at the faces around him to find his wasn't the only one bathed in tears. Jagged Fel continued to support him until he was sure he would be able to stand on his own. Everyone was silent; half of the room's attention on him, and the other half on the giant viewport. Suddenly, he realized what was missing. The pain! He could no longer feel Ben's anguish. In fact, he could no longer feel Ben at all! His heart constricted in panic,and he nearly collapsed again. But this time, Myri Antilles rushed to his side, barely able to control her own sobbing._  
_"Ben...?"_  
_He looked helplessly into her streaming eyes. She shook her head._  
_"I-I don't know, Uncle Luke. They-they've sent some sh-ships out to g-get him."_  
_She was stuttering through her sobs. Luke had never seen her so distraught. With her help, he staggered over to the viewport, and then he frowned. The Sith warship had stopped it's onslaught on Ben's X-Wing, which was now simply floating in space as a rescue shuttle rushed towards it. It seemed to be listing heavily to one side, and no longer gave off such a menacing aura as it had before. Luke could, in fact, catch distinct feelings of hurt, anguish and a naked fear coming from it now. He turned to Myri._  
_"Where are the other X-Wings?"_  
_Myri turned her astonished stare to him, as did several others, including Wedge, standing within ear-shot._  
_"Y-you... Didn't you feel them? That's when you had a blackout. Uncle Luke, they-they rammed the thing. Flew straight into the lightning to keep it from Ben..."_  
_The rest of her words were drowned out by the roaring in his ears. He remembered screaming into the comm, begging Wes to save his son..._  
**_We have a plan._**  
_And then that blinding flash of pain mixed with exultation that had knocked him from consciousness..._  
_Wes! Hobbie! Face!_  
_Friends, heroes, all of them, but gone in an instant._  
_Silently he closed his eyes, and let the fresh wave of tears overwhelm him._

***[A/N: No reference to canon. Refers to a battle in my SW-verse that I haven't written yet that takes place maybe a year or two previous to these events. I'm sure you can get the gist from this conversation.]**

**BTW, let me know if you want the next chapter a little earlier than I usually post if you're simply about to die of suspense unless you read it. I shall see what I can do P**


	17. Chapter 14

**A/N: Ok ok! Thanks to all those who begged for this chapter to be posted nownownow, here it is. Bit of an angsty interlude, but then of course, considering what went before. More action will follow in the next chapter. Enjoy and keep the tissues around!**

White... A lot of white... light...blasts...voices...  
_Mom? Mom, please... I want my Mom..._

* * *

_They brought back the charred black hulk of his fighter. The canopy had melted shut and they had to cut it open with a blow-torch. Any longer and he might have died of asphyxiation. Myri grasped Luke's hand, as much for her own comfort as for his, to find it trembling violently. Steam arose from the limp, unconscious body as they lifted it down. It twitched involuntarily from the after-effects of the Force-lightning overdose. Thankfully, the shields had been up, and even later, it was the fighter which had borne the brunt of the lightning attack. Ben had been saved from the really life-threatening burns. Artoo had been fried, almost to a crisp, but one of the mechanics whispered a word of hope to Luke, saying he might just know a person on Coruscant who could recover even such dead-end cases. Luke, however, had no eyes but for his son, battling for life. Silent tears, which hadn't seemed to stop since he had heard of his friends' brave sacrifice for Ben, flowed down his cheeks anew. Jaina and he followed him into the medward to keep vigil as Cilghal and the other medics fought to keep him alive._

_Myri stayed back. She simply couldn't watch anymore. She felt an arm gently enfold her, and she turned and cried relentlessly into her father's shoulder. Fletch watched the scene from afar, wanting to get closer, but not daring to, scrubbing away at tears of his own, which he would allow no one else to see._

_Wedge Antilles gazed down upon the form of his daughter, still sniffling against him, worriedly. He hadn't had a chance to talk to her about Ben since he'd come on board and discovered they had once again gotten back together. Needless to say, he was not happy, but he had found no opportune moment to express his displeasure. Now, as Myri recovered from this new blow, he felt it was time. Better to get it over with sooner rather than later._  
_"Sweetheart?"_  
_Myri shifted against him, but didn't lift her head to face him. She was listening._  
_"You realize what you'll be risking, don't you?"_  
_This time she did lift her head, her eyes filled with confusion._  
_"You won't be able to stop him."_  
_"Wh-what are you talking about, Daddy?"_  
_Wedge sighed, gently stroking his daughter's short, dark blonde hair._  
_"Do you really want to spend the rest of your life being afraid for him? This is his life. He'll always be putting it on the line, for the sake of something or the other. Leads to a bit of tension in the home, that's all I'm saying."_  
_Myri straightened, looking at him incredulously._  
_" So does the life of a fighter pilot, Dad. I should know. I'm not exactly new to fearing for my family's lives."_  
_"Yeah, but he's a Jedi. They get into more trouble than the rest of us."_  
_Myri shook her head slowly, her eyes still shining with tears, but her face stubbornly set._  
_"It doesn't matter, Dad. I saw Mom do it for you. I won't stop him. I'll wait. I __**want**__ to wait for him. Even if someday it's to hear the very worst."_  
_Wedge opened his mouth to reply, but nothing came out. He looked at his daughter, as if realizing for the first time just how grown up she had become. He felt a sudden ache in his heart. She had made her choice, and it wasn't him. He'd lost her. He'd really lost her this time. Nothing he could do would be able to keep them apart anymore. It would only serve in distancing him further from his younger daughter. He swallowed past a lump in his throat. For the first time in his life, Wedge Antilles felt truly defeated._

_Luke rested his head in his hands at his now-permanent position by Ben's bedside. His Force aura was so faint, it was barely there at all. By now he'd stopped even trying to reach for it. He wished Mara were here. Or even Leia. The latter was on her way over, atleast. Han and Leia had had to very reluctantly stay behind on Coruscant as caretakers of Jaina and Jag's twins. But since hearing about what had happened to Ben, Han hadn't wasted a second in arranging for the twins to stay in Winter's care and bundling Leia and Threepio into the __**Falcon**__ and taking off at top speed. But it would still take them a few more days to reach them, even pushing the __**Falcon**__ to its limits. Meanwhile, Ben lay in a coma. Cilghal and the meds had done everything in their power to save him. He had spent two days in and out of bacta tanks, but still had to be kept in intensive care. Since they had been preparing for battle, it was a good thing they had come amply stocked with medical supplies and equipment. Cilghal was keeping a round-the-chrono watch on him, as were Luke and Myri. Jaina and Jag visited the medbay three to four times a day, forced Luke to eat and visit the 'fresher and helped the rest of the Masters in taking stock of the battle situation to which Luke had become well-nigh oblivious._  
_When the Solos arrived, they headed straight to their injured nephew._  
_Leia barely choked back a gasp of shock at the sight of him and had to lean back against her husband for support. She enveloped her brother in a hug, noting with concern how worn and sickly he himself had become from care._  
_Han made his way slowly to the bed where his only nephew lay and gently fingered his limp hair_  
_"You're gonna make it, kid," he said in a gruff whisper, keeping his own tears at bay._  
_"I know you are. You're gonna have to come back for us. We won't let you give up. Not yet."_  
_Myri had slipped out unnoticed, unwilling to intrude on such a private moment for the family. She almost bumped into Fletch, loitering outside._  
_"What're you doing here?" she asked, her voice coming out rougher than she'd intended._  
_Fletch scowled at her._  
_"He has friends other than you know," he replied._  
_"How is he?"_  
_Myri touched his arm apologetically._  
_"I'm sorry, Fletch. You know I didn't mean it like that. I'm just tired, that's all."_  
_Fletch gestured with his chin._  
_"Those his folks?"_  
_"His aunt and uncle, yes."_  
_She looked back at the sight, all of them gathered around the prostrate figure._  
_Fletch put a hand on her shoulder in a rare gesture of gentleness._  
_"He's lucky. With that much love, he's got to come back."_  
_Myri only nodded, fervently praying for his words to be true._

* * *

_"Mom...?"_

_His words were no stronger than a breath. His fingers twitched, then weakly attempted to clench. He shivered._

_"Mom..."  
_  
_Luke Skywalker jerked awake from where he'd dozed off from sheer exhaustion, at the faint flicker he'd felt through the Force._  
_"Ben?" he croaked, unable to believe his son might finally be waking._  
_He rushed to yell for Cilghal, and then rushed back to hold Ben's hand. Ben tried to curl his fingers round Luke's and give them a squeeze, but was far too weak, even for such a simple effort. The mere attempt, though, made Luke's heart jump and he felt almost euphoric. Ben was alive! He was awake!_  
_Ben's eyes didn't open, though. He seemed disturbed. Beads of sweat formed on his brow and he feebly moved his lips. Did he want to say something? Luke leaned in close, feeling Ben's shallow breathing against his ear. The barest of whispers,_  
_"Mom..."_  
_Luke fell back in his chair as Cilghal ran in, with a med droid at her heels, to take over care of the patient._

More white... No smell...A voice softly calling my name...  
_Ben..._  
It sounds like a dream. Like the voice of a person I want to see very much.  
"Mom..?"  
I try to sit up, but my body does not respond. I try and I try, my body feels leaden.  
"Mom..."  
I try to reach her. A face floats in front of me. I squint.  
Not Mom. My eyes are closing.  
"Ben?"  
Faded blue eyes, crinkled in concern.  
"D-Dad...?"  
"Son! Oh my Ben!"  
My eyelids fall and I drift off into darkness once again.

How long was I out? I don't remember when I began to wake. It took time. Everything returned, but slowly. I remember opening my eyes to a confusion of faces all around me. Dad, looking tired and care-worn, Aunt Leia, her eyes glistening with tears of relief, Jaina, reaching down to softly press my hand, Master Cilghal, tending to some sort of apparatus above my head, giving me a warm smile. I was breathing through a mask and had tubes and wires running out from various parts. I felt faintly ridiculous. Sitting up was a trial in itself and I couldn't hold myself up for long without leaning against someone for support. My face felt stiff, as did the rest of my body. Force! How much bacta had they given me?  
"There's my boy! I had my money on you, kid. Glad to see you haven't let me down. Fel, you owe me a tidy sum now. He said you'd be under another week atleast!"  
Good ol' Uncle Han! He stood crowding the doorway, with Jag and Allana fighting to get in. But I was still searching for someone.  
_Myri._  
She came once my family had had their fill of fussing over me.  
"Was this revenge? For all you had to go through because of me?"  
" 'M a... Jedi...don't do... revenge."  
"Oh?"  
She was obviously sceptical.  
"Then you sure have a lot of nerve. Coming back to your senses after what you just pulled!"  
I didn't waste my breath replying. I was still struggling to breathe on my own. And her fierce, passionate kiss tended to leave me rather breathless.

My memory returned in time as I allowed the Force in to heal me. Dad and Master Cilghal helped me with the healing trances which helped speed my recovery. I was sitting up in bed, eating broth. Dad pretty much refused to leave me alone, even for a minute, as if he was afraid I'd vanish into thin air if he let me out of his sight. But the moment I'd start talking about the Sith, he would get terribly flustered and hurriedly change the topic. There was something he was keeping from me, I could sense it, but try as I might, I couldn't prise it out of him.  
"Dad. You have to talk to me. This won't do. We don't have all that much time."  
I remembered the Sith ship, our recon mission. I remembered discovering Vestara controlling it, manipulating it to be the super-weapon in her ultimate quest for Sith dominance. I even remembered her threatening me, and then a blinding white flash. She must have made the ship attack me.  
But what had happened next? And where were Uncle Wes and the others? Everyone I knew on the ship had dropped by to visit me since I'd woken from my coma, except them. Were they injured too? Dad had been avoiding this question like the plague, and a slow panic had gradually started to build inside of me. I knew the Sith ship had been hit bad, but not taken out altogether. It would recuperate and come back for another round. I knew Vestara. And I knew she would die before giving up.  
I decided to tackle it from another angle.  
"Myri", I asked, as we sat together quietly on my medward bed. She'd come to visit me during dinner. I was still supposed to be resting and wasn't allowed out for too long. It was beginning to get on my nerves. "Where's Uncle Wes?"  
She had been gently running her fingers through my hair, but at the question, she froze. I caught a distinct flare of alarm from her through the Force and turned to face her.  
"Myri, what is it? You have to tell me."  
"I- I can't, Ben. I- I promised your father... I wouldn't."  
I felt a slow frown coming on as a leaden weight descended into the pit of my stomach.  
"Myri, they were my flight mates."  
Fear had turned my voice into a menacing growl.  
"_What happened to them?_ I need to know. I deserve to know!"  
Myri continued to look at me helplessly, opening and closing her mouth, but still not daring to speak, when a new voice spoke gravely from the doorway.  
"They're dead. They had to give their lives to save you."

"Dad!"  
Myri jumped up in consternation, wrenching her arm away from my numb grip.  
"How could you?! He's too weak! He's not ready to take news like that!"  
The entire room seemed to swim in front of my eyes. Uncle Wedge moved forward in slow-motion, coming to stand at the foot of my bed. Their voices, raised in argument, seemed to come from far away. A cold, freezing vice had a grip on my heart and was squeezing slowly, ever so slowly, prolonging each moment of pain. I felt like I was choking, like I was going to faint. My entire brain seemed to have shut down.

_They had to give their lives to save you.  
_  
The sob came out of nowhere, rending my chest and bursting forth. Uncle Wedge and Myri, startled out of their tirade, looked at me with concern.  
I tried to shove my head in between my knees as far as it would go, and rocked back and forth, the grief gushing from me like an exploding dam. I felt dizzy, but I couldn't control it.

_Uncle Wes! Uncle Hobbie! Uncle Face! No No No No No! Not again! Not again, please!_

The tears refused to stop and I didn't even try. After some time I felt myself being enfolded in somebody's arms, but I wouldn't even lift my head.  
"Wedge! Are you out of your mind?!" I barely registered the voice of my aunt.  
"He's in no state to take this kind of shock!"  
"They were his comrades! They flew into battle together! They would deserve for him to know the truth."  
"Not when he's not ready!"  
"He's a pilot now, Luke! Like it or not, you can't cushion the blow forever."  
"Look, Wedge," I had never heard my father threaten someone this ferociously before.  
"I know you and he have had your differences in the past. But I would never have imagined you would be capable of descending to the level of cruelty!"  
"Those men were brothers to me. They sacrificed their lives for your son!"  
"They would have done the same for either of your daughters! Are you saying he's not _worth_ it?"  
"I'm not worth it," I whispered, to no-one in particular, bitter tears rolling down my nose.  
"I was never worth so many lives."


	18. Chapter 15

**_A/N: Epic epic epic! Remember that supernatural bit I'd promised right at the beginning? Well, here's where that comes to light! The climactic battle sequence: Star Wars wouldn't be Star Wars without it, now would it?! Enjoy! And pls do review if you liked it!_**

_The young man was sitting on the floor of a dimly lit cargo hold, staring with sightless eyes at the still-blackened carcass of the droid that had once been Artoo Detoo. Fletcher Dyce leaned against the doorframe, arms crossed over his chest, regarding the young man compassionately. Apparently the little astromech had meant a lot to his family. The urgent patter of footsteps sounded behind him, and Fletch turned hurriedly, annoyed at the disturbance of such a solemn scene. Ben Skywalker, though, didn't appear to have noticed anything. Allana's high-pitched call resounded down the narrow passage._  
_"Have you found him yet?"_  
_Fletch nodded and frowned, putting a finger to his lips in an attempt to hush her. At the sight of her cousin, so dejected and forlorn, Allana's expression melted, and she would have run to throw her arms around him had Fletch not restrained her by placing a hand on her shoulder and silently shaking his head. Grief was important. It had its own place, but one so young as Allana couldn't comprehend it yet._

I heard the two of them come in behind me and stand, one at my right shoulder, the other at my left. I didn't bother to acknowledge them, reaching out a trembling finger instead to touch the severe carbon scoring on Artoo's chassis.  
_Artoo..._  
I flinched, drawing back my finger, as if I could feel the shock of the Force-lightning that had done this to him.  
_How can Dad ever forgive me for this? What if we've lost him... for good?_  
Tears filled my eyes.  
_He was Grandfather's legacy. One of the few things he left behind for my father. And now I've gone and destroyed him!_  
I bent my head to let the tears of my shame flow down unhindered, shaking with the grief of all that I'd lost on this one ill-fated mission.  
_I had failed. Again._  
I felt a soft touch around my neck. Allana had wrapped her arms around me, resting her head on my shoulder in commiseration. I wished I could respond to her kind gesture, but simply couldn't bring myself to.  
Fletch's voice spoke up, calm, but steely.  
"You know what you have to do, don't you?"  
I didn't turn, but felt Allana's head rise to gaze at him quizzically. I could still feel his eyes on my back.  
"What do you mean, Fletch? " she asked, her voice innocent. Fletch didn't reply, only continued to look at me.  
Finally, I stirred.  
"He means revenge, 'Lana," I said, in a soft, weary tone.  
She sprang to her feet.  
"Revenge?! No! That's not the Jedi way! Ben-Ben will turn to the Dark Side!"  
Fletch's attention never wavered for a minute. I sighed.  
"Allana's right, Fletch. I-I can't go down that path. I did, once before. That's not the way."  
His voice didn't change, only became softer.  
"Sometimes a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do."  
He walked out of the hold, but his words continued to ring in my ears long after he left.

* * *

It wasn't a scene I had ever been meant to witness, but it just so happened I was there. I had been walking past the Antilles quarters, but stopped only when I heard my name spoken inside.  
"You can't stop them anymore, Wedge," I heard Aunt Iella's voice remark tiredly.  
"She'll never forgive you. Would you really want to lose her this way? Besides, she and Ben are both adults. It really is their decision to make."  
"Iella, I'm doing this for Myri's sake, you know that. He'll bring her nothing but unhappiness. I know the type."  
"Jedi, you mean. Then do you mean to stand in Valin and Syal's way too?"  
I heard a long-suffering sigh.  
"One at a time, please, Iella."  
"Alright. But I want you to think about what you're doing, Wedge. My girls have been alone for too long. I want to see them settled and happy and I won't have that jeopardized just to pacify your ego. You should learn to leave the past where it belongs."  
Another sigh.  
"I will, Iella."

My mind was made up. It was time to put this ghost to rest once and for all. I knocked on the door discreetly, then stood back as I heard Uncle Wedge's boots stomp across the floor.  
The door whooshed open and suddenly, I remembered the day he'd taken Myri away from me so brutally. I quickly stuffed down the feelings of dread and stood at attention as I faced him, the man with more power over me than he could imagine, his eyes hardening from their initial surprise at finding me standing outside his door.  
"Sir," I addressed him formally, "If I may have a moment of your time, I would like to speak with you about something of the utmost importance."  
"Oh?" He made no move to invite me in.  
"And what might that be?"  
"Your daughter."  
"Ah. Were you eavesdropping just now?"  
"Not intentionally, no sir."  
"Which means you were. Well? What do you have to say?"  
I took a deep breath.  
"Sir, I remember the day you took Myri away from me. I _know_ for a fact how much it hurt to see her walking away... and all that I had to go through because of it. I would never like to visit anything similar on you."  
I looked straight into his eyes and held his gaze.  
"I won't be with Myri if you wouldn't like her to be with me. I will not ask for your reasons, I understand. I would never, ever want her to tear herself from her family just for my sake."  
Uncle Wedge opened his mouth to say something, but I cut in.  
"But...I need to know your decision, once and for all. If you tell me not to, I promise you, you'll never see me near your daughter again. I will not do this without your consent...without your blessing. But I can't go through my life wondering what if. Please, sir, talk to her. And tell me what you decide. Finally. I will be flying in the second strike today, and I will expect an answer by the time I return."  
His eyes were sizing me up. I stood my ground.  
"Are you giving me an ultimatum, boy?"  
"Yes."

* * *

The hangar bay was in complete chaos when I stepped in, geared up for another round of combat against our Sith adversary. It had been sighted earlier today by a scout patrol, and we had not been caught sleeping. We had been preparing ourselves for just such an eventuality for a few days now, intending to take out the monster at the earliest with our biggest blow, not wait for it to take the offensive against us. As I strode across, I noticed Dad conversing with Uncle Han near the _Millennium Falcon_. I didn't bother them, moving on towards the X-Wings. Dad caught sight of me though, and immediately intercepted.  
"Just where do you think you're going?"  
I had been expecting his challenge. I had not yet been deemed fit enough for combat duty. But I wasn't going to sit around and let the second strike against the ship that had taken out some of my closest friends leave without me.  
"Let me go, Dad," I said softly, unwilling to be drawn into a confrontation.  
He didn't budge.  
"I know why you want to do this, Ben. And you know why I can't let you."  
I nodded.  
"I know."  
I made to move past him, but he had already anticipated me.  
"Ben..."  
"Dad, you know you can't stop me. This is something I have to do."  
He shook his head, stubborn as ever, refusing to understand.  
"We're all going up for them, Ben. But revenge is not the way."  
"I'm not doing this for revenge. I learnt that lesson a long time ago. But I will be needed up there. That I can assure you."  
"We have enough pilots for this. You can be more help on the ground-"  
"No Dad!"  
I hadn't wanted it to come to this.  
"I'm coming with you, whether you like it or not. And I want no more said on the matter!"  
I could see Dad was shocked by my outburst. I touched his arm, forcing myself to look deep into his eyes.  
"I don't want to fight you on this, but you have to trust me. I know what I'm doing. I won't give in to temptation, I promise."  
Myri was climbing into her fighter as I passed below. Inspite of myself, I stopped. She looked down at me and I could see the sadness in her eyes. That told me all I needed to know. Her father had atleast told her about our conversation. My heart felt like a solid ball of lead, but I forced myself to wait, telling myself I'd find out the result when I came back.  
"May the Force be with you," I said, swearing to myself that I'd watch out for her out there.  
She nodded.  
"And with you."  
We were dying to run into each other's arms, I could tell, but I gathered up what was left of my resolve and walked away, swallowing hard.

I flew out as Uncle Han's co-pilot, leading Liberty Flight. We'd fallen short of X-Wings, so my uncle had drafted me in at the last moment, just so my Dad would feel a little easier about me flying alongside him. Aunt Leia would be staying back, helping Aunt Iella monitor the operation. Three wings had been deployed this time against the Sith warcraft: Liberty, Justice and Hope. There were Jedi pilots in each, with the others flying cover. We would have to figure some way to take out this thing and its mistress, once and for all.  
My heart clenched within me as I recalled the last time I'd flown out to meet this enemy. My compatriots had not returned. This time, I vowed, I would _not_ let something like that happen. Not on my watch.  
Uncle Han's voice interrupted my reverie. He was looking over at me with sympathetic eyes.  
"You doin' alright, kid? I'm going to need you to tell me when that Sith gas-giant shows up. I got nothing on my scopes here."  
"You're not going to either," I told him.  
"That's its stealth mechanism. Only perceptible to Force- sensitives."  
"Of course it is," I heard Uncle Han mutter under his breath.  
I laid in the course, using the Force to help me navigate. All the Jedi on the mission had joined minds in a battlemeld, and I knew they'd be able to sense my feelings, just as I was able to sense theirs. Jaina and Dad were leading Justice and Hope Flights respectively, and I could feel their presences shine the brightest in the Force, leading lights to their squadrons. They were to act as our two main strike teams, while Liberty would mainly provide cover. And then, just as we drew close enough to our enemy to get a visual feed, I heard the voice again, prickling at the back of my mind, directed exclusively to me.

_I knew you'd return._

Vestara's voice was a lot less smug this time, a lot more businesslike. I responded in kind.

_Yes, I thought you might. We do know each other that much._

_You've come for revenge, I expect._

_I expect you'd think that way, Vestara. You're far more limited than you imagine. There's so much more-_

All of a sudden I felt myself being jolted out of my concentration. Uncle Han was shaking me fiercely by the shoulder, an expression of both worry and fear etched onto his face.  
"What?" I snapped, angry at being disturbed.  
"Were you communicating with that thing just now? Ben, remember what your father told you. You're not here to take revenge."  
I looked back at him stubbornly.  
"What would you know about it?! Do you know what it's like to have someone's life on your conscience? Do you know what it's like owing a debt like that?!"  
Uncle Han's jaw seemed to clench and his eyes shine strangely when I said that.  
"Yes," he said in a furious whisper, "As a matter of fact, I do."  
He didn't say a word to me after that, even though I continued staring at him in shock.

I didn't know whether Ves had spoken to my Dad or any of the others on the mission, or whether she was focussing exclusively on me. I had a hunch it might be the latter.  
After a while, I heard her voice in my head once again, this time strangely soft, and sad.

_I did love you once you know._

I fought to keep myself calm as I reached back.

_I know. And I did put a lot of faith in you. Once._

_You hurt me, Ben._

_Are you trying to make this personal, Vestara?_

_Oh it was always personal, Ben. Tell me something, though. Would you have ever turned to the Dark Side for me?_

I breathed in slowly, my hands hovering over the controls, before I answered. I had a feeling I knew what was going to come next.

_No._

There was silence in the Force for a split second before I felt our connection snap. And then all hell broke loose.

"All flights prepare for attack! I repeat, all flights, prepare for attack! Shields on maximum, guys! She's gonna blow!"  
I was yelling frantically into the comm channel I had opened just for this eventuality. We could all see the strands of Force-lightning gathering at various extruded points. It could fire in multiple directions at once!  
All of a sudden, Uncle Han and I both lurched in our seats. Immediately, I reached out to compensate our shields and adjust our navigational settings while Uncle Han swore colourfully and incessantly. A lot of our vessels had scattered in panic and the _Falcon_ was exposed, trying to herd them back together. We narrowly avoided getting roasted by another burst, but bucked in the turbulence.  
"Blast!" I muttered to myself, "This is why I hate flying!"  
Uncle Han flashed me an evil grin while wrestling with the controls.  
"Surely you don't mean that, son!"  
I gritted my teeth resolutely.  
"Oh, you can bet the _Falcon's_hind-quarters I do!"

We zoomed around the squadrons, weaving and ducking from the blasts of Force-lightning, attempting to re-group them for a strike. But, I realized with a sinking feeling, only the Jedi would stand a chance against the behemoth. This devil born of the Force would only be destroyed by the Force. All the rest would simply be cannon-fodder! In a sudden moment of sparkling clarity, I knew what it was I had to do. I had been meant to come to this battle. I had an important role to play. Without a word, I released my crash-webbing and stood up on the lurching deck.  
Uncle Han looked at me wildly.  
"Ben! Wha-?!"  
I didn't respond. Took one long look at the scenes outside the viewport and walked out of the cockpit and into the galley's common area. It was almost as if the turbulence outside didn't affect me. I could hear my uncle yelling at me to get back inside the bridge. Even a pilot like him couldn't handle all the controls all at once in a battle scenario.  
_Hold her steady_, I sent to him, remaining mute. All had become serene around me. I crossed my legs and sat down on the floor, assuming a posture of meditation. I evened my breathing, closed my eyes and opened myself to the Force. I let it rush into me in waves, bathing me with a rich glow in my mind's eye. I was no longer part of the battlemeld, and I could sense mild consternation from a few as they searched for my presence. I reached deeper into the pool of the Force and opened myself further. Now it felt like a torrent of light and energy, gushing through me. And I let it out. I opened my eyes and channeled it through my will. I was completely focussed and centred in the Force. I was One with it. I was the conduit, and the flow would go wherever I directed or diverted it. Uncle Han came stumbling out, having set the ship momentarily on auto-pilot to see what I was up to. I heard him gasp and instantly reach up to shield his eyes the moment he looked at me, as if the mere sight would burn away his irises.  
I fashioned a shield in my mind, a wide sphere, encompassing all our ships. Everybody would be protected inside this Force bubble. And then I closed my eyes again and began to rise.

_"Hey! Hey, what the heck is that?"_  
_"What's happening?!"_  
_"Everything's gone hazy. I can't see!"_  
_"It's not coming from the Sith ship, is it?"_  
_"Hey, look! It's protecting us from those Force blasts!"_  
_Squadron Leader Jaina Solo-Fel opened a comm channel to her uncle._  
_"What is it, Uncle Luke? It looks like a Force-shield of some kind."_  
_Luke Skywalker had been listening to all the panic transmitting over the comm system and had been as perplexed himself. He pressed a button to answer Jaina._  
_"Yes it is. It's shielding us from the Force-lightning."_  
_"But where's it coming from? Who's creating it?"_  
_Luke shook his head slowly._  
_"I don't know. And that's what worries-"_  
_He broke off in mid-sentence. For the second time in his life, he felt an ethereal hand ruffle his hair._  
**_Dad._**  
_Luke's heart jumped into his throat and his mind went into lock-down with fear._  
_"Ben!" he screamed, jerking his head around in panic, trying to locate the source. The last time he had felt such a touch had been the last time he'd ever felt anything from that person. It had been a goodbye. He wasn't going to allow his son to be lost the same way._  
_"Ben!"_  
_He could almost hear the tears in his own voice. But the touch returned._  
**_Come._**  
_Luke frowned. This wasn't a goodbye, it was a summons._  
_Where are you?! he sent back, frantically._  
**_Look._**  
_He looked up, through the plexiglass of his X-Wing cockpit, and his jaw dropped in amazement._

I could see the battlefield arrayed below my feet, looking for all the world like a carpet on which a child had scattered his toy ships. I looked down at my own body. I had turned into some sort of giant Force-spectre! My real body was still deep in meditation on board the _Millennium Falcon_, but my consciousness had transferred to my Force-essence. Only in this form would I be able to defeat the Sith warship. I could feel the Force flowing through me with an ease I had never felt before. I _was_ the Force! It was pure power! Even when I had confronted Abeloth, long ago in my youth, and called in the Force to my full potential in order to defeat her, I hadn't felt a fraction of this. I seemed to be standing on vaccuum, floating above the shield-bubble encasing all our ships, and right in front of me, almost as big as I now stood, was the Sith _Beast_. I could sense Vestara's shock and fear at what I had become. The _Beast_had momentarily paused it's attack on the rest of the fleet and was coming about ponderously to face me. I knew I would have been afraid, very afraid, had I been facing it in a ship. But now, with the pure stream of the Force flowing in and through me, I felt I had no conception of fear. All I had was a strong feeling that this was right. I was meant to destroy the thing before it had a chance to enter our galaxy. It was gathering up a strong burst of Force-lightning to throw at me, I could see it forming and then lancing out as a powerful beam of Dark energy. But my outstretched palm caught it easily and absorbed it into the light. All I felt was a light sting. The Sith ship seemed shocked and utterly confused, it's dark mind roiling in confusion, and I decided to counter-strike with one of my own. I closed my eyes and breathed in deep, pulling the Force even more strongly into myself, gathering it and concentrating it. Then I released a blast of the pure Force at it. But the ship itself was a Dark Side nexus. It would not be vanquished so easily. It staggered, but recovered soon enough. That left me drained, though. I had to pause, as if catching my breath, to allow my power to replenish. I also needed a second to think. Simply trading bolts of energy wasn't going to end this anytime soon. I didn't know how long I would be able to hold onto this form, so I should hit it with everything I had, finishing it for good, instead of fencing around, attacking and counter-attacking. Plus, I also had to maintain the shield protecting our fleet, and too many of those I loved. I wasn't going to be able to do this alone. No matter how much of a Force-conduit I turned myself into, to destroy this ancient Dark vessel was going to need the concentrated power of the Light Side, and lots of it. I'd probably get one more shot at this, I told myself, and this time, I could hold nothing back. I decided to call in for reinforcements.

_There is no emotion, there is peace._

I breathed in and out in a steady rhythm, almost feeling my body vibrate like a tense wire from the current of the Force flowing through it.

_There is no knowledge, there is wisdom._

I held their names in my mind, sending out tendrils to communicate with each, calling them to stand with me and lend me their strength.

_There is no passion, there is serenity._

_Anakin Skywalker_, I called. _Obi-Wan Kenobi. Master Yoda. Anakin Solo._ And last, I reached out to a living form to join my company._ Dad._

_There is no death. There is the Force._

I opened my eyes.

_Luke Skywalker felt the touch again, this time more urgent._  
**_Dad. Help me. Join me. I need your strength. Please._**  
_Slowly, he unfastened his seat-harness, trying to make himself as comfortable as he could possibly be in the cramped confines of an X-Wing cockpit. He let himself slip into meditation after relaying a quick message to his astromech droid to hold his craft steady._  
**_I'm coming, son._**

It was a wall of giants, standing shoulder to shoulder. I looked across. Beside me, stood the white, flowing form of a tall man who looked so much like my father, yet wasn't. He grinned, when he saw me staring up at him in awe. Grandfather. Anakin Skywalker. He placed a hand on my shoulder, reassuringly. He was flanked by another of his grandsons, Anakin Solo. The cousin I had barely met before he had sacrificed his life to save our Order. A hero in our family. Obi-Wan, my namesake, stood at my other shoulder, serenely contemplating the monster before us, as if plotting his next move in a dejarik game. And beside him, still reaching only to our knees, even in his enlarged form, the wizened Master Yoda. As I looked, another form materialized next to him. I nodded as my father's Force-essence appeared, and set my sights on our target.  
_Ready?_I murmured in my mind, and felt waves of encouragement and anticipation in return. They were ready.

_There is no death. There is the Force._

And with that we unleashed the power of the Light Side.

_Even after being the odd-one-out in a family of Force-sensitives for almost fifty years now, Han Solo still felt confounded by a lot of this Force-hokum. He felt nervous and helpless as he kept an uneasy watch on his nephew, immersed in Force-meditation on the floor of his galley. He was in so deep now, Han doubted he could even sense the things going on around him. But what really had him worried was the unearthly glow emanating from the young man's body which was now covered in a sheen of sweat. He hoped with all he had that the kid wasn't over-stretching something, but he doubted it. The spectacle he could see out of the viewport somehow gave him the shivers. Sure, he had come to believe in the Force, but he longed for a good old-fashioned space battle with ion cannons blazing and proton torpedoes locking on targets. Attacking a ship with a bunch of ghosts and Force-blasts just wasn't __**right**__! Of course, he had to admit, very little of the situation they were in could be considered normal and so perhaps these rather unconventional battle strategies were warranted, but it did nothing to relieve his unease. He swivelled back to cast a brief glance at Ben, still immobile, seated cross-legged, and fancied he saw him shivering. He knew he shouldn't interfere and so he forced himself to turn back to the scene of the real battle taking place outside and just above the ships floating stationary within the giant shield created by one man's love for his family and friends._

_Myri gaped up at the scene taking place above her head. It was a sight that was truly hard to believe. The man she loved was leading a supernatural attack on the monster they'd all gathered to fight! All of a sudden she heard her father's words ringing in her ears._  
**_They believe it's their sole prerogative to save the galaxy for us._**  
_She couldn't deny the thought frightened her. That he would always be committed to a force which she might never understand. Was her father right, then? Would the difference that he brought into their lives by being a Jedi eventually drive them apart? She shook away her thoughts. He was only what he'd been born, raised and trained to be, a Jedi. But he was also Ben. Her Ben. She knew what a life of danger was. She'd seen her father lead one. She'd faced it herself in CorSec. But, of course, it's a whole different pile of poodoo to be in danger yourself and watch helplessly from the sidelines as someone you couldn't live without went out to confront that danger head-on. Myri realized with a start that she and Ben had never spoken about Jedi stuff in whatever time they had ever spent together. Of course, she knew what he had to do and the missions he had to go on, but she'd never asked and he'd never mentioned his philosophies or system of belief. He'd been remarkably normal in all their interactions, never even using the Force to levitate a cup towards himself. She had never before been in a position to witness how powerful he really was. Even when he'd been in disguise and on the run from herself at CorSec, she had never seen what the Jedi Knight, Ben Skywalker could really do. And somewhere it made her afraid. Could he ever have it in him to...hurt her?_

Defeating a Dark Side nexus can never be easy, no matter how much power is on your side. You cannot go at it with the intent to destroy, it must always be to protect. To protect those whom you love, those to whom you have dedicated your life and service, those for whom you are willing to lay down your life. Never for revenge, for that is the path to the Dark Side. In the end, it wasn't revenge that helped us win. I had thought it would be hard, that I would be too consumed by the thirst for vengeance for my friends. But then I remembered the words my mother had said to me a long time ago, when I had been grieving for another friend who I thought had unnecessarily sacrificed himself for me, the first to do so, Jori Lekauf. She had told me to make my life count, so that his would not have been wasted. It was the same here. I felt humbled by the presence around me of such mighty Force-wielders, and then I remembered the pilots' unselfish sacrifice. I would pull on my gratitude instead of vengeance. I would live the life they had bought me and try and make it worthy of their memory. I would not let hatred for the Sith, for Vestara tarnish it. They deserved much, much better. I drew my power from such emotions, and felt Vestara, High Lady of the Sith, once a friend, lover, Jedi hopeful, recoil in shock. She could feel her end was near, the ship was being pulverized by the pure energy of the Light Side of the Force. Try as she would, she couldn't rally her defence against such an unprecedented phenomenon. But she was resolved that she wouldn't go down without a worthy last stand. She expended the last of the ship's Dark power in a charge against us, trying to focus on me as the weakest link in the chain. But such a powerful Sith weapon cannot be extinguished without leaving a Dark energy aftershock. It hit me with the force of a tidal wave, and I could almost feel more than just my breath being knocked out of my body. I heard a crazy scream come from Vestara before she winked out of existence alongwith her hellish toy and concentrated the last of my will on those who had gone before me.  
_Uncle Wes, Uncle Hobbie, Uncle Face. Thank you._

_Han Solo watched the ethereal duel between the forces of good and evil being played out in the starry heavens, mesmerized by the majesty of the Force in its truest form. He knew it was probably the first time since life had originated in the Universe that such a sight had been granted to both Force-sensitive and non-Force-sensitive alike. Something like this would most likely never happen again, and he knew he should feel privileged for the opportunity to be present at its witnessing. But out there were his nephew and his brother-in-law, probably assisted by the spectre of his deceased son, and the two of them were all too mortal, however much they liked to believe otherwise. He'd never seen such a display of power from Ben before. Hadn't even known the kid had it in him. After this, the Council would have to grant him Master status! Provided he didn't kill himself first. Han looked back, more worried now than ever, at the meditating figure on the main deck, his entire body growing oddly translucent, and fought back the rising urge to grab him and drag him out of it. And then, within the blink of an eye, it was over. Just like that. The hazy Force-shield that had been enclosing their ships suddenly winked out and they were sitting free in space again. There was no sign of the giant Force-ghosts or... even the Sith warship! Han jumped up and peered more closely through the cockpit viewports, breathlessly scanning every inch of the starfield. It was gone! It had vanished as though it had never existed! He turned wildly and instantly his jubilation turned to ice-cold dread. Ben was slumped limply on the floor, and was hardly breathing. His body was pale and bathed in sweat. Han rushed to lift him up and felt his body burning up with a strange heat._  
_"Ben!" he called, willing him to wake, to look at him, give him some sign of life._  
_Nothing._  
_He picked him up, unsteady beneath the weight, and ran to deposit him in one of the medbay bunks, wishing Leia were also here to take the situation under her control. As soon as Ben was laid down, he ran back to the cockpit to pick up a comlink._  
_"Jaina! This is the __**Falcon**__. Do you copy? Over."_  
_After a few heart-stopping moments, Jaina's voice responded through the crackle of white noise._  
_"Dad! I hear you. What's going on? What happened?"_  
_"Ben's out cold. We need to rush him back. You'll need to do the same for Luke."_  
_"I'm on it. Rowdy, open a channel to Hope Leader's astromech droid. Justice Leader, over and out."_

_It felt like deja vu all over again. Just when she felt she'd had her kriffing fill of medbays, she found herself tugging off her flight helmet and running towards the one she'd only recently allowed herself to leave. There was already a crowd of people bustling around, and she had to fight her way to get through. Suddenly, she came flush up against a Mon Calamari Master, firmly blocking the entry hatch, not even allowing anyone a glimpse of their heroes. She wanted to yell at the Jedi Master. Couldn't she __**see**__ that she simply had to go to him?! Jedi Master Cilghal laid her flippered hands on Myri's shoulders and turned her bulbous eyes to gaze down reassuringly at her._  
_"He'll be alright", was all she said, and Myri felt all the fight in her drain away. She nodded mutely and turned away. She would see him later._

_Leia Organa Solo sat, wide-awake, keeping vigil at the bedside of her brother and nephew as the Jedi flagship made its way in triumph back to Coruscant. Although the rest of the ship was engulfed in celebration, she preferred to stay away from it all, choosing the sterile silence of the medbay instead. She looked at her twin, she could feel his aura in the Force, ebbing and rising, never constant, and that of her nephew, even weaker. She hated this, but was forced to do it far too often, watching loved ones battle for life while she waited, holding her breath, in terror of that terrible feeling when a fond and familiar Force connection would simply go blank and leave in its place a gaping well of sorrow. These two were the last bearers of the Skywalker name. If they died now, a great hope for the galaxy would be snuffed out. She let out a heartfelt sigh, leaning forward in her chair and gently stroking her brother's hand._  
_"Oh Luke. I wish, for once, you would just let the galaxy take care of its own problems for a while..."_  
_She felt a faint flicker, a touch from her brother, but it faded just as quickly as it had come. She felt a sudden irrational spurt of anger. They were no longer as young as they used to be. It was past time they handed down the baton and let the younger generation carry their work forward. Then her eyes fell on her nephew and she almost had to choke back her tears. The young man looked pale and drawn, yet a fierce fever was almost eating him alive. He kept sweating and despite the hydrate IVs, his lips had become dry and cracked. But Cilghal kept assuring her he would be all right and Leia clung to those assurances for dear life. Because she knew that she simply wouldn't be able to tell her brother that he'd lost his only son. It would destroy him, utterly and finally._

_She felt a soft hand on her shoulder and finally stirred from her morbid thoughts, looking up into the concerned green eyes of her son-in-law, Jagged Fel._  
_"Go get some rest, Princess. Jaina and I will sit with them for a while."_  
_Leia wanted to protest, but she knew he was right. She could feel her own fatigue seeping into her bones. Reluctantly, she allowed him to lead her out of the medbay._  
_"You'll call me if there's any change?"_  
_Jag nodded._  
_"Don't worry. I will."_  
_Jag returned to the med chamber after seeing Leia to her quarters and sank into her recently vacated chair with a small sigh. He cast his eyes over the two still figures in front of him, and was soon lost in thoughts of his own. Hearing a soft knock, he looked up, expecting to see his wife, but was not too surprised at the sight of the slightly hesitant young woman who was standing there instead._  
_"Come in, Myri," he beckoned his cousin inside. She came inside a few steps and stopped at the bedside farthest from him, reaching out a hand to delicately trace the features of her lover's forehead._  
_"It feels like it was only a few days ago that we were in this exact same position," she murmured softly._  
_"It just keeps happening again and again and again."_  
_Jag leaned back in his seat and regarded her coolly._  
_"Better get used to spending time in medical facilities if you plan on ever being associated with this family."_  
_Myri looked up at him, startled._  
_"You think I wouldn't, Jag? Do you still doubt that I love him?"_  
_"No. I just want to make sure that when the day comes for you to make that decision, you consider absolutely everything about what you're getting yourself into."_  
_Myri's eyes flashed._  
_"I'm already__** in**__ this, Jag! My mind was made up a long time ago. And I've never needed __**you**__ to lay out the odds for me!"_  
_Jag raised his hands placatingly._  
_"Ok ok! Look, I just want what's best for the both of you! Does your dad know, though?"_  
_Myri looked down at Ben's pallid face and something locked invisibly behind her eyes._  
_"He will soon enough."_


	19. Chapter 16

_**A/N: Well, it's the beginning of the end. There will be one final chapter and an epilogue after this. And I promised you guys a happy ending...didn't I? ;P **_  
_**There's only one way to find out. Read on!**_

_Wedge Antilles woke with a start in the middle of the night and frowned crossly to himself, wondering what it was that had woken him up. He got out of bed, quietly, so as not to disturb Iella, who was still fast asleep, and softly padded out into the hall of their rented apartment on Coruscant. There was a shadow standing near the door, searching through a bunch of access keys. Wedge's throat tightened as he moved fully into the living area and caught his youngest daughter, fully clothed, just about to leave, without so much as a goodbye. He gave a soft sigh, announcing his presence and almost causing her to jump. Myri whirled._  
_"So it's come to this?" Wedge asked quietly, allowing the pain he was truly feeling to seep into his voice._  
_"I've driven you into running away from me?"_  
_Myri was still staring at her father in shock, caught like an eopie in the headlights._  
_"Daddy! I-"_  
_She couldn't find anything to say._  
_"Do you atleast want to talk about it?" Wedge asked, wearily._  
_His daughter remained where she was, fidgeting uncomfortably in silence._  
_"You know, I never took you for a coward, Myri."_  
_That seemed to reach her. She looked up at him with a stony glare._  
_"I won't let you stop me this time, Dad."_  
_"Yes. I know. But I was hoping you'd atleast __**tell**__ me before you left."_  
_It took a few moments for the implications of Wedge's words to hit her._  
_"Wait... What?! You're- you're letting me... go?"_  
_She almost couldn't believe her ears. Wedge heaved a sigh, tugging at the bridge of his nose._  
_"It would appear I no longer have a say in the matter. You've apparently made up your mind, and your mother believes I shouldn't stand in your way."_  
_It was the tone of his voice that made Myri frown._  
_"Dad..."_  
_She walked up to him and looked him straight in the eyes._  
_"You know what? You're right. Maybe we do need to talk about this. What did Ben say to you, Dad? Didn't he say he wouldn't want me to walk out on my family for him? That we wouldn't do this without your blessing?"_  
_Her voice quavered a little, but she brought it under tight control._  
_"I need you to understand something, once and for all. I love him. I'd like to spend the rest of my life with him. But I could never be happy if I knew you resented me for it, Daddy. I love you too. And just for once, I wish you'd be happy for me. You won't be losing me, I promise."_  
_She stood before him, her fists clenched at her sides, her eyes brimming with tears, a determined young woman, but suddenly all Wedge could see was his little baby girl. And she was begging him to let her go._  
_"Please, Dad," Myri whispered, unable to keep her lip from trembling or a fat tear from rolling down her cheek, but she still gazed at him beseechingly._  
_"If you want to see me happy, please, say yes. Tell me you're with me on this."_  
_Wedge found, to his great alarm, that he was trembling. He had faced down ferocious enemies in battle, calm and composed, but tonight, he couldn't look at his own daughter without feeling like he was going to break down. He didn't know for how long she stood there, just looking at him, but he suddenly found himself wrapping her to himself in the tightest hug he could remember, and whispering in her ear, though she would never know what those words cost him to say,_  
_"Go, sweetheart. Go to him. If he's the one who can truly give you the happiness you deserve, I'll- I'll never stand in your way..."_  
_And she was smiling at him through her tears, wearing the biggest grin he'd seen in a long time and she was standing on her toes and kissing him on the cheek, telling him that she loved him. And then she was gone._

* * *

It took me a while to realize that it wasn't the Force that had jolted me awake at this ungodly hour, but the persistent buzzing of the door alarm. I flopped back onto my pillow, grunting in annoyance.  
"Ben!" I heard Dad's voice yell, "The door!"  
Well, so much for playing the I'm-still-feeling-weaker-than-you-so-please-get-the-door card.  
"'Lana!" I yelled instead, and got back a near-instantaneous "No!"  
I muttered several of my mother's favourite swear-words while debating the ingratitude of fathers and apprentices in general, as I staggered out of bed, trying to feel my way across the room in the dark.

We had returned to Coruscant only the day before, to a rather surprising hero's welcome from the people. The fact that we had destroyed the very Sith who had laid waste to this planet several years ago, had served to redeem our reputation in their eyes. Dad and I had regained consciousness and slowly recuperated on the long flight back under the constant care of Master Cilghal. It appeared that it was because I had stetched my Force potential way beyond recommended limits that I had collapsed from a sort of Force burn-out. I had truly given it my all in destroying Vestara and her Sith monster warship. I had still not been deemed fit to return to the Temple and had been strongly advised several days of enforced rest and healing trances. Dad seemed to be doing a lot better than me and had been helping me get back on my feet. Force-fatigue for him, he joked, was much more a matter of course than it was for me. But I still found my own weakness alarming and was getting more and more impatient to work it out of my system.

I stretched out my awareness to get a feel of who might be visiting this late. I'd grabbed my lightsaber, too, just in case, and was surprised to sense who was on the other side of the door.  
_Myri!_  
I picked up my pace, hoping everything was all right. Since my ultimatum to Uncle Wedge, I hadn't seen too much of her. She'd come to visit me in the medward, once or twice, but it had been clear that a final decision between them had yet to be reached.  
I palmed open the entryway, the sound of my heart suddenly beating loudly in my ears.  
"Myri..." I croaked out.  
"Is- is everything all right?"  
"I love you, Ben."  
I blinked at her. She stood outside, looking almost fearful, waiting for my reaction.  
"Myri... you woke me up at... 3 in the morning... to tell me that you love me?!"  
"He said yes, Ben. He's ok with it."  
It took me another few moments to assimilate what she said, then, all in excruciating slow motion, I felt my eyes widen, my jaw drop, and my hand tremulously reach for hers. I looked deep into her eyes, unable to believe the truth of what she said, what she meant, only for a fraction for a second before crushing my lips to hers, engulfing her in my arms, feeling the slow joy overtake me and rise to my head making me ever so slightly dizzy. I could feel her warm body clinging to mine just as desperately and the wetness I felt on my cheeks could have been shared for all I knew. Her eyes were shining like twin stars when I pulled back to look into them, but I was speechless.

_Allana had risen from her bed just behind her Master and had shadowed him to the front room of the apartment. She had felt who it was waiting there for him, and had the slightest hunch that things might be about to get very interesting. After smirking at the couple's joyous reunion, Allana padded softly down the hall to her great-uncle's bedroom and poked her head in._  
_"Uncle Luke," she called softly, knowing he was already awake, "I think you're going to want to see this."_

I knew Dad and Allana had crept up behind me and were watching us from the shadows of the hall. I still hadn't found the words to say to Myri after her wonderful wonderful revelation. I continued to simply stare at her, unable to take my eyes from her face. It felt like our reunion onboard the Sky-Blue all over again, and I couldn't get enough of the feeling. And that was when I knew.  
I called over my shoulder,  
"Hey, Dad? Remember that thing you'd been trying to give me earlier? Could I have it now, please?"  
I felt Dad hesitate, as if trying to recall what it was I meant, and then a spark of shocked excitement alongwith his hurried footsteps back down the hall.  
Myri's eyes held a question, but I simply smiled, bidding her wait just a little bit longer. Dad was back in a second and he discreetly slipped it into my hand so Myri couldn't see it. I leaned back, allowing her curiosity to grow, while I smiled like a sphinx and, without saying a word, slowly unwound her left arm from my neck and slipped the ring onto her finger. Her pupils constricted and I felt her astonishment in the Force as she gasped, hurriedly snatching her hand from me. She stared at the ring, flabbergasted, and then slowly raised her eyes to look at mine.  
"So what? You're not even going to ask?", she said, incredulously.  
This time I chuckled, gathering her back into my arms.  
"Nope!"

We both looked down at the ring gracing Myri's finger, still waiting for the moment to sink in. I rubbed my finger on it gently, it brought back many fond memories.  
"I'm sorry I couldn't buy a ring for you, Myri, but that's my Mom's wedding ring. Nothing I could ever have gotten would have meant more anyway."  
I looked into her eyes, knowing for a certainty the words I spoke next.  
"I think she'd have wanted you to have it."  
Myri nodded, smiling radiantly at me, tears of happiness sparkling in her eyes. Finally, I turned to acknowledge our audience, tearing up and grinning themselves.  
"You can comm Aunt Leia now, Dad. Oh, and tell Jaina she'd better pay up. I won."

* * *

_Leia Organa Solo's much needed rest was needlessly disturbed by the annoying chirp of her comlink. She scrabbled for the time and on seeing it, did something she almost never did. She swore._  
_"Someone better be dead," she answered her brother,dryly._  
_"Even better!" Luke couldn't hide the glee in his voice._  
_"Ben's getting married! And he said to tell Jaina to pay up. He's won..."_

**_A/N 2: Remember the bet between Ben and Jaina in Chapter IV? Go back and read it if you've forgotten!_**

**_A/N 3: Who wants an extra helping of FLUFF?! Next chapter up on Tuesday ;P_**


	20. Chapter 17

**_A/N: The final chapter. A monster mush epilogue will be up Saturday, but other than that, this is officially the end. Hope everyone enjoyed reading this story as much as I enjoyed writing it! And once again, a big thank you to the faithful followers and reviewers! You are the fuel to my creative fire!_**

_It was the night before the wedding, and Ben Skywalker was nowhere to be found. But Wedge Antilles would be deuced before he allowed his daughter to be left at the altar after all the drama he'd had to endure for this romance. Besides, he had a feeling as to where the young man might be on a night like this. Oh, he hadn't suddenly started depending on the Force for clues. Just something far more reliable. Gut feeling. More specifically, __**his**__ gut feeling. He forced himself to appear calm as he walked up the steps of the Jedi Temple. As the father of the bride for the wedding to be held here the next day, Wedge currently enjoyed a few special privileges. So he nodded amiably at the two young apprentices guarding the entrance who smiled back, their eyes already betraying the excitement they were feeling for the festivities to take place on the morrow. He walked through the entrance hall to the bank of turbo-lifts, but instead of taking it to any of the levels above, he took it down, to one of the most hallowed and sacred spots within the Temple, the Jedi Memorial Hall._

_The Hall was sombre and silent, bathed only in the dimmest glow of ambient lights. It was a hall of pillars, stretching deep below the Temple proper. On these pillars were shining plaques, commemorating all those who had lived and died in the service of the Jedi Order. Interspersed among them were statues and busts of the great Masters or special heroes. There was one of Master Yoda, and Wedge's steps took him past a bust of the idealistic young Anakin Solo, immortalized now for generations. Many pillars were yet to be covered in the sheen of silver, and it was always ardently hoped that they would remain so, pristine and unblemished with sorrow or tragedy. But they too would one day carry the weight of memorials too heavy for mortal hearts to bear. Wedge found him exactly where he'd expected, seated on the floor, head bowed, in front of the pillar bearing three of the freshest additions to the uncounted memorials. They were not those of Jedi, however, yet Ben had been almost ferociously adamant that they still find their place here. They were those of three pilots, whose selfless sacrifice had perhaps ensured that the next generation of the Jedi Order would not lose their leader before his time. Ben made no move to indicate he'd even noticed Wedge coming up to him. His gaze was fixed upon the names he still could not bring himself to believe no longer existed. Sometimes, Wedge couldn't either._

_**Major Wes Janson. Major Derek "Hobbie" Klivian. Commander Garik "Face" **__**Loran.**_

_Men he'd called comrades, but who had been more than brothers to him._  
_"Too many lives have been given for you, young Skywalker."_  
_Wedge's voice was grave, but not blameful._  
_"There must be something more to you than meets the blinking eye."_  
_"I don't know Uncle Wedge."_  
_Ben's voice was husky with the threat of tears in his throat._  
_" I don't think I was ever worth any of them. The price was always so high…"_  
_"Something about you makes people want to do that. What do you think that is?"_  
_Ben turned an anguished face to Wedge, and even in the shadowed light within the chamber, he caught the glimpse of a haunted, wide-eyed look on the young man's face and out of nowhere, he was suddenly assaulted by a flash, a memory he had almost forgotten he still carried._

_It was during the Yuuzhan Vong war, he and Iella had been able to grab a brief respite from the frontlines to make a hurried visit to see their two daughters for a few days in Shelter in the Maw Installation. That was where all the Jedi younglings were being safe-guarded and Syal and Myri were perhaps the only two non-Force-sensitive children there and the Antilles were grateful for being able to keep their daughters in Jedi protection under the aegis of Masters Kam and Tionne Solusar._  
_They had reached Shelter to find a familiar face conducting a similar visit. Ben was the youngest child at Shelter, an infant barely a year old. Wedge had noticed how the separation from their baby had tended to add just a little bit more to the tension that Luke and Mara were feeling due to the war anyway. And they barely ever had a chance to visit their son. Wedge felt sorry for the poor child. Which was probably why he had been pleasantly surprised to run into Mara once they landed in Shelter. She seemed to be headed in the opposite direction, on her way out after a frantic day visit to see her son and probably assure him that they were still alive and still remembered and missed him. Luke had not been able to wean away time from the concerted war effort. From their short snatch of conversation, he had discovered that since Ben had been sent to Shelter, Luke had not been able to visit him even once. He only got to see his son through the holos that were sent to the parents of all the children from the base. Being a father himself, Wedge had winced on behalf of his old friend. He could sympathize with what he must be going through. Mara herself had looked haggard, clearly forcing back tears. Parting from such a small child was always hard. She had taken her leave from the Antilles, Iella giving her a hug and promising to spend some time with Ben to cheer him up. Mara had hurried up the ramp, not daring to look back at her crying baby, struggling in Tionne's arms, stretching pudgy, imploring arms towards her. Wedge's heart had nearly broken at the sight of the little boy's eyes that day, stretched wide and blue, haunted and disbelieving, unable to even comprehend the cruelty of a universe that conspired to keep him away from his mother._  
_It was the same look, 25 years later, that he could see in Ben's eyes again. Involuntarily, he shuddered._

_He shook his head, as if to clear it of such thoughts._  
_"I'm sorry", he smiled wanly at his son-in-law to-be, "Tonight is not the night for such sad speculations. But isn't there somewhere else you're supposed to be?"_  
_Ben frowned. Wedge sighed dramatically._  
_"I mean your bachelor party. I heard somewhere there's a particularly memorable one brewing."_  
_Ben remained sullen._  
_"I don't want to go."_  
_Wedge raised his eyebrows._  
_"Oh? Why not?"_  
_Ben's unusually raised voice echoed around the silent hall._  
_"I'm not supposed to have one! I don't even have a Best Man!"_  
_Oh dear, Wedge thought, Iella is going to flip! He fought to keep his voice calm._  
_"Umm... and how come you haven't picked a Best Man ...yet?"_  
_Ben returned his gaze to the plaques in front of him._  
_"I wanted it to be him," he replied quietly, his voice trembling with emotion._  
_"Uncle Wes. I'd always wanted it to be him. His party would have been...astral."_  
_Wedge had no doubt it would have been. But this was a pre-wedding crisis! He had to salvage the situation somehow. Slowly, he set himself down on the floor beside Ben._  
_"Son," Ben flinched at the term. Wedge glanced at him, smirking wryly._  
_"We'd better get used to that now, hadn't we?"_  
_The young man looked away, abashed._  
_Wedge tried again._  
_"You want to honour their memory, don't you? What do you remember? About them?"_  
_Ben looked at him suspiciously._  
_"What do you mean? I remember everything about them."_  
_"Yes, but what are the first things that come to mind when you think about them?"_  
_Ben chewed his lip, suddenly immersed in a flood of rushing images. He'd never seen Wes Janson without a smile on his face. He'd never seen him anything but cock-sure and confident that there wasn't anything the universe could throw at him that he couldn't comfortably handle. And his mission in life had seemed to be to make everyone else around him feel the same way about themselves. And the same went for the other two. Oh sure, Hobbie and Face had had their insecurities, but around him, they'd always been a wall of good cheer. Nothing had been impossible, improbable or undoable. Till now._  
_He looked up at the shiny new plaques again, barely able to see them through the tears brimming in his eyes. He didn't want to leave. He wanted to spend this night in remembrance of those who had made his future possible._  
_"You're saying they wouldn't want me to be this way tonight?"_  
_Wedge was still regarding the sorrowful figure beside him._  
_"What do you think?" _  
_"My heart's not in it."_  
_"Could you have refused them?"_  
_"But they're not here, are they?"_  
_Ben could feel his temper rising again._  
_Wedge sighed._  
_"Son, the only way you can truly honour these remarkable men is by going out and living the way they would have wanted you to live. They didn't give their lives to have you moping in front of their graves before your wedding day. They went out as they had lived, on their own blasted terms and didn't give a damn what anyone else thought about it. You want to honour these men? Then do what Wes would have made you do tonight. Get up off your ass before Wes or Face have to come back from the dead and kick it for you and let your friends raise a toast to your future happiness. This is the last night I'll allow you to consider yourself a bachelor man. I suggest you make the most of it."_

_Ben made no reply. His expression was still stony. Wedge wondered what else he could say to make the boy make a move._  
_"Uncle Wedge? Do you mind if I ask you something?"_  
_Ben's voice was soft._  
_Wedge raised his eyebrows._  
_"Go on."_  
_"What made you change your mind? About Myri and me?"_  
_He had been expecting this question for a while now. He smiled wryly, gazing up at the names on the same pillar._  
_"I know I wasn't exactly easy on you two from the start. Mind," his voice held a definite note of stern warning, "I'm still not entirely convinced about you, boy. But... well, I know when I'm fighting a losing battle. It could have only been so long that even I could have stood between her and happiness. And you just wouldn't stop coming! I nearly lost her when I took her away from you, and I couldn't have lived with that on my conscience forever. You fought for her. I'm glad you did. She's worth all that and more. Much much more. And if I ever come to know you've caused her the tiniest bit of pain, Skywalker, all your Jedi friends combined won't be able to save your sorry behind from her father's wrath. And I'll swear a Corellian oath that it will be as severe as I can make it, I can assure you that!"_  
_He saw Ben drawing himself up in indignation, about to protest, but stopped him, indicating the memorial before them with a nod._  
_"And they put the ultimate faith in you. My friends, my brothers. They sacrificed their lives for your future, and maybe for Myri's as well. And made me realize that perhaps it was time I had faith in my own daughter's judgement and maybe put a little faith in you too. Wes, Hobbie, Face, they were all the family I had for a long time. If you were good enough for them, then perhaps you deserve a place in my family too."_

_Ben was staring at him in awe, humbled, unable to find words to say. Finally, he stood, reaching down a hand to help the older man to his feet as well._  
_"I'll never forget, sir. What they've done for me. And I hope I never turn out to disappoint you either."_  
_Wedge smiled fondly at him, admiring the Jedi's humility._  
_"I guess I was wrong about you for a very long time, Ben. I hope I never have to be again. You did make mistakes, I know even you won't deny that, but maybe my wife is right, and I should see past all that, forgive and move on. This wedding seems to be as good an opportunity for that as any."_  
_Both men turned one last time to the pilots' memorial, and Wedge placed a fatherly arm around Ben's shoulders, steering him towards the exit._  
_"Oh and one more thing, Skywalker. Cut it out with the 'sir' and the 'uncle', ok? You're marrying my daughter. That makes us more than all that. Call me Wedge."_  
_Ben gave him a shaky grin._  
_"Good. Now come on. I believe Valin Horn is expecting you to put in an appearance at the Red Rancor sometime tonight!"_

* * *

_Lando Calrissian sat back in the plush arm-chair, wearing the biggest grin on his face._  
_Ben Skywalker appraised himself in a floor-to-ceiling mirror, twisting this way and that, looking more or less perplexed._  
_"I don't know, Uncle Lando. Isn't it a bit...much?"_  
_Lando waved airily._  
_"Nothing's too much for my boy! How's the fit?"_  
_"Ok, I guess."_  
_"Ok?! Oh no. No no no. That won't do at all! I want you to fall in love with this suit the way you fell in love with your beautiful bride!"_  
_Ben looked at him askance._  
_"Oookay... I'll take your word for it. Don't know how much Myri'd appreciate facing competition from a tuxedo, though."_  
_"Try another one. We're not leaving till you've got the perfect wedding suit."_  
_Ben raised his eyebrows._  
_"At the risk of missing my own wedding? You're really serious about this stuff, aren't you?"_  
_"Hey, you're a good-looking enough scoundrel yourself. Wouldn't you want your kids to remember that?"_  
_The groom-to-be winced._  
_"Whoa!" he protested, weakly, " I don't think I'm ready to even joke about that yet!"_  
_Lando sidled up to him and admitted in a stage whisper._  
_"And you're never going to be. Take my word for it!"_  
_Ben looked back at his reflection in the mirror. They were at a designer's studio on Kuat on the morning of his wedding to Myri._

_**Wedding!**_

_He could barely bring himself to believe it yet._

_**I'm getting married today! To Myri!**_

_He swallowed, shaking his head. Last night's after-effects hadn't stopped playing havoc with him yet. He'd had to put the Jedi healing trance to good use and was glad the ravages didn't show this morning! Of course, Valin and Fletch had made him drink his weight in whisky and flaming shots of Corellian spirit, but that hadn't been the half of it. He had __**danced**__! After close on seven years, Ben Skywalker had found his feet! He had given up on such frivolities the last time he'd lost Myri and could not have imagined that he would regain both in the future. He couldn't help grinning as a slow, electric tingle coursed it's way up his spine at the remembrance. He'd entered the Red Rancor the previous night to find that Valin had converted most of it into an impromptu dance floor. And the music! When had he last felt so light, so alive? Not in a long time. Not in more than six kriffing years! Afterwards, it had mostly faded into hazy delirium, but he knew he hadn't missed a step. He still had it in him to produce the moves!_  
_And the night had progressed. Valin had assured him in his most serious drunken voice that Syal was somewhere taking her responsibility of getting her sister equally drunk very seriously indeed while Fletch had incessantly lamented his now dwindling numbers of single friends. He had been discovered at the end of the party, passed out and shirtless against a wall with a lady of a different specie on each arm._

_He returned to appraising himself critically in the mirror and had to admit this outfit suited him pretty well. Since it was to be a Jedi wedding, his costume was a combination of the standard gentleman's tuxedo and formal Jedi robes. Lando had insisted on appointing the best-praised designer on the luxury world of Kuat into specially tailoring his wedding suit, at no insignificant cost to himself. This was his wedding present, he had claimed. The outfit was fitting and narrow, cut as sharp as a vibroblade. It accentuated his figure. Thanks to a growth spurt in his late teens, he had come a little closer to achieving his grandfather's impressive stature and combined with the natural, almost feline grace he had inherited from his mother…_  
_Ben casually dropped a hand into a pocket, cocked his head and attempted a lopsided grin._  
_Not bad, he thought._

_A sharp rap sounded on the door of the private studio, arresting their attention, and his father marched in, spearing Lando with a dagger-glare._  
_"Leia is going to have __**my**__ head if either of __**you**__ two don't show up on time!"_  
_Lando feigned his charmer's innocence to Luke's admonishing finger._  
_"If we're not out in five more minutes-"_  
_His voice trailed off. He'd caught sight of his twenty-seven year old son, handsomely arrayed in his wedding-day suit._

**_Handsome._**

_Luke had never really admitted to himself just how handsome Ben had grown up to become. A flurry of emotions ran through his mind as he imagined a bevy of familiar faces reflected in his son's. Mara and he were instantly recognizable, but there was a bit of Leia in there too, and their mother. And even the boy's grandfather, Anakin Skywalker. He walked over to him and startled the young man by taking his face in his hands._  
_"I remember the night your mother brought you into this universe, red-faced and squalling. Since then I have watched you grow into our beacon of hope, first a boy, then a man. I have watched you face tragedy and adversity with courage and honour, watched as you led our forces to war. And now, my son is getting married today!"_  
_Ben blushed beneath his father's emotion, but he didn't turn away._  
_"I just want you to know that you have made me the proudest father alive. You will be a great man, Ben, I know this in my heart. And a great Jedi Master."_  
_The young Jedi drew in a sharp breath, his eyes widening momentarily. Luke smiled._  
_"Someday. But not today. Today you will be stepping into a greater role: that of a husband."_  
_Ben's face reddened into a deep scarlet._  
_"Geez, Dad!" he muttered, " You didn't hafta spell it out for me. I'm still trying to wrap my own head around the idea!"_

* * *

I hesitated outside the Great Hall of the Jedi Temple, decked out for the ceremony, suddenly afraid to go in. Dad stopped just behind me and touched my arm. I turned to see him frowning at me in concern.  
"Ben?"  
"I miss Mom, Dad, " I answered quietly, "Today more than all days. She would have wanted to be here, for this."  
Dad's smile reflected my sadness and I knew he must have felt the same thing.  
"You think Mara would miss your wedding, Ben? She's here, with us. I can feel it."  
I nodded slowly, knowing what he meant on a deeper level.  
We exchanged a glance and he gestured me inside. This time with no hesitation, I squared my shoulders and walked in.

Jedi Master Kam Solusar was straightening his robes at the foot of the aisle as Dad and I approached. I smiled to see him. He was there at my request, I had wanted him to officiate the ceremony. He had been more than a little surprised when I had come to meet him a few days earlier to relay my request in person.  
"_Me_, Ben? I mean, of course, I'd love to, but…I thought, the Grand Master…"  
"Dad's already the father of the groom, Master Solusar, he's got a role to play. I know you were the one Dad asked to officiate at his wedding and I'd be honoured if you would oblige me with the same."  
"The honour is entirely mine, Ben." I could see he was still curious. I had sighed and given him a small smile.  
"Master Solusar, you were actually our first guardian, when Myri and I first met, though neither of us remembers it anymore. You and Master Tionne were in charge at Shelter when I was a baby and she was under Jedi protection. I have no memory left of those days anymore, and even Myri can recall only very little, but in it's own way, that was when our paths had first crossed. We just hadn't known it. Consider this symbolic. Even you probably couldn't have predicted the future would lead us here."  
Master Solusar had smiled then and enfolded me in a warm hug.  
"My but that makes me feel old! To think I live to see the little children we had back there grow up and get married!"

Slowly, the members of my family alongwith the guests trickled in, one by one or in small groups. It was being held in the Jedi Temple, including all those who were a part of it, because I had wanted a Jedi wedding. But the ceremony was to be civilian, as might have been held on Corellia, had we been married there. I waited, fighting my jitters with deep calming breaths. Uncle Han and Jag walked up and hugged me. I was still adamantly without a Best Man. Valin arrived with his family, and I looked around for Fletch. He was going to be late, the rodder! Suddenly, I heard a soft tweetle-boop from a small entryway on the side and whirled. Fletch walked in, grinning like the devil, and who should he be leading but Artoo-Detoo! Dad and I nearly fell over each other trying to reach our beloved droid first.  
"Artoo! You're- you're ok!"  
After what he'd suffered on that terrible mission with me, I had barely been able to hold out hope for him.  
"Who did you catch to pull off such repairs, Fletcher?" Dad's voice was just as full of amused curiosity.  
Fletch shrugged immodestly.  
"Oh I know someone who knows someone who owes him a favour and just happens to be a genius with droids."  
He poked me in the shoulder.  
"That's all yer getting for the wedding, bruv. I can't afford anythin' fancy!"  
I pulled him into a one-armed hug and slapped him on the back.  
"Don't worry, this is the best one yet!"  
I turned to our faithful astromech.  
"How would you like to be Best Droid to make up for what I put you through, eh buddy?"  
Artoo tweetled vociferously.  
I grinned.  
"Come on up, then. And watch for my cue, alright?"

Aunt Leia came hurrying up the aisle looking deceptively distraught. She was enjoying every moment of the wedding madness.  
"Is everyone in position? Everyone ready?"  
We all nodded and chorused, "Yes, Aunt Leia!"  
She planted her hands on her hips and glared at all our smirking faces.  
"How's Myri?" I whispered.  
Her eyes twinkled mischievously.  
"Oh you'll just have to wait and see for yourself, nephew darling!"  
I sighed and shook my head in resignation.

Allana came in first, leading the bridesmaids, very becoming in a pale cream gown. She winked at me and grinned and I flashed a smile at her. Syal, the maid of honour, was led in by Valin, followed by Jaina, Davin on one arm, Cherian on the other. The boys had to be firmly held to walk slowly the whole way, I could see they were dying to whoop about in their glee. I don't mind admitting the nerves were beginning to get to me. I shuffled a little nervously watching Fletch lead down a beaming Iella Antilles. Finally, the Corellian Bridal March started, and my heart nearly leapt into my throat. All along the aisle, Jedi apprentices stood up and snap-hissed their lightsabers to life, holding them high in a guard of honour. And there she was, on Wedge Antilles' right arm, absolutely radiant in a simple white gown with a wreath of flowers in her hair. My heart rate accelerated and I turned, just for a second, to catch my Dad's eye. He almost laughed at the look of joy in mine. Myri stepped up to the makeshift dais, and kissed her father on the cheek. He gave her hand to me, spearing me with a look of mixed threat and a fierce pride, but I couldn't care less. I was completely entranced. Myri flashed me her trademark smirk and whispered,  
"Shut your mouth, Red. Your vows are going to fall out."  
I knew I was grinning like a fool. I squeezed her hand.  
"You look absolutely beautiful, Myri."  
She cast a discerning glance up and down my figure and smirked again.  
"Not doing so bad yourself, Jedi!"  
"Good enough for you to want to marry me?"  
"Oh, right. _Now_ he asks! If I'd known I had an option, maybe I could have exercised it earlier!"  
I put my arm around her waist, turning to face Master Solusar.  
"I'm not going to give you that option, sweetheart. Not now, not ever."


	21. Epilogue

We walked down the guard of honour, husband and wife at last. I hadn't released my hold on my beautiful bride for even a second. As we stepped out, into the sudden sunlight of the plaza, I felt a faint brush on my forehead. I looked up, smiling, my heart filling even more. I knew that touch.  
_Mom._  
I glanced at Myri beside me, then turned my face to the sun again.  
_I'm the luckiest man today, Mom. Even luckier knowing you're with me._  
Another touch, a lingering kiss. Not even the Force could have kept my Mom from being with me at my wedding.

The family whisked us off after the ceremony, despite our protests, for their presents. Striding into the hangars of the Jedi Temple, I halted in my tracks, my mouth falling open. I heard Myri give a quick gasp as her eyes fell on the sight before us. It was a gleaming new shuttle, of a design I'd never seen before, big enough to easily accommodate passengers, crew and cargo. I heard Uncle Han hiss behind me,  
"Stang! The _Sabre_!"  
I spun to face my father who was standing back, enjoying his surprise and grinning like a Besalisk.  
"Whoa! Dad! What's that all about?"  
He came forward, wrapped an arm around my shoulder and steered me toward the ship.  
"Son, this ship has a little story behind it. You never got to see your mother's ship, the _Jade Sabre_. It was a ship I built for her, as a gift on our wedding. It was lost before you were born. This is the closest replica I could build from the old schematics and what I remember of it."  
I stood in front of the gorgeous starship, lost in awe. Myri was walking around it, laying a reverent hand on the polished exterior.  
"Dad… Wow! You- you built this?"  
_What a ship! What a kriffing stunning ship!_  
"I still have the _Shadow_ for myself, but I had a feeling maybe you were outgrowing the _Sky-Blue_."  
"This- this is astral! Dad, you're a genius!"  
I grabbed him in a hug.  
"I can't thank you enough. It's- it's fantastic! I still can't believe you built it!" I said, shaking my head in disbelief.  
"You just don't give your old man enough credit for what he does for you!"

Aunt Leia stepped forward next, beaming as she held out a rectangular box covered with black shimmersilk. Myri accepted it and clicked it open. Inside were two matching Merr-Sonn Q4 model hold-out blaster pistols, the perfect size for concealment in a variety of clothing, yet deadly. One was a polished golden while the other was silver. We looked on them, stunned. Uncle Han came forward to stand beside his wife.  
"We took a clue from the lives we led after marriage. Doubt if things are going to go any better for you two, him being a Jedi and you being, well, Corellian. You're probably gonna need something better than the Force to save your hides sometime. I've taught this kid respect for this weapon and I'll bet your mum and dad will agree. I suggest you keep these around. Leia tells me they're the latest in accessories!"  
Myri looked up at my uncle, her eyes sparkling.  
"Oh they're beautiful! Thank you so much!"  
Uncle Han addressed himself to me.  
"Say, kid, thought of a name for yer new bird yet? It's unlucky to fly it before you do."  
I grinned at him, but extended a hand to my aunt.  
"I believe I might like Aunt Leia to do the honours."  
She looked at me, surprised, as I led her to the ship.  
"What do you have in mind, Ben?"  
"You had a name for me, Aunt Leia, when I was tiny. Do you remember? When I still hadn't found my feet."  
"_Skycrawler_", she breathed, her eyes shining strangely.  
I nodded.  
"Exactly. Because I was not a 'walker' yet. Well, this ship is new to the world. It'll have to crawl before it can run and prove itself a Skywalker steed!"  
"The _Skycrawler_, eh?" my uncle drawled, stroking his chin.  
"Has a bit of a ring to it. Should do just fine!"  
Dad spoke up,  
"Oh Ben, Talon Karrde installed his present for you two on board. It's a state-of-the-art hyper-comm console. He knows how much you appreciate the one on the _Shadow_, so he got you a similar one. I must say, I was impressed at the range."  
I nodded appreciatively. Uncle Talon would know just about the most useful thing to give a family constantly on the move.

Jag and Jaina had been standing in the background all this time, but now they took the opportunity to step forward. Jag pressed a small box, similar to the one the blasters had come in into my hand. I looked up at him questioningly. The box held a large blue gem, with thin veins of gold glinting when held to the light. The cut was incredible, and at a certain angle, it could reflect all the colours of the rainbow.  
"It's a heart-of-fire," Jaina explained, coming up behind me.  
"I already gave Myri hers before the wedding. It holds memories that no one but the Kiffar people can read. And some Jedi," she added.  
"You can use the Force to implant memories into them for each other, and they'll remain pristine forever. It can immortalize your love, in a manner of speaking."  
I was touched. The gift was so meaningful. I closed the box reverently and looked up at my sister and brother-in-law.  
"Wow. Thanks, you guys. This- is really really special."  
Jag smiled.  
"Jaina learnt about it from the Mandalorians. It's a good thing to keep around… in uncertain times."  
I agreed with him, choked at the significance.

As we were leaving, Aunt Leia brought up a thorny question.  
"Ben, have you and Myri decided on a place to stay yet?"  
I bit my lip. The truth was, we had been house-hunting, but real estate on Coruscant was simply unaffordable for a mere Jedi Knight and a recently discharged CorSec officer. Dad interjected on my behalf.  
"Actually, I was thinking of moving back to the Temple. With you gone, the apartment is too big for a single man. Why don't you two just move in there?"  
This time I whirled on him in anger, putting my foot down, once and for all.  
"No, Dad. Not a chance. That place is our family home! It's where I grew up. Where we- you, Mom and me, lived. You've done more than enough for us. This is just too much. I won't have it."  
Myri laid her arm on mine to calm me down.  
"Ben… I've seen something…I don't know if you'll approve, but… I think I've found a place we can move into."  
I raised my eyebrows in surprise, but she bade me wait. All in good time.

* * *

I stood in front of the building, a thunderous frown forming on my brows, my mood souring on the happiest day of my life. I had to work hard to keep my voice down to a civilized level as I said to my wife,  
"Of all places on Coruscant, you had to choose _this_?"  
I had lived here before. It was the erstwhile home of my former Master. Jacen Solo.  
Myri regarded me calmly.  
"Ben, listen to what I have to say first. I knew how you'd feel about this. But I think this would be important for you."  
That did nothing except deepen my scowl. Myri came around to face me, wrapping her arms round my neck and looking searchingly into my eyes.  
"Ben, today is the day we're beginning our life together. It's a new beginning, a time when we should make peace with the past. I know you keep saying that you've moved on, but you haven't really. You never let Jacen go, and I know that however much you've tried to forgive him over the years, in your heart you never did."  
I continued to glare at the offending structure, almost willing it to burn down under the intensity of my gaze.  
"He was your brother once," she continued, softly, "He was family. Whatever he may have become, you did love him once. How can you even look Allana in the eyes when you bear such hatred for her father in your heart."  
That struck me.  
"Allana? Whoa! Remember what he did to _her_?!"  
But Myri's lips were set. I'd already made a false move. I rubbed a hand wearily over my face.  
"Myri... It's-it's not so easy..."  
"Don't you think even your mother would have wanted you to exorcise this particular ghost from your past?"  
I gave her a pained look.  
"Ok, you and Dad have got to stop with this. You can't always say 'You're mother would have wanted it' and get away with it. She's not around anymore. I can't ask her. It's not fair," I pointed out.  
She smiled, reaching up on her toes to kiss me lightly.  
"Remember what was good in him. Isn't that what you Jedi are always saying? We could make a life together here, a home. Erase the darkness and the bad memories. Don't you think you could give it a second chance?"  
I looked at my wife shrewdly.  
"So...this place is within our budget, honey?"  
"A steal. You have no idea how much an ex-Sith Lord having lived here devaluates the price of property."

* * *

I leaned back in the pilot's seat on the _Skycrawler_, heaving a sigh of relief as it smoothly made the jump into hyperspace on it's maiden voyage: our honeymoon. I couldn't help but admire the silken hum of the engines and the fine engineering that had gone into the craft.  
"Thanks, Dad," I murmured to myself, tracing a finger over the still-new gleaming console.  
Myri came up from behind, settling herself cosily into my lap. Her parents were sponsoring our vacation to Naboo. We would be spending an entire week at Varykino, my grandmother's old lake country estate, where she and my grandfather had gotten married, so many aeons ago. I didn't mind admitting I was excited to be visiting a place of such significance in my family's history. My wife (I loved thinking those brand new words out in my head!) lazily twisted the still-novel wedding band on my finger, as she smirked at me.  
"Thinking how lucky you are?"  
I grinned, squeezing her mid-riff till she squealed.  
"Don't tell me Jedi senses are catching!"  
She ran her fingers through my hair, yanking at a tuft of it in revenge.  
"I don't need _Jedi_ senses to read you, Red. Your face is like a giant holo-screen! No wonder you're so lousy at sabacc!"  
I raised an eyebrow sceptically.  
"When you're the one dealing the cards, my dear, I do believe you tend to be a little biased."  
She put on an expression of exaggerated outrage.  
"Ben Skywalker! Are you implying that I cheat?!"  
"Only when the stakes are high enough, Antilles," I replied, my eyes twinkling mischievously.  
She looked at me for a moment, then laid a soft finger on my lips.  
"Antilles-_Skywalker_, to you now, mister."

We lay panting in the state-room onboard, having just consummated our union rather enthusiastically. Myri's blonde hair lay tousled where she snuggled upon my arm, her eyes closed in (what I can only assume!) bliss. I tickled her ear, reaching up to draw her into yet another passionate kiss when she rose to protest. I gazed into her eyes, long and lovingly, scarcely able to believe even now, that we had just been united forever. She smiled, one of her rare, deep smiles, the kind that came from her heart and reached till the corner of her eyes. I brushed a strand of her short bangs away from her forehead, and she reached down to kiss my fingers. Then with a naughty glint in her eye, she took my wedding ring between her teeth, and much to my alarm, began to tug it off.  
"Hey!" I protested, "I like that where it is!"  
She held it between her fingers now, and rotated it so it caught the light and glinted. I frowned at it and took it out of her hand.  
"What's that, Myri?" I asked, squinting at a symbol engraved on the inside of the band.  
"What's it look like?"  
"It looks like...the figure 8, sideways..."  
"And what does that mean?"  
She was being very patient with me, like a schoolteacher, with an obstinate pupil. I made my eyes as big and innocent as I could.  
"Gee, I dunno...8?"  
She playfully smacked me on the head.  
"Nerf! No. That is the symbol for infinity. For always. Just like you wrote in mine."  
She pulled hers off too, and we sat comparing them, side by side.  
_Yours, Always. Red._  
"And...8?"  
I was trying to get on her nerves.  
She made a face.  
"Ok. Also 8. I'm eight years older than you, so what I say goes. And don't you forget it!"  
I slipped the ring back on her finger and pulled her close enough to kiss.  
"No, ma'am."

** THE END**

**_A/N: And so it is done at last. This story, as they say of all good things, must also come to an end. To all readers of this tale, I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it! This universe will continue in future fics and drabbles of mine, but nothing in the pipeline yet. (I'm exhausted!) All who are interested, pls follow me so that you can be updated about any future fics about the Ben-Myri pairing. I shall label fics "Post MnM" if they are set in this universe. There is a set of drabbles on these two (who have incidentally turned into my favourite romantic couple!) which will be posted on my dedicated drabbles thread, "Ripples in Still Water". These will start from Monday and I do hope you all will check those out as well._**

**_Anyway, the time has come to say farewell. A big thank you to all readers and reviewers again! And please don't forget to leave closing comments about how you liked the story as a whole!_**

**_This is Fettkat, Over and Out._**


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